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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend was rude and ungrateful

145 replies

Theblacksheepandme · 21/11/2022 00:34

I was going out with 2 friends the other night. One of them asked for a lift there and back which would mean going slightly out of our way. My husband was dropping me off and picking up afterwards. It was no problem doing this and my husband didn't mind.

We set off and it was an extremely cold night so my husband had the heating on in the car. She got in and complained it was very warm. My husband apologises and turns the heating off and tells her she can open the window if she likes. She opened the window and I thought that would be the end of it.

She got out of the car and complained about the heat in the car on regular occasions during the night. She mentioned it to my other friend when she showed up. When I text my husband to be collected he set off straight away and she complained about how long he took. I could tell by how long it took him to get to us that he definitely set off straight after I text him. AIBU that I thought she was rude and ungrateful.

OP posts:
euff · 21/11/2022 07:17

Yes she was. You've missed the opportunity to raise at the time but you can still raise it if she seeks another lift from you using the responses pp's have given.

Having said that my SiL would turn her heating up so it was like a sauna and the heated seat was burning me (probably intentional!) She wasn't doing me a favour though as we would use her car and mine but alternate which family members went in each car on trips out together.

Wallstick · 21/11/2022 07:21

YANBU but I think she was covering something else by complaining. Hot flush or just sweaty maybe? Embarrassed she can't sort her own travel? Maybe someone said something negative about her getting a lift earlier. But I wouldn't hold it against her unless it's regular.

PurplePixies · 21/11/2022 07:48

Wallstick · 21/11/2022 07:21

YANBU but I think she was covering something else by complaining. Hot flush or just sweaty maybe? Embarrassed she can't sort her own travel? Maybe someone said something negative about her getting a lift earlier. But I wouldn't hold it against her unless it's regular.

You’re either the biggest doormat or a serial complainer. 😂

4thdegree · 21/11/2022 07:59

YABU to have to ask if she was rude when you clearly know she was. No one is going to disagree. If you just wanted a moan about her, say that

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/11/2022 08:05

Yes rude and ungrateful. In my experience people are like that when they are jealous of something or really insecure about something. Eg can't afford a car, doesn't have anyone who would put themselves out to pick her up. It doesn't excuse that kind of behaviour though and you dont need to put up with it. Is she like this about other things? I bet she didnt endear herself to your mutual friends either, I wouldn't really know what to say if someone was moaning about a hot car in front of the person who had given them a lift

WimpoleHat · 21/11/2022 08:08

I would have said something like” ah well that’s saved us having to go out of our way to drop you at home on the way back, hope you can get a taxi sorted”

So would I. “Gosh, Steve, it’s hot in this car!” is fine. Once. As is “would it be okay if I opened the window?”. But any more than that is rude and weird. By the third mention, I’d have said “make your own way home”. I certainly wouldn’t give her a lift again.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/11/2022 08:14

What did she say when you asked her why she was doing this?

Kittykat9070 · 21/11/2022 08:16

I get more irritated with the poster in these situations.
Obviously she’s a rude cow, but I can’t understand why you wouldn’t say something!!
Are you even going to? Would you in the future if it happens again? If not, it’s really pointless to post if you’re not going to realise you don’t need to be spoken to like that

SnarkyBag · 21/11/2022 08:16

You know she was rude your real gripe is that you didn’t feel you could pull her up on it. You’d be feeling a whole lot better about this if you’d said something at the time.

cleanfreak12345 · 21/11/2022 08:18

I gave some friends a lift home from a night out a couple of years ago as I wasn't drinking. It was about ten miles in the opposite direction but it was one of their birthdays so I thought okay.

One friend was being a twat and kept turning the music up so loud it was effecting my concentration. That was the first and last time I gave them a lift

Op, do the same, she's v ungrateful

BankseyVest · 21/11/2022 08:18

If she mentions it again simply say 'feel free to get a taxi next time' laugh a little and change the subject. Yanbu

Crimeismymiddlename · 21/11/2022 08:21

I know a women like this. Gets people to do her favours, then complains about said favour/person doing favours. Some of the things she complained about were mind boggling ie the person picking up an item for her took a different route then the one she required.
She is a difficult person to put it kindly, and now complains no one will do her favours.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/11/2022 08:26

Ok so when she complained, I asked what temperature she would like the car to be on the way home and I'll text my husband to let him know. She got all flustered and said not to say anything to him about her complaints.

