...to ask what my wife's thought process is, in this situation?

[WalkingOnTheCracks]

Married twenty years. Pretty early on I mentioned that I don't like v-neck jumpers. I mean, it's not a huge deal. It wasn't mentioned in the wedding speeches. It's not something I felt I had to get straight even before we got serious. It's just one of those things that comes up at some point, and it came up within the first year or so, I guess.

But every couple of years, my wife will buy me a v-neck jumper for Christmas. I open it and I don't need to say anything, because she gets in first.

"I know it's a v-neck, but it's such a lovely blue!"

"I know you don't like v-necks, but it's cashmere!"

"...it's just perfect for your eye colour."

"...I thought you could wear it to Sally and Mike's next week."

"...it's from Harrods!"

They always end up being taken back.

But - leaving aside the question of why I don't like v-necks, which I think I'm allowed - what I'm interested to know is what she's thinking when she buys them. Does she think, "Well, this one's just irresistible. Even WoTC will love this." Or does she just think that my aversion to v-necks is a passing phase? Or not worthy of consideration?

She doesn't like sarongs. If I persisted in the attempt to buy her a sarong every other Christmas, there'd be ructions.

Why does she keep at it?

Why assume all the game playing, she's trying to control you rubbish. Could just as easily be she s forgotten. I do this someone says they hate sparkling wine and a year later I've remembered it as they love sparkling wine.
You must know that she loves and cherishes you. If you don't know that why are you together still and if you do know that then it would be a little quirk, something funny between you surely?

I do this someone says they hate sparkling wine and a year later I've remembered it as they love sparkling wine.

Are we talking a work colleague here or somebody you've actually been married to for many years?

She's already made it clear that she's trying to make him change his mind. It might only seem a small thing, but she manifestly is not willing to respect his clearly-stated preferences for his own clothing choices. What else does she try to control him in?

I really enjoyed the November part of this thread as an analysis of adult relationships and I agree OP writes very well. The update is actually a bit sad and makes me think that there are bigger issues such as controlling behaviour from your wife. At the same time, there are so many factors we won’t ever know as we are not in your house or your relationship. Good luck OP with getting the jumpers you like and deserve! Your thread has made me take a look at how I buy presents for sure.

If a husband persisted in buying his wife something in a style she has made clear she doesn’t like, there would be cries of LTB. I don’t think many would be saying “awwhh, he thinks you’ll look good in it”.

I agree with the pp who said that your wife just doesn’t get it, to her the neckline is a tiny, insignificant thing. I think she sees the jumper as a whole, thinking “the colour is nice, the fibre luxurious, the quality good, therefore this is OBVIOUSLY a nice jumper and my husband will look good in it and therefore like it, who wouldn’t ?” She thinks your dislike of V necks is a ridiculous whim that at some point you will get over. The smaller details are nothing to her.
My DH is like this. He would look at me baffled if I mentioned plackets, or ruffles, or the precise depth of neckline that works or doesn’t. He sees a jumper, it feels nice, it is cosy, the end.
He never buys me things that I have repeatedly said I dislike though, because I have been brutally honest in my rejections. He won’t risk it so only buys me clothes that he knows I like, I do a wish list in November as I also have a December birthday. Jewellery or other things he feels more confident about choosing himself.
I think you need to ask for more specific things, or next time a V neck is produced, calmly take it into the garden and take a lighter to it.

If a husband persisted in buying his wife something in a style she has made clear she doesn’t like, there would be cries of LTB. I don’t think many would be saying “awwhh, he thinks you’ll look good in it”.

There was a thread on here the other day where the OP was deeply upset that her DH had bought her sexy lingerie for Christmas - just once.

There's obviously some difference between underwear and a jumper, but it's still a loved one giving you clothing that THEY want to enjoy seeing you wearing, even though they know that YOU don't want to wear it.

I agree that it's concerning how many people on this thread have tried to persuade OP that he should ignore his own feelings and just accept it anyway, to avoid any more of the drama that his wife has deliberately chosen to create. That line about (supposedly) trying to do something kind and him being ungrateful is nasty. It's a close cousin of "if you really loved me, you would be happy to do it".

This last paragraph made me LOL 😂 love it.

I think you need to ask for more specific things, or next time a V neck is produced, calmly take it into the garden and take a lighter to it.

Also do a mystic ritual dance over it, singing in your finest Bananarama stylee "I'm a V-neck; not required - here's the fire!"

