Friend was rude and ungrateful

[Theblacksheepandme]

I was going out with 2 friends the other night. One of them asked for a lift there and back which would mean going slightly out of our way. My husband was dropping me off and picking up afterwards. It was no problem doing this and my husband didn't mind.

We set off and it was an extremely cold night so my husband had the heating on in the car. She got in and complained it was very warm. My husband apologises and turns the heating off and tells her she can open the window if she likes. She opened the window and I thought that would be the end of it.

She got out of the car and complained about the heat in the car on regular occasions during the night. She mentioned it to my other friend when she showed up. When I text my husband to be collected he set off straight away and she complained about how long he took. I could tell by how long it took him to get to us that he definitely set off straight after I text him. AIBU that I thought she was rude and ungrateful.

Maybe she fancies your husband lol

@ReneBumsWombats
My husband says he recognises that I allow bad behaviour in the beginning of a friendship. I let little things go and when it's really bad and I call the person out it's too late. They look at me with wide eyes asking what the fuck is my problem.

Yes because you said this happened 'the other night'. So at least 48 hours had passed before you started this thread, asking if you were being unreasonable to think she was rude and ungrateful

It's confusing that someone so assertive still wouldn't recognise obviously bad behaviour days later.

I recognised the bad behaviour immediately though and that's why I called her out on it on the night. I went home and spoke to my husband about both incidents.

AIBU that I thought she was rude and ungrateful.

I don't understand why you're asking that ^^ then if you recognised it?

Some people have trauma free childhoods. Others brush everyone’s pain aside as it is too difficult to hear as they are suffering greatly themselves.

I have a friend like this. She has had such a sheltered, privileged life and is only able to understand / empathise with people, who have issues or ailments she or her family have suffered. I don’t talk about my life as she doesn’t offer any empathy or understanding. If I got covid, she’d be rather concerned because she gets that. Chronic illness, major surgeries and a violent sibling and more besides, not so much.

If these people can't take criticism you're well rid. I'm not always 'good' neither are my friends. But we love each other and will call each other out. Most likely apologise for being a knob and carry on. If you need to walk on eggshells with people they aren't friends anyway.
One of my closest friends can be awful when drunk. I've walked away from her before. She does apologise. But she's been dreadful when out with others and thinks they have the problem. Recently I was very direct with her and said she changes personality when drunk. She can be abusive. Last few times we've been out she's reigned it in. Hopefully she's heard me? 🤞 She's an amazing person but past issues rear their ugly head. Plus she isn't in the best of health.

Sometimes it's good to hear we're right and get feedback. Even when we know we are.

She would not have got back in the car again unless to issue an apology to my husband that's for certain.

You should have shut her down straight away - "Doris, you have said twice now about the heat in the car. It was a favour to pick you up. I suggest you take a taxi home"

And if she hadn't immediately apologised - taxi home for her (paid by her of course)

Would you let a child act like that? Why let an adult?

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Because I have spent my whole fucking life being told I am the unreasonable person when I think behaviour like this is unacceptable and call people out on it.

@DuplicateUserName
Does the above answer your question? I explained previously.

I can definitely understand that but that's not the case here according to the OP.

When she started the thread she said she thought she was being oversensitive.

Yet the behaviour she describes is very very obviously rude and ungrateful.

Cross posted OP

I give up then because you're saying you recognised it and then you're saying you didn't because you thought you were being oversensitive.

Anyway, I hope you've got what you wanted from this thread. Trust your instincts and cut the silly acquaintance from your life.

i think this is the crux of it. You need to say something immediately. You can mildly pull them up, rather than going in guns blazing, but you do need a mild comment or two to make your point.

These particular ones sound very insensitive though. I don’t think it’s you. It’s them.

Probably because OP finds it hard to make friends so needs validation she isn't being a cunt? I don't know but as long as she's getting something from this thread then no harm done. Loneliness is dreadful. I do all I can to help people who are lonely. Too outing to say what I do

Yes I'd have said in the car at the time. It can fester otherwise and you want to punch them.

Because I have spent my whole fucking life being told I am the unreasonable person when I think behaviour like this is unacceptable and call people out on it.

From what I gather, you let it go at first and then tackle it with "bad delivery" once it hits your limit. I'm not excusing bad behaviour, but I can see why someone would not react well when they've never been told anything is amiss and then someone comes in all guns blazing and has apparently been stewing on it for ages. I wouldn't respond well to that and I may well end the friendship because what's the point if they can't communicate with me?

Sure, ideally we would all always know already and would never need to be told we were being unreasonable, but I don't think many people are that near perfect.

Sure, ideally we would all always know already and would never need to be told we were being unreasonable, but I don't think many people are that near perfect.

Don't know about you but most people who appear perfect are often two faced. My ds2 (adult) and one of my closest friends are the exception. Not a bad bone. I feel like malificent sometimes next to her 😂. She's bad in other ways but never to others.

I didn't mean for it all to be bold 🙈

You have no friends because you socialise with people you feel the need to "call out".

You need to know that most people don't have that with their friends.

If you are having to "call out" everyone you socialise with at some point then something has to change because this is not what a friend is. Friendships aren't supposed to be hard work, hurt feelings and (ultimately) confrontation. Take a step back and look at the situation. What is going on?

It's better to accept you have no friends and work on that than grab onto people just for the sake of company.

Apologies op, I didn’t realise you had taken them to task.

Good for you OP you don’t need fake friends like these. You have a supportive DH who sounds lovely and I’m sure you will find like minded friends in time rather than your ex colleagues who have zero empathy, tact or manners.

Don't bother with them then!

We are So sorry that the temperature in the car was not to your standards and sincere apologies for the length of time it took for your car to arrive. Would you like a refund?
Oh wait that’s right you didn’t pay for a taxi, or offer us petrol money, or even say thank you….

I suggest next time she walks!

Needing to open the car door a few times during the trip? What did she have a coke!?

THAT is not a friend. Cut off that negative energy girl!