Husband (who is main earner) wants to work part-time

[mugglewump]

My husband started discussions with work today to move to part-time work. He is unhappy in his job and 57 years old. Part of me gets it, for his sake, but I am concerned about the drop in income. I work 4 days a week (most weeks - supply teacher and tutor), but earn a pittance in comparison and have a chronic health condition which leaves me fatigued and is the reason I am no long class teaching full time. We have two kids at university. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to bring home the bacon because I can't? Or should we both be able to do the same?

Not unreasonable at all, he's not far off 60 and I totally get it. I will add to the chorus of downsizing and life is short of your mortgage is almost paid off / if you can unlock decent positive equity on a house sale.

If your income from 4 days supply and tutoring is “a pittance” compared to his, he must be a pretty high earner. If you can’t pay your bills if he reduces his hours to an equivalent level to yours (mental health is important as well, not just physical health!) then you should work together to work out what you can do to reduce those bills - downsizing, providing less support to university age kids, etc.

You both need as has been said to sit down and do the sums together OP. Then have the conversation. But ultimately it's up to him if he's had enough. If the sums are workable and tweaks made then why not?

You're chronic health problem is besides the point you work pt and do what you can.
The issue is dh is unhappy working f/t like the rest of the population and doesn't want to do it.
Would he still consider it if you both worked f/t or does he see he's missing out.
If he can afford to go p/t he can otherwise he'll have to work f/t.

If he got sick and couldn't work at all then you would just HAVE to manage. He should be able to do a 4 day week at the very least.

If he has been working fulltime all these years then it is very harsh to baulk at him reducing his hours. Also people should be aware that a person can be mentally unwell, too, especially feeling they must work fulltime at this age. It can be draining if they have no energy to do anything nice, due to fulltime work.

I would leave my dh if he tried to stop me going part time, after working fulltime for years.

I am afraid it works both ways.

You work reduced hours because of your health condition.

You husband is 57 and needs to slow down too.

So what you need to do is look at how you can reduce your outgoings and downsize if needed.

You kids are grown and can also make their own way in life by getting a part-time job alongside their studies if needed.

I am the main earner and I work part-time. And that's with one child at uni, whose rent I pay.

I think being miserable in a job is a valid reason just like OP.

If you cut your cloth accordingly can you actually afford it OP? It reads as though perhaps you can but you just want your DH to bring in his regular wage. Your kids at uni will have to manage like other people's kids do.

Double standards here, he may be just as tired as you, so why are you more important ?

I’m going to say it’s hard to vote YABU or YANBU without knowing if you and your husband can actually afford the drop in wages

If you could easily afford your life with DH cutting his hours then of course YABU
If you’re going to struggle to get by then I think YANBU to be worried

It sounds like you need to sit down and discuss what it possible to do

If your DH has told you he is struggling doing full time then I would also bare that in mind as MH can be just as restricting as physical health

If he is working part time, could he help more in the home to allow you to not be so tired and work more?

You no longer have small children to care for, so if you’re working part time and he wants to as well, you have no right to try and stop him.

It is incredibly selfish of you to expect him to work full time if he doesn’t need to anymore. Presumably he’d be prepared to sacrifice the extra money so you should too.

Maybe luxury was the wrong word to use. But I stand by my point that OPs husband shouldn't be expected to burn himself out because the OP can't work full time. His health is just as important.

What makes you think your fatigue is more valid reason than your husband's mental health? You are asking him to ignore his mental health then he is within his right to ask you to find a better paid employment

I think, by 57, I'd hope I could cut down a little. But what is he asking for re part time? Is he talking going down to 25/30/35 hours? What does he work now and what impact will it have on your finances?

What happens when he breaks?

It’s good that he recognises that he needs to slow down rather than work till he drops.

He should stick with it until the kids have finished Uni

My husband and I are both teachers. I’m 55 second in dept in a busy academic school- he’s 52 with a range of responsibilities. We have youngest DC about to start Uni and are also planning to move and will need to increase our mortgage. He’s been quite stressed by work for a while and is going to give up some of his extra - paid- responsibilities. His well-being is important and we will just have to readjust our spending. I think your DH should be allowed to do this.

I worked reduced hours when DS was younger and now do a 30 hr week rather than a 35 hr week ( DS16) and don't really intend to increase my hours unless there is an absolute financial need.

However I've always said to DH that if he wants to go down to 4 days a week, he absolutely should, as even though he earns more as a contractor than I do, it seems absolutely fair ( although I do more housework than him).

What's important is fairness. It's strange he didn't discuss this with you before raising with his employers - maybe he was worried he'd get told to get on with "bringing home the bacon" without raising any complaints.

OP have you looked at claiming PIP. It is hard to get but possible if you have a disability which means you need extra support. I did this recent lily so I could stay on 4 days per week, which I also need to do for health reasons.

My dad did the same, but he was 50! He was a sixth form maths and computing teacher, but just hit a wall shortly after his 50th birthday. Just turned around one day and said "it's a young persons game. I'm too old and I don't care." He was the sole wage earner.

Presumably he and my mum crunched the numbers and decided it would work? I was at uni, and my sister had just graduated.

From then on he and my mum had 12 very happy years of "retirement". My dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly at 62. And it filled us with both relief, and horror, to think that he could EASILY have still been working full time at 62.

Tbh, if he’s struggling with full time work, then I’d say that he needs to go part time, or change job, which may not be as lucrative.
You say that “you can’t” work full time yourself, because of health issues, but tbh, it sounds as if “he can’t” anymore.
You need to talk about your future, and finances. If your DCs are in uni, then they may well move out fairly soon and you could downsize, to reduce your outgoings. Whatever you decide, needs to be a joint decision, but you have to take his concerns seriously. Men often feel pressured to “bring home the bacon” to their severe detriment,

His well-being should be more important than him earning the money to buy you nice baubles. He sounds a good bloke to have worked hard and supported you all these years, he should be able to relax a bit now.

If your work is a pittance compared to his, you might be pleasantly surprised that he might reduce his hours, but he will be reducing the hours that pay the most tax if that makes sense so the impact on take home pay might not be as huge as you think.

Plus him having a nervous breakdown wont help anyone.

You can't work more hours for health reasons, which is entirely understandable and I agree people are missing this!

Your husbands desire to reduce his working hours is completely understandable too, but there needs to be a joint discussion and decision reached which includes going through your finances and working out what your née income will be.