Surely this is a dynamic about power & control that every relationship has & though hardly serious has become a sticking point with neither party prepared to budge over the years.

Despite your years of polite protestations your DW is refusing to yield to your requests & acknowledge your feelings on the matter.

And you are refusing to be bulldozed into compliance for the sake of a quiet life or to indulge her whim on this.

What this says about your relationship is anyone’s guess. Surely you both compromise on things all the time & for some reason this is one thing where neither of you are being prepared to.

Maybe it’s just an expression of the right to not always have to comply & compromise - that each of you have & given it’s only a jumper maybe you just accept it for what it is.

Maybe you should celebrate it as an annual ritual of your relationship. Or turn it into a ballet or opera - The Dance of the Unwanted though Very Lovely Jumper.

Out of curiosity where are all the v necks of Christmas past kept? There must be a whole chest or wardrobe devoted to this person your wife wants you to be that you refuse to.

I would give him a name and very occasionally surprise her in one as your alter ego.

It may have interesting consequences. Wonder if that would make you review your stance on the matter - if it rewarded you with some new found attraction on her part to you?!

What this says about your relationship is anyone’s guess. Surely you both compromise on things all the time & for some reason this is one thing where neither of you are being prepared to.

But that's absolutely not what compromise is. Compromise is finding a happy middle-ground in a matter that affects two or more people - it doesn't mean giving up your own autonomy to decide things that only affect you because somebody else has a bizarre idea that they should have a say - more of a say than you, in fact - in your own personal choices.

There must be a whole chest or wardrobe devoted to this person your wife wants you to be that you refuse to.
I would give him a name and very occasionally surprise her in one as your alter ego.
It may have interesting consequences. Wonder if that would make you review your stance on the matter - if it rewarded you with some new found attraction on her part to you?!

I can't see that being in any way acceptable to suggest the other way around, though: wear/do what he wants you to in the bedroom (something that you expressly don't want to wear/do yourself and he knows very well that you don't want to) and you might be able to consider yourself lucky if that makes him pay attention to you and shag you.

It's unfair and annoying. I suspect she either thinks you don't suit round necks, crew necks or she has a preference for you in V necks. Must be tricky. She sounds a little bossy, I can identify. My DP hates shorts but I insist on buying them. He will only wear them in the privacy of our garden.

My DP hates shorts but I insist on buying them. He will only wear them in the privacy of our garden.

What arbitrary options does he coerce you into doing that he knows you hate?

While I agree it's shit she keeps doing it I'd say it's because she likes you in V necks. Or thinks they are the best jumpers on you.

She should stop but she probs just wants you to wear them and look handsome!

My God, if this was written by a man who insisted on buying his wife her least favourite item of clothing ... year after year ... he'd be crucified for being controlling.

Yep, reverse this and let's pretend it's a low-cut top being bought for a woman.
The double standards on here really are something else at times!

"Here, darling, I know you don't like to wear make-up, but I've bought you some of my choosing. I really want to encourage you to use it - and will continue to do so for years, if you don't. Hey, it'll make me find you more attractive and want to jump on you, so you'll get lucky too - so that's a guaranteed win for both of us!"

She literally says “I know you don’t like v necks but [insert excuse]”

She’s not forgetting.

Howling at this 😂

Please buy a sarong. It’s the only way 🤣

Weird pov. I bought clothes for my adult son as that’s what he wanted. It’s certainly not lazy looking round the shops and queuing in long Christmas lines to buy them. Clothes are a great and much appreciated present to many.

Read that back and reverse the sexes.

I can't explain this and I explain behaviour EVERY day!

I HATE V-necks too, unless you have something under them they look crap and even then you can really only wear a shirt and it look decent.

The only way round this is to buy her stuff she hates every year until she gets it. Mentioning that you will continue until she sees buying you these v-necks isn't acceptable for you :) It is really rather strange.

If we are thinking changing her behaviour, who takes the jumpers back normally? If it is you then I'd tell her she needs to take it back or it goes in the bin. Make it effort for her so she stops doing it.

Agree. I can’t really be bothered buying clothes and don’t have much interest in fashion so my wardrobe would be very tired without the couple of nice things I get from family each year. I’m super grateful!

I (59M) can only imagine wearing a V neck somewhere cold with a shirt ( which I rarely wear) with a collar. To me it’s a farmers look, or someone who shoots animals and desires a facade of respectability.