To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

you can not be forced, “forbidden”, or even expected, to keep something secret that has a personal (detrimental) effect on you.

The Op has every right to talk to whoever she wants about being ejected from her own home at little notice for hours on end, and wanting to make alternate arrangements at Xmas, so she can have a Xmas with someone else, like everyone else who does have family or friends that can offer to have Xmas with them.

there’s a lot of words that could be used to describe someone who convinces another person to keep a secret that negatively impact the person being asked to keep that secret. At best it is so self absorbed and lacking empathy that the person doesn’t realise what she’s doing to the secret keeper. . At worst it’s somewhere between emotional blackmail, coercive control and maybe a dollop of gaslighting thrown in.

The Op is clearly a youngish student, not fully independent and experienced in life, and is struggling emotionally with the consequences of what the Mother is burdening her with. She needs help and support in talking through this, understanding what is reasonable for her mother to ask/demand of her, how to negotiate with her mum, and to have someone to listen to her expressing her feelings about her relationship with her mum . Right now there’s a young women reduced to tears and feeling rejected - there’s an incredibly powerful emotion and very damaging to mental health .

nope, mum lost any validity in demanding her daughter keep the bf secret when it started to negatively effect her own daughter. Tough , she should have realised that.

yep, it will probably cause a massive fallout. The Op could ask who she tells to keep the same secret..but it just becomes a stupid charade … but maybe the way to go until she graduates, gets a job and somewhere to live. For her to try to do that just now , in the run up to finals, is just not viable. She needs to be doing less PT work, not more , at this stage

That's not nice of your mum. Very hurtful. Is she generally weird?? Focus on your studies and get out as quickly as you can. And tell your mum you want to see the guy, confront her.

How many children do you have?

Many many many younger adults leave home at a younger age and are completely self-reliant- only on mumsnet is it totally outrageous for a mother to ask her adult daughter to go out for an evening/day.

So would it be ok for OP to also tell her mum to leave the house for 7 hours at short notice on a Sunday evening, so she can spend it alone with her boyfriend?

As it is OPs house too, she’s an adult and pays her share.

What about if you lived in a house share with other adults, would it be ok for them to ask you to leave for hours then too?

This isn’t about OP’s age.

This is about common decency and not being a dick.

If you wouldn’t ask your flat mate to leave for 7 hours on short notice because you want to place for just you and your boyfriend, then why is it ok to ask your child?

Because it’s easier to manipulate and control your child.
That is the only reason.

Oh @OngoingCrisis
I am stunned that your Mum left you, her dd, home alone at Christmas.
Mumsnet is such an eye opener for someone like me.
I'm glad you have your Nan.
I think you should tell her.
The situation you are in is so not normal.

Well written!

Have you googled his name?

Dear lovely OP. There have been some really helpful and kind responses, and others who just want to stick the boot in so please ignore those.

You sound like such a lovely person OP. Your mum sounds very damaged to be behaving the way she does towards you. You deserve to be her no 1, and I think the sooner you leave home and get some distance the better.

But please don't think you're destined for unhappiness or loneliness. Whilst it sounds like you need to be careful when picking a partner, there are some lovely people out there who will give you the love you need to heal and show you how you deserve to be treated. Your future isn't written in the stars, you are not screwed. Just be really careful and have a happily ever after.

My children are my absolute world, and I would be so proud of they turned out to be as kind and loyal as you sound. X

Because of who he is. Public figure, or just a local married man , someone well known to DD's family... or maybe the family are friends or colleagues of him or his wife. Or his other mistresses.

I know it sounds very odd , but could there be any chance that your mum is jealous of you and she doesn’t want her partner to meet or get to know you? Because 5 years is a very long time and it’s just not normal, there has to be some reason.

Why have you not met him yet? This is odd

I’m conflicted about this. Maybe the Mum wanted to cook her boyfriend dinner and spend some time with him in her own house as she’s quite entitled to. I don’t think it’s a big ask for a 24 year old equipped with a car to go out between 2pm until 9pm (which is not late) no matter what time of year it is. It’s not like the mum kicked her out for the whole night.

