To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

Mum's a bit cheeky trying to demand more money off OP, considering she's got a pretty good deal getting £300 of her every month. She'll have to pay the full amount on her own soon enough when OP moves out. I really doubt OP uses £300 of fuel and food just by herself each month.

I mean it is inconvenient yes, but lets be honest do you want to listen to your mum shagging, because that is what is going to be happening in the house tonight.

So lesser of 2 evils, go round a friends house for a few hours.

“I've tried to ask to see the bills before but it causes an argument so I've just left it. As for not telling my nan, she just says she wants to keep it private. The relationship between my mom and nan isn't toxic at all, my nan is the sweetest person ever.”

@OngoingCrisis your Nan may be the best person ever. But we all have worries about your mums behaviour. It’s your mums behaviour we have issue with.

It causes arguments when You ask to see bills…

it appears any time you query or challenge something your mum says or does - she flips it back on you so you are walking on eggshells and actively avoiding conversations that will anger her or cause conflict.

look at how she acted when you told her how you feel about being omitted from her life at Christmas etc.

this is controlling behaviour and not acceptable or normal. If this was a romantic/life partner I’d be advising you to leave.

i am advising you to talk to your gran and explain what is going on. Get out of your mums asap. If your gran can let you have a
month at hers so you can find a room to rent somewhere or a flat?

your mums behaviour is holding you back in so many ways and whilst this may be ‘normal to you’ it isn’t. It’s unhealthy and hampering you. I can’t imagine how depressing and anxious that would all make me.

squishes. Massive squishes. Please talk to your gran or someone in your life. Don’t spend Christmas alone.

This makes me feel very sad for you. Do you think, in order to raise your self esteem / resilience you might consider helping out at a charity serving disadvantaged / homeless folk Christmas dinners on Christmas Day?

If you join your local Nextdoor network, its a source of local information for you to access. You can questions of local people for whats going on round and about.
It would give you purpose, company and also to feel valued, take you out of your situation into a different environment.

I've always found also that putting yourself out there can lead to other opportunities in the future.
You never know, you might find a niche you enjoy enough to carry on into the future or meet likeminded people who become friends.💐

Morning OP, that's her guilty conscience!

Op's a student, so doesn't her mother still get the council tax discount?

Why do you only think so?

And did you ever ask your mother what she means by she thinks you should more out when you more “able to”?

This is a brilliant idea, thank you :) x

I've asked before what the money goes on and she said she doesn't spend it, just puts it to one side. When she's struggled with certain bills I've suggested she use the money I've given her and I just get met with a telling off, she's said things like "that's my money and I choose what to do with it". And "able to" as in financially

£600/month

your mum is taking the pi$$

While none of us know the exact expenses (depending on size of house), I think it is useful for you to get a better picture, OP.

Wifi isn't metered, usually, so no need to "cover your usage". Is wifi for a whole house, unlimited, ever more than £35-£40? We pay £26.

Someone said their gas+elec is almost £300 pm, this is very unusual, probably a huge house. Our monthly for a 3-bed terrace 2 people comes to around £180 in winter, much less in summer. Cooking, daily showers, heating, etc, though we are frugal.

Having one full-time student living in the house, in England, doesn't invalidate single-occupancy discount, so no extra council tax.

So I agree with HappyTraveller above.

Best to work hard and study hard the next 6 months, graduate, and become independent.

I've asked before what the money goes on and she said she doesn't spend it, just puts it to one side.

£300 a month including all bills and food.

It’s not cocker science what the money goes on 😐

rocket science! 😂

But she didn’t charge £600

Her daughter put her point across and the mother went with her daughters suggestion of half.

All food for a month? All bills? And rent.
this month £290 if we factor in the tenner the mothers transferred back to her yesterday?

it seems like a pretty good deal to me

How old is she? Does she work?

The mother was not fair to ask the daughter to head out for the entire evening at such short notice

but I don’t think the mother can be criticised for charging <£300 for rent, all bills and all food!!

It's bizarre you haven't met him after five years. I can understand why she might not want you home if it was a new relationship but this is odd.

Has she told you anything about him or given any reason she doesn't want you to meet? If it was my mum, I'd think there was something about him she was hiding (maybe someone she thinks I'd disapprove of, although I'd never stand in the way of a relationship with anyone who treats her well, even if I didn't like them). How does she see this ending? Will another 5 years pass and he remains a mystery? Another 30?!

Well she has a fair point then.

You can’t move out whatever you might want to do as you can’t afford it?

What was your relationship like with your mother at school and through teen years?

It was alright tbf. There are certain things I look back on and realise they weren't right but growing up, it wasn't too bad :)

I know. I read the comment.

It’s the audacity of her mother to ask for £600 in the first place and to argue with her own daughter about it.

As for £300 (or £290 🙄) - It’s not a good deal at all when you factor in that the OP is living with a bully!

£600 for all bills, rent and food, is not exactly criminal.

but after the op said “no”, the mum agreed to what the op was saying was reasonable. Not quite what I’d regard as… bullying

Date? They have been going out for 5 years. In the house means sex. Not really a date. A date is to go out somewhere. Missing the point, I know.
It's her house and you are grown up. I'm sure you can entertain yourself.

If she’s been going out with him for FIVE YEARS and not introduced you I’d say that’s really weird and quite upsetting. It’s bigger than just asking you to go out for night. Can you talk to your mum and say you’re happy to go out later big would love to meet him first? If it’s truly been one man for 5 years can’t think of any legit reason why you’ve not been introduced. Feel sorry for you - also people saying how can you not have enough money for cinema must live a very sheltered life!!! Could you take your study books and find a very quiet pub ? If you are in a corner with books people prob won’t bother you and you can ask bar staff to watch out for you? Good luck - sounds uncomfortable situation 🥺

It's your home! Of course you're not being unreasonable! I assume you help with bills and psy your way? If your mum is keeping this bloke secret, there's something amiss. Maybe you already know him... anyway, I would tell her you will go to your room and stay there, but you cannot be expected to roam the streets for seven hours. Then ask her straight to introduce you at some time that evening.