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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband has been cheating

116 replies

Bananacaramel8 · 21/11/2022 16:42

A few months ago my husband told me out the blue he only liked me as a friend and he wanted a divorce (we hadn’t even been married 7 months and both in our 30s).
it seemed to come from nowhere so I was certain he must have had his head turned and met someone else. He completely denied this and got really defensive and tried to make me out to be some paranoid controlling nutter.
long story short I was ready to move out of our home a few weeks later but he got cold feet and begged me to stay to try and work things out.
The last 6 months were total mental turmoil as he was very hot and cold and kept telling me he felt trapped.
The last 6 weeks seemed to take a massive turn for the better and he was trying really hard to make things up to me and reassure me. I finally felt like we had moved past our issues and were going to be happy long term.
last night I found out he had been having sex with his work colleague in her car and her house during the time he had been asking me for a divorce and I’m fairly sure they were having an ongoing emotional affair too. I can’t even put into words how devastated I feel. He has totally betrayed my trust and I feel like our relationship will be tainted forever now.
he is extremely upset and desperately trying to fix things with me. He works in a small office with her every day though and I can’t get the image of them having passionate sex in her car while I was at home feeling depressed waiting for him.
Has anyone stayed in this sort of situation and were able to make it work? I’m not in a financial position to leave yet and I don’t have anyone to talk to or help me. I want to try and make it work as he seems so remorseful but I’m scared I’m making a huge mistake.
he told me when he asked for a divorce that he doesnt feel any spark with me and our sex life is boring. She is younger than me and skinny and very busty. The thought of him naked with her and all over her is tearing me apart.
Hes now saying I’m the love of his life and he can’t ever lose me and he really regrets what he did etc.
Have any of your marriages survived this sort of thing and how did you do it? Thanks

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 21/11/2022 21:55

It sounds like he was going to leave and perhaps most the option, so you'll do as fall back girl, for a soft, cosy, reliable, familiar, already established landing .... But until when (?)

Generalmanageroftheuniverse · 21/11/2022 21:55

He's not the right person to have a family with, I'm sorry.

bingoandflop · 21/11/2022 21:58

Why are you the one having to move out - did I miss that part? Can't you kick him out?

Twiglett2 · 21/11/2022 22:02

@Bananacaramel8

My husband did very similar, he suddenly decided he was unhappy, said he'd never been happy etc etc. He eventually admitted (the same day) that he'd actually been having an affair for the last 2 months, turned out quite a few people knew hence him admitting to it. Within the week he promised it was over, I didn't want to upset our school age children so attempted to work things out. He came along to couples counselling and initially said and did mostly the rights things, but I had a feeling he was still seeing her.

I then had months of him making me feel like I was going mad, I knew he was still seeing her but he constantly denied it. Prior to this I honestly thought we had a happy solid marriage and I knew our children would be devastated if we split up. I lost 2 stone in weight, was physically ill and my mental health was suffering. Even when I had proof and confronted him he still denied he was seeing her. I kicked him out. My children and I were/are devastated but my health is so much better.

You need to tell him to leave, even if it's just whilst you decide what to do. You know that he is capable of not only fucking about but also knowingly causing you more hurt and distress by continuing to lie. He won't change and you deserve so much better.

Capturetotalelotion · 21/11/2022 22:15

I found out my DH was cheating after being married for about a year. We had been together 6 years before that no kids just turning 30. She was the ex of one of his uni mates. Turns out they had been seeing each other before we even got married. Please kick him out/leave and never look back. I haven’t spoken to any of the people involved since he left me, even mutual friends. Some of them knew and I found out him and his mistress had been out on group nights out with all ‘our’ mates as a couple. He even wanted her to come on holiday with us!!! We went to relate but I wasn’t prepared to forgive. No chance. We sold the house, split everything fairly and moved on. That was nearly 20 years ago and we’re both fine and survived it all. He isn’t the one for you, put him in the bin.

YouOKHun · 21/11/2022 22:24

I really feel for you OP, that’s a horrible thing to happen. As others have said, not just the infidelity but the willingness to gaslight you. He sounds like an immature and self centred dick.

I’m in my mid fifties now and have quite a few friends I got to know as 40 somethings with children and established marriages (so I didn’t know them in their twenties and thirties). I’m struck by how often when you really get to know someone they say, in the course of conversation, “of course this is actually my second marriage, I had a short lived one in my twenties/thirties”. Some of those first short marriages ended by mutual realisation they weren’t ready but others collapsed painfully because of the immaturity and lack of backbone just like your DH @Bananacaramel8 .