In relation to hot flushes, that's another story from the night. I am on HRT and my other friends aren't. They had a conversation on how they think people are exaggerating about it all as they are perfectly fine. In fact they both made me feel shit about taking HRT. They're both sick of hearing about it all.

I had a pretty awful childhood with stuff and a really awful family. Other friend said that she can't understand how people can't just get over stuff. She thinks it's a personality make up that they can't just get on with things. I told her on a number of occasions that I was sexually assaulted as a child but she still says this.

Also I know I said friends but they are people I used to work with and I stay in touch. They are really not friends. In fact I don't have any friends. I just find that anytime I try to make friends and go out that people are just so unpleasant, like the other night. I wfh since lockdown and have no friends and it can get lonely.

I got home the other night and my lovely husband was a great support. The whole night upset me. Especially the other person making me feel weak for not just getting over a traumatic past. Believe me, I don't dwell on it. I got counselling and I am doing well.

I am not a weak person but sometimes get tired of having to constantly stand up for myself. I am cutting contact with both of them but now feel I have absolutely no one besides my lovely husband and daughter. I just wish people could be more in tune with other people's feelings.

Apologies for the rant.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/11/2022 08:39

I hope you actually called her out on her behaviour rather than wasting your time with passive aggressive shit.

I'm also on HRT and it's no excuse for having no manners.

I wouldn't bother with either of them. You can make new friends.

Blahburst · 21/11/2022 08:39

Sometimes people like this need called out. You don’t have to get angry and you don’t have to stay silent. A sharp “eh, you can always get a taxi home if our lift isn’t up to your standards, Mary” after the first complaint should shut her up immediately.

CuriousMama · 21/11/2022 08:43

YABU your poor friend. Is she menopausal?

Loics · 21/11/2022 08:46

She would definitely not be getting a lift home from me, in fact she'd be lucky not to be chucked out during the journey there to make her own way for the remainder of the journey! I've done this before, it got to a point where the ranting and complaining (about different things) was so constant, I pulled over and told them to make their own way home.

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/11/2022 08:46

@CuriousMama
You did just read my poor friends view on HRT and menopause?

OP posts:
Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/11/2022 08:48

I do call people out on things.
It's not angry or passive aggressive but very direct. That's why I have no friends. I spent the night calling them out on stuff. It can get tiring and I just wanted a bloody fun night out.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/11/2022 08:51

@Theblacksheepandme they just sound like shit friends to be honest

CuriousMama · 21/11/2022 08:53

Theblacksheepandme · 21/11/2022 08:46

@CuriousMama
You did just read my poor friends view on HRT and menopause?

Cross posted but I wasn't being serious. You asked a ridiculous question. Who on earth would think she was being reasonable?

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/11/2022 08:55

@girlmom21
I'm in my late 40's and all I want is someone kind and fun to go on an occasional night out with. I have had nothing but shit people in my life. I am so lucky with my husband and daughter. I wouldn't have anyone otherwise.

OP posts:
Nothingfree · 21/11/2022 08:57

Let her use public transport if the conditions are so bad in a personal car 😂 some people well... 😂

Original poster
Theblacksheepandme · 21/11/2022 08:58

CuriousMama · 21/11/2022 08:53

Cross posted but I wasn't being serious. You asked a ridiculous question. Who on earth would think she was being reasonable?

Show quote history

Because I have spent my whole fucking life being told I am the unreasonable person when I think behaviour like this is unacceptable and call people out on it.

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 21/11/2022 08:59

Genuinely if someone complained too much about the temperature in a car I was giving them a lift in I'd pull over and offer them the opportunity of cooling down during their walk home.

Don't be so desperate for friends that you overlook bad behaviour.