To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

I will stay at home on christmas. I cook myself a meal and watch some shows to try and make it feel a bit nicer

I know he lives about 20 miles away from us and roughly what he does for work but other than that, I have no clue

I'm sorry OP, you're definitely not being unreasonable for feeling inconvenienced and resentful!

Your mother won't be winning any prizes for her parenting skills (neither will your father) and - reading between the lines - it seems as if your childhood and youth has not been easy. I second PP's previous suggestions of leaving as soon as possible and possibly looking into counselling/therapy to deal with what sounds like emotional neglect from both your parents.

I wondered if he might be married too. But what partner would be OK with him spending Christmas etc with his other women? And them meeting their child?

Why don't you go to see your nan on Christmas Day?

Whatever her reasons for not introducing you, she is entitled to some personal space in her own house.

You’re in your 20s…. My husband and I had bought a house in my early 20s. Moved our pretty much by time I went to uni & stood on my own two feet

You’re being a bit soft tbh. Go for a walk, grab a flask of coffee and read a book. I’m sure you’ll find a way to pass the time.

I have no words!....why are some parents like this? there's a certain total detachment in a very unatural way from the dc that just makes this reading this so so sad.

Tell your mum you tries and dont have anywhere to go. WTF is wrong with your mum? Is there a back story here? Why cant your mum go to his place for date night? You pay 300 quid ffs, you should be able t stay there when you need / want

Yes OP, go for a walk in the dark for about 5 hours. Lovely way to pass the time alone when the sun has gone down on a Sunday. 🙄

You should definitely tell your nan what’s going on. Don’t be actively complicit in you being treated badly behind closed doors.

Go for a hike? Pack up a flask, sandwiches, chocolate etc & enjoy where you live. You’d be surprised how far you can go in 3 hours ish. Even when living in London I’d sometimes do urban hiking & just walk out in a random direction to find new things. So many hidden gem’s around & if you’re in a small town you can easily be out in the country in 30 minutes walking then the world is your oyster! Enjoy life even after dark & see the stars come out!

I’m glad you have somewhere to
go and some petrol money. However I thought it was pretty standard that, when parents want their children (of whatever age) out of the way for a while, they slip them a few quid for some sort of amusement/food/transport!

I would definitely confide in your Nan about Christmas. Why should you keep your mum's secret. You owe your moth nothing - she is treating you like some dirty secret.

I doubt you'll see her mum once you move out - and I think that will be good for you

@Annoyingkidsmusic do what , Op hadn't left uni yet and is early 20's , you also bought with your dh and not on your own did you so not standing on your own two feet at all

You're in your twenties and they've been dating for 5 years and she's met his child??!!

Now she expects you to get out of your own house for 7 hours with short notice?

This is so, so odd.

Why haven't you met him? What does she say?

YANBU

It’s fair enough that she wants some space but that shouldn’t be last minute and it shouldn’t be 6 hours.

I’m glad she’s given you money for fuel as I would have definitely asked her for some.

I would tell your mum that you’ll wait until he gets here to say hi first and introduce yourself and then you’ll head out.

This isn’t a new relationship and you need to meet him properly.

Is he younger than her?
Are you more attractive that her?
I’m wondering if there maybe a bit of jealousy going on 🤔

@Crazy998 OP has 7 hrs to be out and you know what a single female walking around on there own after dark in some areas isn't always safe

My point is that I had no issues leaving the house for 7 hours if my parents wanted a bit of space.

Goodness sake, mumsnet is full of people wetter than an otters pocket.

She’s been asked to leave for 7 hours not 3 🙄

Honestly some of the replies like this are so tone def.

It’s Sunday, lots of shops, cafes and “hidden gems” close early. It’s November. It’s cold, high chance of rain. Who the fuck would enjoy walking around alone when it’ll be dark in 2/3 hours knowing their own MOTHER thinks they are a burden in their own home.

Some women may not feel comfortable hiking alone when the stars come out. I know I certainly wouldn’t. What fucking dreadful advice.

@OngoingCrisis massive hugs. Your mums behaviour is waving many many red flags. Why does this long term relationship need keeping secret from your wider family. What would happen if they found out? I’d definitely ask your gran if you can spend Christmas with her and if she asks why explain your mums been absent this last 5 years.

Did you miss the part where OP’s mum told her that she doesn’t want her to move out. Just wants her gone when it suits her. Did you also not notice that OP hasn’t got a husband to buy a house with?

@BungleandGeorge I know how much they are per week and the student loan doesn't give more than £75 for kids at home parents are expected tp top up
Also this is their child not a stranger or a random your renting a room out too
£300 a month if your student chIld is quite good
Top loan is only £10000 and you don't get all of that if you live at home
My ds is at uni his loan doesn't cover his accommodation even, we aren't rich but we help him out where we can , when he is home he doesn't pay rent etc as tbh he doesn't cost that much , 1 extra shower a day , food bill up by about £30 a week
All other bills rent , ctax remain the same
But we do what we can because he is out son a child we chose to have and I didn't stop becoming his mum because he is 19 , maybe the OP mum needs the £300 fair enough but then needs to accept that its OP home too and can't just ask last minute , bugger off for 7 hrs when you have no money or nowhere to go
OP was more put out by lack of notice as too late to arrange anything

What's an obnoxious reply probably coming from the dark ages when houses were affordable. Bad enough to have to prop baby boomers up endlessly, worse when they're sanctimonious about it.

@Annoyingkidsmusic I would have had no issues with my mum wanting some time without me in the house, with reasonable notice. I'd be a lot happier if it was another day of the week, even more so if in the summer.

This is not what the OP is having to deal with.

What if you said no? That's five years is long enough and it's time to say hello!