To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

Couldn't agree more with this op. Mind yourself

Honestly OP I'm not surprised it's messing with your head. My first thought was that she is a manipulative, emotionally abusive bitch. I'd tell your nan. Wouldn't be keeping her dirty little secret, she isnt doing you any favours is she? So don't do her any.

There's a hardship fund at Uni for students lie you! Go speak to them and get yourself out asap!

Ok

So she is either worried that her partner may fancy you or
You may find out he is married or
That you may know him personally (unlikely as you've seen him at a distance) or
They need privacy as they are into some weird kinks (sorry about that)

Could you ask her why she is having reservations about meeting him, is she likely to tell you the truth ?

Seven hours is a long time at short notice in November to be turfed out.
It really is bizzarre.

Doesn't sound like she will change so just head towards independance through your education.

But you will remember this won't you op?
Some parents do not think of the future, older doesn't always mean wiser and the word 'parent' doesn't always mean unconditional love.

Take care, but something tells me this love affair of hers will never be open, apparent and permanent.

Sorry if already mentioned upthread but maybe the mother feels she needs to “hide” the new partner - eg married, a woman etc. OP have you checked them out on fb, Google etc if you have their name to check it is legit ?

I felt like I'd read my story from your op but as you've gone on I feel sooo bad for you and your situ is much worse and more advanced than mine was. And I know how I felt when I was being pushed aside for a boyfriend so can only imagine how you must feel. I'm so sorry xx

Yabu to only feel inconvenienced

I just want your man to know then give you a big big hug and let you know she's at least there for you even if your mother the witch isn't

OP, please don’t stop posting after today. Mumsnet can give you the advice and support that you so deserve and are clearly not getting from your own Mum.

Glad you found somewhere to go. For now, maybe try to think the best of her. She may be trying to protect you by not introducing you to her new boyfriend. Maybe he's not that nice.

What does this have anything to do with? Read the room fgs. Mumsnet is for anyone. Dad's, people without children, grandparents etc are all welcome here.

Hi,
Just read your thread and I'm pleased to hear that you have managed to sort something with your Nan.
I feel the while situation of not being introduced to your Mum's boyfriend after 5 years is extremely odd!!
I have a 20 year old and I wouldn't dream of leaving them out all that time.
I understand that she wants to be ready but 5 years is ample!
I can also understand why you are starting to build up resentment - I can imagine that you're feeling very much an outsider whilst your Mum, her bf and his child are like a little family unit and you're not included.
I cant believe you are left to it at Christmas!! I don't understand why you can't spend it altogether.
I would consider writing your Mum a letter and telling her how you're feeling about the situation.
Obviously trying to talk to her hasn't worked as she gets angry - to me that's because she goes on the defensive as she probably knows deep down that what she is doing isn't right.
If this is going to be her forever fella then it's really odd you are not being introduced at all.
Strange question, but has your Mum ever been jealous of you that you know of? Is she insecure? x

Thank you 💕

Hi everyone,
I've had a nice time at my nans. Waiting for my mum to call to say I can come home I am really sleepy though so not sure I can drive home but I didnt bring an overnight bag.

thanks for all the kind replies and support, really opened my eyes

I would be googling the name and doing every check on him.

Something is very off

I think if your dm gets upset at you asking to be introduced I would have to turn round and ask what is wrong with him if she doesn’t know after 5 years that he is ok to be introduced to the family then there is obviously something wrong with him or something wrong with her.
I would have to ask if she has made up so many lies that you being introduced to him is going to expose her fibs.
In which case is it a real relationship if all he knows about her are a pack of lies.

I would be waiting outside the house one day when he comes round and when he gets out of the car, pass him on the pathway and say hi, I’m xxxx’s daughter lovely to meet you, can’t stop, see you another time and go on your way.

If your mother gets angry I would want her to explain properly why after 5 years you did anything wrong.
Getting angry over this is weird. Too weird

Is your mother of sound mind?

