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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit inconvenienced

634 replies

OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 11:34

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

OP posts:
Skyway · 20/11/2022 23:46

You pay rent and she should not be asking you, a skint student to bugger off for
7 hours on a freezing cold November Sunday with literally 2 hours notice.

Only problem is she would pay more with all the other costs of living away, utilities etc, your mom knows this, it's quite terrible really.
What went wrong in her reasoning to become so unreasonable and lacking in empathy.
Dreadful behaviour from a mother, excluding you from her life.

BleuNoir · 21/11/2022 00:24

She’s a bully. She knows she can manipulate you just how she wishes, she plays on your desire for her love and acceptance. Keep going OP and your time for happiness will come 💯

and I can’t believe she calls you to allow you home. Not even allowed to come home at an agreed time. She’s awful!! So selfish.

twoandcooplease · 21/11/2022 00:59

Again, I'm just really sorry you have a terrible mum

Fwiw -
I do think you should tell your nan. Your loyalties shouldn't lie with your mum you need to find some strength and speak up for yourself to be emotionally supported. It's so sad you're going through this yourself xx

Sending lots of virtual hugs and hope you arrived home safely x

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/11/2022 09:14

5yrs and never met each other

thats weird

esp as she has met his 10yr

couse she doesn’t want you to leave. She likes your £300 a month !

she sounds awful as a mum. Sorry

to leave you alone at Xmas ans only happy families at his with his child

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 21/11/2022 11:24

Morning everyone, my mom is being extra affectionate today, not sure why

OP posts:
britneyisfree · 21/11/2022 11:25

I'm sorry to be childish but 🍆

Firecat84 · 21/11/2022 11:32

This is bizarre. I've been with my bf for 5 years and we have two kids together by now - still not being ready to introduce him suggests to me that she's ashamed of him because she knows he's no good. I'd have a serious conversation with her about that.

For ideas - maybe take a book to a cosy pub and snuggle down? Or you go and hang out at his place 😂

KettrickenSmiled · 21/11/2022 11:36

OngoingCrisis · 21/11/2022 11:24

Morning everyone, my mom is being extra affectionate today, not sure why

Got her own way so no need to make you walk on eggshells this morning.

Assuaging whatever small impulse to guilt she may feel.

Happy because she had a good time (let's draw a TMI veil over that) last night.

Gumreduction · 21/11/2022 11:40

Firecat84 · 21/11/2022 11:32

This is bizarre. I've been with my bf for 5 years and we have two kids together by now - still not being ready to introduce him suggests to me that she's ashamed of him because she knows he's no good. I'd have a serious conversation with her about that.

For ideas - maybe take a book to a cosy pub and snuggle down? Or you go and hang out at his place 😂

I keep going back to this point

os it not worth considering that she some reason she is ashamed or embarrassed to introduce the Op to her BF rather than the other way around

Gumreduction · 21/11/2022 11:41

Does the £300 a month include all food and bills? How often does she transfer money to you for petrol?

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 21/11/2022 11:50

Gumreduction · 21/11/2022 11:41

Does the £300 a month include all food and bills? How often does she transfer money to you for petrol?

well, my mom wanted me to pay half of the bills and we had many arguments over it. She said I should be contributing £600 and I had to keep saying how it's too much, which is why I pay £300. She's made it clear that £300 doesn't put a dent in the bills, doesn't cover my wifi usage or gas and electric. I pay for fuel and other car related stuff myself, I don't ask or expect for fuel money from her. I didn't ask for it yesterday either, she just sent it

OP posts:
Gumreduction · 21/11/2022 11:51

OngoingCrisis · 21/11/2022 11:50

well, my mom wanted me to pay half of the bills and we had many arguments over it. She said I should be contributing £600 and I had to keep saying how it's too much, which is why I pay £300. She's made it clear that £300 doesn't put a dent in the bills, doesn't cover my wifi usage or gas and electric. I pay for fuel and other car related stuff myself, I don't ask or expect for fuel money from her. I didn't ask for it yesterday either, she just sent it

Show quote history

So the £300 includes all bills and all food?

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 21/11/2022 11:55

Gumreduction · 21/11/2022 11:51

So the £300 includes all bills and all food?

Show quote history

I think so.

OP posts:
RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 21/11/2022 11:55

I feel so sorry for you, and I don't mean that in a patronising way.

Having to leave the house for 7 hours with short notice and not really having anywhere to go because your mom wants her boyfriend of 5 years to come over, spending Christmas alone but not really being able to tell anyone. It just isn't right.

By all means its her house and she's entitled to invite whoever she wants round, but there's something really weird about this.

I wonder what your moms boyfriend thinks of this?

