To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

@BungleandGeorge but it is a lot when your a student , OP won't get as much loan as living at home as its expected parents cover , even living away we have to cover the shortfall
Maybe leaving your adult child alone is ok but not saying the relationship is a secret so OP as to stay home alone and can't go to grand etc as they all think she is with mum, that is not ok on any level
Im all for kids paying keep but within reason of their finances
OP is working and at UNi so trying to get somewhere in life , her mum will likely be on here in 10 years time asking why her dd never visits

This. You’re paying tent and still at uni.it is your home by her agreement.
agree that you’ll go out for 2 hours only and specify the time, (this will give them time for a bit of intimacy while your actually not there) . Then say rest of time you’ll be in your room or bathroom - take up snacks/supper and drinks ahead of time .

I don’t think it’s ok with short notice to turf you out and that amount of time in winter when it gets dark/cold/wet and with no time to have saved some money to plan an outing in advance

apologise. Say it’s obviously not great for her. Explain as soon as you’ve graduated and have a full time job you’ll be out of her hair. And ask her if she wants the place to herself for longer, then a weeks notice or more, will give you time to make plans to be out her hair for longer. If she gets pissed off..ask her what she’d do with herself for 8 hours at no notice if she was on her own?

you pay her rent - if you were paying someone else rent they couldn’t just turf you out of your own room. Shared spaces sure, that needs negotiation

posters are treating you like an independent and fully fledged and financed adult- you’re still a student and parents should provide the roof over your head until you graduate , or better till you have your first job and have found rental place to live. You won’t get housing bebemfits at this age so it’s not like you can support yourself without a massive impact on your studies. And changing that at this stage in your final year is unacceptable.

I think you should also have a conversation at a later time about how pushed out you feel that you are not part of her life with this bloke. It is extremely odd she wants to keep you separate after 5 years and is reason why she is trying to make you jump through hoops . I’m not surprised you’re a bit disappointed in how she’s handling it. I would wonder what’s she hiding or doesn’t want one or other of you to know.

I second the suggestion to approach university counselling service and to ask to be referred to freedom programme. Being in the middle of it, you don't fully appreciate the damaging effect of this situation on your life. You need to process it, in order to avoid further damage to your wellbeing and your future. You need to start building your confidence back and start loving yourself. You need to develop a kind, caring inrernal voice and you will need to work hard on becoming more assertive. There's a lot of healing to be done, but the good thing is, you're not alone, there are people who know this sort of dynamic inside out and help people to rebuild themselves after all the trauma that this has caused, and their approach works! You just need to invest time and effort into this.

It’s your mum’s account which she allows her boyfriend and you to use though? It’s not your account? A streaming account just allows you to watch programmes there’s nothing particularly personal about it?

This is much worse than the issue OP originally raised. The mum sounds awful

It doesn’t matter what the mother and boyfriend situation is , bottom line is the Op either puts up with her mothers shitty behaviour or decides enough is enough.

Well aren’t you a ray of sunshine 😂

OP, don’t listen to absolute tripe from dim people like this.

You contribute to the rent and bills. You’re studying full time (to better your education and career) you are your mothers child you have every right to be in that house.

It’s November, it’s freezing. Do not grab a sandwich and flask and go read a book outside for 7 hours.

I’m sorry but your mum wants to get a grip. 5 years and won’t introduce her partner to her daughter. Sounds dodgie as fuck.

I do think, given you've not met him that there is some lie she's told she is trying to cover up for some reason... (My mother used to lie about her age and tried to make out her children were either much younger, or her siblings!) Alternatively, she may be worried he'll find you more attractive than her. It's very hurtful, especially being cast aside for him at Christmas. Glad you've got your nan.

OP your doing fine you have a job , go to uni and your nearly finished , hopefully you get a job you like , then the world is your oyster as they say
Enjoy your dinner

Basic politeness requires that if you are blocking someone’s access to their home, so facilitate them being somewhere more comfortable to compensate. So if she wanted you out of the way she should have paid for you to stay in a hotel, and paid for some kind of entertainment so you weren’t just staring at the walls in a Premier Inn and trying to get the crap telly to work. If she won’t do this, you’d be entirely reasonable to say no thanks, that’s not going to happen.

But from what you’ve saying, this is only a symptom of the problem and you need to prioritise moving out.

How are you so short of money that you can't afford the cinema or a few hours in the pub?

How is that any of your business? There's very clearly other issues at play here and her mum's actions are odd to say the least and I imagine very hurtful for the OP.

I know, that's why I said it's probably a non issue but to me it just feels off. I can't put my finger on it

Hmmm, I wonder if your mum hadn't told her boyfriend she leaves you alone at Christmas to be with him? That might be why she hadn't introduced you because if he's half decent, he'll judge her like we are. 🤔

Sorry if I've missed anyones questions, I wasn't expecting so many replies

@healthadvice123 i disagree £75 a week really is nowhere near cost and the parent will have to top that up considerably. Student loan for living at home is a lot more than £75 a week. Student Halls are more than £75 a week.

How far away does your Nan live?

About 6 miles, so not far :)

Does she know what your mums like ?

I'm sorry your Mum is treating her Boyfriend as a priority and is so thoughtless.
After 5 years, it's very strange she hasn't introduced you to him.. especially as you're in your 20's and pay £300 to be turfed out with no notice( I have 3 DS's around your age) I can't imagine treating them like this
I think you should ask to "borrow £20" and deduct it from rent
YANBU

I’m feeling cross on your behalf OP.

This.
Very strange you’ve never met him in 5 years, that’s a long time. Do you know him ( as in does he live locally, where he lives and works etc..) Do you think he could be married?

I can’t believe your mum is spending Christmas with this man and leaving you alone. That speaks absolute volumes about how messed up her priorities are. Where do you spend Christmas Day? This kind of behaviour couple with absent dad is going to have a huge impact on you, OP, and suggests that at some point you might benefit from a bit of psychoanalytic therapy etc, just to unpack it all

I'm glad nan has come to the rescue. I have no other advice to offer, that hasn't been said. But your mum is acting very odd. Do you have siblings? xx

Posted before your update sorry
I'm glad your Nan is there for you and your Mum has sent you money
Enjoy dinner with your Nan

I wonder if you mention the streaming account because something else bothers you about your mum’s priorities. They’re al l off, that’s for sure!