Stay at your nan’s. You can manage without an overnight bag for one night and go home and wash and change in the morning.

OP I am sorry this is happening.
You sound lovely but it also sounds as if you are in an abusive relationship with your Mum. You keep saying things like “ I don’t want to rock the boat” , “she will be angry “ .. these are classical things people who are being abused say. It is not normal that your existence has been kept secret.
Please talk to somebody in real life.
Take care 💐

It made me really sad reading your post and you sound like a really lovely person. Personally I think its completely wrong you’ve been asked to leave as its your home too and how would your Mum feel if she was turfed out at short notice. Hope you had a nice meal with your Nan and good luck with getting your first home - it sounds like the bes option when its possible.

I’m going to be honest with you OP. Your mum appears to thinks she’s 18 and that you are a mate that she can just ask to disappear while she has a quick shag. You pay rent and she should not be asking you, a skint student to bugger off for 7
hours on a freezing cold November Sunday with literally 2 hours notice. You sound like the more mature person in this toxic relationship. Tell your Mum that you won’t forced out in the future and that if she wants a love nest she will either have to book a night away at a hotel or manage while you are in the house. The not meeting for 5 years is just bizarre, and to me this SCREAMS that she is insecure that he may find you attractive. Your mums a weirdo OP, but you sound like an amazing person who does not deserve this.

YANBU

Your DM definitely should have given you a lot more notice. You also pay a fair amount of rent considering you are a FT student and work PT. You are essentially a lodger. I’ve seen it’s gone 9pm so you can go back home now but maybe speak to her tomorrow about it? If I’d seen this earlier I’d have suggested that you say ‘no’ to your DM given the short notice as there is no where you can reasonably go for seven hours!

It’s also very weird that she has been seeing this partner for 5 years but you have never met them.

Hope you’re okay OP. It’s a shitty situation.

Hang on. She left you on your own at Christmas to spend time with this person? But won’t let you meet him?

If she is wealthy and can afford a brand new sports car then she doesn’t need all of the £300 from you, which is basically all your money! Especially when it leaves you without money for the petrol you need to get away from her. She is manipulative and controlling OP.

(Apologies for the drip feed of commments)

Being emotionally abused by one’s mother is a really hard thing to see, let alone face up to. It’s only years after I finally moved away from my mum (aged 19, after her boyfriend beat me up) that I realised how toxic that relationship was. I was lucky to be able to live with my Nan as I put myself through uni which helped but my confidence only grew after I left uni and qas able to live in my own space. Some people, even mums, can be incredibly selfish individuals and emotionally stunted (for want of a better word to encapsulate it all) and unable to be reasonable in their treatment/behaviour to others. (Including not wanting to spend Christmas with their daughter whilst they’re all alone - WTAF?!). When you do finally leave, you’ll look back and be annoyed at what you put up with!

The fact that you’re studying and trying to better your life is wonderful OP. And you WILL succeed. Of this I’m sure. Reading your posts and responses shows us, very clearly, how amazingly strong you are. Also, I have ADHD (only diagnosed late in life as an adult) and recognise so much of myself in your OP and replies. The willingness to be flexible, not rock the boat and be accommodating of others demands, even when unreasonable can very much be due to low self esteem that comes with years of “managing” life with the challenges of having undiagnosed ADHD.

I have a wonderful family of my own, a lovely house, a good career (although I still struggle with the trials and tribulations that ADHD brings!) and although I’m sad when I look at the closeness some of my friends have with their parents, I’m happy to know I’ll never treat my kids in the same way my mum treated meand that they will never feel isolated and unimportant to their mum like I did. You’ll get here too, I’m sure.

Best of luck with your course, OP. Stay strong. And don’t let people treat you less than you deserve. And fly high!!! 😘

This makes you feel uneasy as it actually goes against the policies of most streaming providers. Ordinarily only people in the same household can use these services so actually your mum (and they) are breaking the rules and if found out could have their services terminated.

You are an awful person

Pleased you had a nice time with your nan op.