Friend was rude and ungrateful

[Theblacksheepandme]

I was going out with 2 friends the other night. One of them asked for a lift there and back which would mean going slightly out of our way. My husband was dropping me off and picking up afterwards. It was no problem doing this and my husband didn't mind.

We set off and it was an extremely cold night so my husband had the heating on in the car. She got in and complained it was very warm. My husband apologises and turns the heating off and tells her she can open the window if she likes. She opened the window and I thought that would be the end of it.

She got out of the car and complained about the heat in the car on regular occasions during the night. She mentioned it to my other friend when she showed up. When I text my husband to be collected he set off straight away and she complained about how long he took. I could tell by how long it took him to get to us that he definitely set off straight after I text him. AIBU that I thought she was rude and ungrateful.

I had a friend like this. Late when I was picking her up. Moaning about the state of my car. Having to be prodded to contribute to fuel. One night when she moaned that she didn't want to leave a pub and wandered off to get another drink I just got up, walked out and drove home without her.
Never did find out how she got home. I deleted her voicemail messages the morning after and never heard from her again.

I don't think I was overly sensitive about the car thing - pissed off yes. I was overly sensitive about the other person saying people should just get over when bad things happen them. I apologise that I came from a terrible childhood, narcissistic Mother, abused by 2 different men and that's just a very small number of things that happened to me. She thinks you must be weak if you just can't get on with things and require counselling. She also knows some of what I have been through. May I also say that it was only 2 people I was out with, not a large group of women that I had problems with.

You have shit immature friends.
You and dh are being unreasonable for pandering to her behaviour 🤷‍♀️
If it were me -
Friend - it’s too hot in this car
Me/dh - give over, it’s freezing out
END OF!
No idea what your dh was thinking of saying she could open a window … stop trying to please everyone else, look after yourself!

So other friend thinks you're weak? Are you sure they're friends and not just acquaintances? I hope she doesn't have dcs with that attitude.

And what do you think my personality is @CuriousMama. My daughter has loads of friends and is very assertive. She is definitely not as direct as me and more diplomatic like her Dad. She is a very kind lovely person. When her friends have something going on in their lives they tend to confide in her.

But as this thread proves, you very much need help in recognising bad behaviour.

If you can't recognise it, how can you call it out?

I don't know what your personality is like apart from how you are coming across here? You know your personality though.
I was trying to help you but I'm off. Good luck you'll need it.

I did say further up thread that they were not really friends and that I don't have any friends due to not accepting bad behaviour from people.

I do think I need to recognise bad behaviour earlier than I do.

That's not a rant, it's very reasonable. I hear you.

I can assure you that myself and my husband are extremely assertive. I am a little too direct with it

Then why are you asking us about this incident and why didn't you say anything at the time?

Then why are you asking us about this incident and why didn't you say anything at the time?

She's already said she did speak up but also doesn't want to risk losing the few acquaintances she does have because she likes the occasional night out

Ok...I think something is up here.

From your perspective, you are very assertive, maybe too much so...yet you didn't tackle this incident when it happened and instead you came on here to ask about it. And in addition to this, you say you have no friends and the reason is because you are so assertive and don't take any bad behaviour from people. Despite not showing any assertiveness here and indeed asking us if we think you overreacted.

I don't know exactly what's happening, but I do suspect that your perspective of both yourself and other people may not be entirely accurate. Most people can maintain friendships without consistently being treated badly.

Something simply doesn't add up.

part 2 as clearly listed, the whole shared experiance given it something they are doing TOGETHER... it might have been tonedeaf but to take it personally is bizaare.

I'm sorry @CuriousMama if I came across as ungrateful myself for the advice.

@mam0918 sorry I don't understand that post at all. Can you please rephrase it?

Actually I was reflecting and think you may have thought I was attacking you and your dd's personalities. I wasn't at all. Quite the opposite. I was meaning if she has your directness and has managed to make friends then there's hope. Just didn't come across like that 🙂
I'm direct myself. I'm more tactful than I used to be but still manage to make people gasp. Meh 😉 I have plenty of friends so if they can't hack it then go find yourself a people pleaser.
I think you just need to find your people.

When waiting for something its common in Britian to make small talk about the wait being too long. It would not be unusual to moan to the friend you are waiting with about a bus, taxi, to be called for an appointment, in a long line etc... taking 'too long', people do it as its a shared moment to bond over.

Tonedeaf purely because it was a personal life by OP boyfriend but not out of ordinary actions when waiting for something in general.

• lift not life

@mam0918 ah fair enough - very fair and valid point. Thank you!

I dont know why people dont RTT, I have said numerous times that I addressed both incidences. In relation to people asking what the 2nd incident was, I did say that too. If you want to click on see all posts it may answer peoples repetitive questions or assumptions that I did nothing about these situations.

I wonder what the thought process is when people moan when someone helps them out with a favour. Dont they realise that no one will help them the next time?

I had a pretty awful childhood with stuff and a really awful family. Other friend said that she can't understand how people can't just get over stuff. She thinks it's a personality make up that they can't just get on with things. I told her on a number of occasions that I was sexually assaulted as a child but she still says this.

Sound like this ‘friend’ is speaking from the privileged position of a trauma-free childhood. What happened to empathy?!

I did do a "see all" on your posts but I obviously missed that, sorry.

I do still think something is not adding up with regards to you having no friends because you're so good at not taking bad behaviour, though. Most people maintain friendships without being treated badly.

A boss who I once had said my delivery is appalling. He said that I am right in calling the person out, but how I do it is shite. I'm trying to improve on my delivery.