Familydilemmas · 21/11/2022 12:05

My goodness. This is awful for you, I can’t believe your Mum has left you on your own for 2 Christmas’. She’s manipulating you knowing you have no where else to go. Please get some counselling and look into the freedom programme, this is an abusive relationship and it will put you in a better place for when you are able to move out.

You deserve so much better than this and once you’ve rode out these next 6 months I hope you get the world x

TheCatterall · 21/11/2022 12:36

OngoingCrisis · 21/11/2022 11:50

well, my mom wanted me to pay half of the bills and we had many arguments over it. She said I should be contributing £600 and I had to keep saying how it's too much, which is why I pay £300. She's made it clear that £300 doesn't put a dent in the bills, doesn't cover my wifi usage or gas and electric. I pay for fuel and other car related stuff myself, I don't ask or expect for fuel money from her. I didn't ask for it yesterday either, she just sent it

Show quote history

£300…

so WiFi - £45 max. We have the fastest package available as we do lots of work from home/streaming videos and heavy duty online live recording etc.

gas /electric contributing half is more than enough. - I wouldn’t be asking my child more than £100 for this during colder months. And it would drop from March onwards.

food. Price up your meals. Actually sit down and work out how much you eat and drink during a week. Don’t ask your mum. You do this for yourself.

I’d ask her to see the bills so you can learn to budget suitably when you leave home.

your mum is now love bombing you as she knows yesterday was a dick move. It’s to keep you sweet.

I’d tell her that yesterday wasn’t acceptable and whilst this is your home you won’t be doing that again.

can you answer us as to why she’s said your grandma can’t know she’s in a relationship? Is her relationship with her mother that toxic? Have you noticed that your mother’s relationships with others are a little off?

have you looked up the character traits of a narcissist?

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 21/11/2022 12:43

TheCatterall · 21/11/2022 12:36

£300…

so WiFi - £45 max. We have the fastest package available as we do lots of work from home/streaming videos and heavy duty online live recording etc.

gas /electric contributing half is more than enough. - I wouldn’t be asking my child more than £100 for this during colder months. And it would drop from March onwards.

food. Price up your meals. Actually sit down and work out how much you eat and drink during a week. Don’t ask your mum. You do this for yourself.

I’d ask her to see the bills so you can learn to budget suitably when you leave home.

your mum is now love bombing you as she knows yesterday was a dick move. It’s to keep you sweet.

I’d tell her that yesterday wasn’t acceptable and whilst this is your home you won’t be doing that again.

can you answer us as to why she’s said your grandma can’t know she’s in a relationship? Is her relationship with her mother that toxic? Have you noticed that your mother’s relationships with others are a little off?

have you looked up the character traits of a narcissist?

Show quote history

I've tried to ask to see the bills before but it causes an argument so I've just left it. As for not telling my nan, she just says she wants to keep it private. The relationship between my mom and nan isn't toxic at all, my nan is the sweetest person ever

OP posts:
MadelineUsher · 21/11/2022 12:49

As for not telling my nan, she just says she wants to keep it private.

No, she wants to keep it secret. It is very off/odd. My money's on off.

Gumreduction · 21/11/2022 12:59

OngoingCrisis · 21/11/2022 11:55

I think so.

Show quote history

TBH that’s a pretty sweet deal in a financial sense OP!

presumably you must be managing to save if your intention is to mode out next year?

how much did she transfer you yesterday for petrol?

peridito · 21/11/2022 12:59

I guess household bills would include council tax (and the mother would be entitled to a discount if living on her own I think so maybe thinks she's due recompense for that )water rates ,insurance .
Though if it's a purely financial transaction,as opposed to the loving home one would hope a mother could provide ,I think a lodger would be better .
Couldn't just order them out of the property for random 7 hour shifts though .

SleeplessInEngland · 21/11/2022 13:04

This thread is a bit drip-feedy but I'll take it at face value: You need to get out of there as soon as it's financially viable.

Booklover3 · 21/11/2022 13:09

Gumreduction · 21/11/2022 12:59

TBH that’s a pretty sweet deal in a financial sense OP!

presumably you must be managing to save if your intention is to mode out next year?

how much did she transfer you yesterday for petrol?

Show quote history

Pretty sure it was a tenner from what I read yesterday

Generalmanageroftheuniverse · 21/11/2022 13:10

SleeplessInEngland · 21/11/2022 13:04

This thread is a bit drip-feedy but I'll take it at face value: You need to get out of there as soon as it's financially viable.

How benevolent of you.

SleeplessInEngland · 21/11/2022 13:15

Generalmanageroftheuniverse · 21/11/2022 13:10

How benevolent of you.

Show quote history

Please, don't call me a hero.

Gumreduction · 21/11/2022 13:17

Booklover3 · 21/11/2022 13:09

Pretty sure it was a tenner from what I read yesterday

Show quote history

Just my gas and electricity bill was £290 this month!