The point is they’ve all gone on to find much happier stable relationships and while there is regret that things went wrong there is also a sense of relief that they drew a line under it and moved on. I’ve never heard one of those people say it could have been salvaged or would have been worth trying to put it right. You’re young enough and it’s early enough to end this now and give yourself a much better chance of the happiness you deserve in the long term. This isn’t your fault.

Can he go elsewhere to give you space? Can you stay with a family member or friend who can support you in real life? 💐

MCHammersmutha · 21/11/2022 22:30

Tuning in as i am someone who forgave in this kind of situation. Eventually split as it happened a few times. Every time he either denied denied denied, begged forgiveness, cried (on his knees), texted pleading 'biggest mistake of his life..... etc etc etc. He is now married with kids to the last one...she was ' the biggest mistake of his life' apparently.

You are just too good for him. He will always put his needs and wants before you, ALWAYS. Don't fall for his pleadings he will eventually leave on HIS terms if he doesn't now.

I know how utterly heartbreaking and soul destroying this is but it will be worse if you let him be the one to call all the shots.

Prepare to leave..... on your terms...not his.

CloudyYellow · 21/11/2022 22:42

Get rid you deserve more than this.

lostonmn · 21/11/2022 22:52

YouOKHun · 21/11/2022 22:24

I really feel for you OP, that’s a horrible thing to happen. As others have said, not just the infidelity but the willingness to gaslight you. He sounds like an immature and self centred dick.

I’m in my mid fifties now and have quite a few friends I got to know as 40 somethings with children and established marriages (so I didn’t know them in their twenties and thirties). I’m struck by how often when you really get to know someone they say, in the course of conversation, “of course this is actually my second marriage, I had a short lived one in my twenties/thirties”. Some of those first short marriages ended by mutual realisation they weren’t ready but others collapsed painfully because of the immaturity and lack of backbone just like your DH @Bananacaramel8 .

The point is they’ve all gone on to find much happier stable relationships and while there is regret that things went wrong there is also a sense of relief that they drew a line under it and moved on. I’ve never heard one of those people say it could have been salvaged or would have been worth trying to put it right. You’re young enough and it’s early enough to end this now and give yourself a much better chance of the happiness you deserve in the long term. This isn’t your fault.

Can he go elsewhere to give you space? Can you stay with a family member or friend who can support you in real life? 💐

So true, not at all uncommon to have a short lived, first marriage. Happens a lot.

CJsGoldfish · 21/11/2022 22:58

Hes now saying I’m the love of his life and he can’t ever lose me and he really regrets what he did etc
You know that he is saying this because his plans with her fell through, right?

Hotelfoxtrot · 21/11/2022 23:03

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
Personally I don’t think I could get over this. It would forever change how I see DH. Only you know if you have it in you. Take your time considering your options. If temporary separation is an option, I’d definitely do that.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 21/11/2022 23:06

This man will ruin the rest of your life if you let him.

lamaze1 · 21/11/2022 23:39

He is keeping his options open OP. You're worth better than this.

twinklystar23 · 24/11/2022 04:06

He is emotionally abusive. This is domestic abuse, coercive control is against the law. You could consider what evidence you have, but see a solicitor, as you could potentially get an occupation order and for him to leave. You would need to make your own plans to support yourself, as the marriage is less than 2 years a judge would look to put you both back to where you were at the start of the marriage.

It would help to arm yourself with advice. It is likely this will help you regain a feeling of a sense of control back over your life. Consult womens aid, sort your own finances.

Then the balls in your court....

Hopelessromatic · 16/01/2023 20:20

Hi OP , I just came across your post . How are you ? I really hope your ok xx

hiyaqwerty · 16/01/2023 20:40

Please please look to leave him, gather funds and get out. Don't waste your life with him. He will cheat again as he's tasted what it's like, he will go back for more when opportunity arises for him, he will know you will take him back. He sees this woman at work everyday after attempting to leave you for her, clearly got dumped by her, he must've had very strong feelings for her to want to end your 7 month marriage, those feelings won't just go away especially when he sees her at work everyday. As if he won't be thinking of her, worst thinking of her whilst with you.

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