The OP is 24 and still at Uni assuming 25 when finished so obviously decided to go to Uni late rather than getting into a full time job, moving out and standing on her own feet. £300 wouldn’t get you a house share where I am. It’d be at least £600 and a HMO with 3/4 other people and we’re far outside London. That wouldn’t include food and streaming services either. OP can afford to run and bought a new car recently as a student.

The OP’s mum has met his young son and spends Fri-Mon with him so I highly doubt he’s married. Maybe there are reasons she wants to keep her private life private. It’s not the OPs business, she would have been an adult herself when they met. Perhaps she finds their relationship difficult and doesn’t want that to impact on her relationship with her boyfriend if he became a part of their family.

Is the boyfriend from another country or race, different background and she feels he won’t be accepted in the wider family?

She raised OP on her own by her account, is still housing her and supporting her continuing in her education, giving her money for petrol so she doesn’t sound all bad.

The Christmas thing is odd, but again if this started in lockdown when OP was 22, she was hardly a teenager left to fend for herself. I certainly couldn’t envisage leaving an adult child alone for Christmas but again we don’t know what has happened on previous Christmas’s when they spent them together.

The fact the OPs mum is keeping her relationship secret from her own mother (assuming she’s 40’s, 50’s) shows there’s some sort of dysfunctional family background on her side.

It's mean as mean can be. I'd be pretty disappointed if my 'date night' (ghastly phrase) involved telling someone go out so that I could have a takeaway and sit on the sofa.
I'd at least expect husband to have booked a restaurant or got theatre tickets.

I’m conflicted about this. Maybe the Mum wanted to cook her boyfriend dinner and spend some time with him in her own house as she’s quite entitled to. I don’t think it’s a big ask for a 24 year old equipped with a car to go out between 2pm until 9pm (which is not late) no matter what time of year it is. It’s not like the mum kicked her out for the whole night.

Ew. You and all the other idiots on this thread are absolutely heartless.

strange of your mum

is the guy aware that you exist??

and if she want you out for 7hours maybe she could pay you? fuel, cinema ticket etc??

You know his name, roughly where he lives and what field of work he's in.

Frankly that's enough info to track him down and find out far more about him, uncover whatever it is he wants kept secret from you and Mum's family.
Start with Linkedin; BT phone directory, FB accounts. Search the archives of local newspapers for his name +job. Try his name in google images+name of town.

@youcantry Thank you!

I'd be wondering is he someone you'd recognise so she's hiding him?
She's said you're lodger not child?

Move out love. Sorry but your mum kicking you out of your own home so she can have a shag because she doesn't want you to meet is weird as fuck. Utterly bizarre.

She's ashamed of someone I only hope it's him.

This is very normal and really shouldn’t make you feel… anything

It might be normal in many households, but I completely understand why this man and his son having access to their streaming accounts feels weird from OP's point of view. In 5 years she hasn't been allowed to meet this man, she's forbidden from talking to her own Nan about him, and has to clear out of the house before he arrives in case he catches a glimpse of her. He's a total stranger to her, it's not even clear if he knows OP exists, but every time she turns on the TV to watch Netflix she can see his name and his child's name. It's not unusual to share streaming accounts with your DP, or with extended family members, of course, but it's just another reminder to OP that this man is a big part of her DM's life, and she's being hidden from him for some reason.

Agree.

I think this would make most people feel unsettled.

Whatever about asking about some date in the future, on the very day in late November is just awful.

She's ashamed of someone I only hope it's him.

What a horrible thing to say @IDontWantToBeAPie

Presumably if you have a boyfriend and ring him back she has to bugger off out for the evening?

NO! of course not.

I would refuse point lack to go out if I wasn’t planning to go and stay in my bedroom but coming down for food and drink etc.

I would also be making plans to move out ASAP.

However long she takes to finally introduce you, be sure to return the favour for your future relationships.

I hope you had a good afternoon with your nan!