To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

Thanks for the all of the replies I'm really shocked. I had a cry in the car, feeling a bit fragile and exhausted. I've just arrived at my nans so looking forward to that. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed with the responses, uni work, low mood and trying to organise therapy. I'm also a bit stressed because of money, I had a car accident a few weeks ago so have had to get a new car and pay extra to put it on my insurance. I'm rambling now but this is how my brain is. I can't organise my thoughts to save my life

Oh op, this makes me so sad!
I cannot possibly see a situation where I would ever treat my dd the way your mum treats you. There is no way on earth I would ever let her spend Christmas on her own whilst I went off to my boyfriends! Definitely see if you can have Christmas Day with your nan so you aren't on your own again. So what if your mum gets mad at you for mentioning it, it's guilt due to a guilty conscience!

@Annoyingkidsmusic I don't usually rise to comments like yours but you are being unbelievably awful! I too bought my first house at 24 and my daughter is planning to do the same at the same age but she's lucky as she is living rent free with her dad and she has a good full time job so able to save a considerable amount. I was in the same position - very fortunate. Not everyone is in a position to do the same. Please have some understanding.

I'm rambling now but this is how my brain is. I can't organise my thoughts to save my life
Yeah you can. You write logically, & express yourself well.

See also, from PP:
You sound resourceful, thoughtful, self sufficient and resilient. Those qualities are excellent things to have.

Please explore any help & support your university can offer you in terms of student services - counselling, accommodation, even just somebody to talk to, someone you can unburden yourself to about your mum's weirdness & selfishness.

Your mum seems like she has a massive complex / is a bit desperate to keep that guy ans so wants either make herself look younger (having an older child an obstacle ofc) or not tied to family and prioritise him (and he has a young kid himself and does not give a fuck as for men it's easier anyways). Many women do this and it's sad how they cling onto the man they have as the cost of their own childre, hope your Mum will not live to regret this one day.

This doesn’t necessarily sound like additional needs to me, although quite typical in abusive situations especially those involving narcissists

She’s spent the last couple of Christmas Days with him and left her only child alone? I’d be pretty upset about that. I’d never do that to my daughter. It’s very strange that she isn’t ready to introduce you to him, but in not doing this feels perfectly comfortable to leave you alone at Xmas, I’m assuming spend time with him and his daughter together and ask to to leave your own house for 7 hours. Sorry OP, your mum isn’t treating you well here, I just don’t get her motivation for not introducing you after 5 years.

Perhaps Covid had something to do with you not meeting this man for a while, people had to bubble up and such like. So now your mum spends each weekend living with him and his son and you sort of stay home alone. Are you required to look after pets OP? Do you think your mum has compartmentalised her other life and you don't fit in with the other set up?

But the OP asked to move in with the nan

and the man said no more than a week

why? Valid question

This seems so messed up, why the heck would she hide someone for five years from you?! I’m downright refuse to go, or at least demand money to be kicked out, especially when you’re paying board!

I'm really sorry about the way your mother is treating you.

I still think you should tell your nan what has been going on because you're being manipulated and abused.

I too am wondering if he is married or she has told him she was a lot younger and didn't have any children.
Another part wonders if he's after her money.
Or some weird BDSM swinging thing that she needed you out of the house for.

I'm glad you're having dinner with your nan and that she is in your corner.

I’m not being awful- The point I’m making is less about buying houses and more about acting like an adult. The relationship OP has with her mother aside, it’s not a huge ask for her mother to want some privacy in the house that she owns from time to time.

My point is that a 20-ish year old should be resourceful enough & independent enough to find something to do for an evening- without having to post on mumsnet. Go for a drive and a nice walk round a shopping mall, stop off at McDonald’s for a coffee afterwards, meet a relative/friend for a hour or two on the way home. It does not have to be either difficult or expensive.

Many many many younger adults leave home at a younger age and are completely self-reliant- only on mumsnet is it totally outrageous for a mother to ask her adult daughter to go out for an evening/day.

You remind me of my younger self, OP. I grew up in a volatile home because of a sibling. The ‘walking on eggshells’, othe way you describe your fear of conflict, people-pleasing is very familiar to me, as I had to accommodate my older sibling’s rage and of course it eventually costs you in terms of self esteem and the ability to stand up for yourself - I was never taught any boundaries by my parents. You end up feeling powerless.

No wonder you feel the way you do - I suspect your uneasy feelings around the joint streaming account (which as others have pointed out, isn’t unusual) is because it somehow symbolises in your mind the enmeshed and unhealthy situation with your mother.

Please contact your Uni’s student support/counselling services and speak to them. From your posts it seems you have not had the easiest childhood or the best parenting. I wish you all the best.

It's not that easy to just move into a shared house/rented accommodation without a guarantor or 6 months rent up front.

It's a puzzler innit @Gumreduction

Do you think it could be in any way remotely connected with the fact that the nan doesn't want anybody else living with her, but is happy with a stay of a week?

Do you often feel the need to play inquisitor when people state their wishes & boundaries? Even by proxy, to an anonymous stranger's nan on a forum?

My point is that a 20-ish year old should be resourceful enough & independent enough to find something to do for an evenin

@Annoyingkidsmusic

key word “should”.

I get the sense from this thread that the OP doesn’t fit the more traditional image of someone in their early 20s and may need extra support that we aren’t privy to on this thread.

Ask for an extra shift at work?

@Rheia1983 thank you for sharing your experience with OP. Good to hear you've found happiness in a relationship

Sending you a squeezy hug OP. Xx

7 hours is ridiculous, OP. That's not a date 'night'.

Why doesn't she want you to meet each other? Surely if the relationship becomes serious you'll have to be around each other?

I understand her wanted some space/privacy, but kicking you out for 7 hours on a Sunday is quite cruel.

What would happen if you told her you've nowhere to go?

YANBU.

You are being awful.
OP is not being 'asked' to give her mother privacy, but is being forcibly turfed out for many hours at short notice, without money or anywhere to go. To refuse her mother's wishes or argue results in trouble and punishing behaviour from her mother; the mother who abandons her only child to a lonely Christmas.
Some people leave home in their early twenties (or before) you say? So what? What has that to do with OPs situation? She's still at home and bring treated badly.

And, as has been pointed out to you many times SHOPPING CENTRES AREN'T OPEN ON SUNDAY NIGHTS.

My point is that a 20-ish year old should be resourceful enough & independent enough to find something to do for an evening- without having to post on mumsnet. Go for a drive and a nice walk round a shopping mall, stop off at McDonald’s for a coffee afterwards, meet a relative/friend for a hour or two on the way home. It does not have to be either difficult or expensive.
And your ridiculous point has been debunked so many times by PP & OP herself on this thread that I wonder why you persist in making it @Annoyingkidsmusic
What shopping malls are available at 9pm? - OP has been banned from her house, at no notice, & her friends are not free to meet her.

I’m not being awful- The point I’m making is less about buying houses and more about acting like an adult.
I can't see where OP has acted like a child.
Her mother has certainly not acted like an adult.
What adult demands that their housemate exits the property, & kicks off with anger when asked why? What adult needs to conceal their adult DD from a b/f of 5 years?

Many many many younger adults leave home at a younger age and are completely self-reliant- only on mumsnet is it totally outrageous for a mother to ask her adult daughter to go out for an evening/day.
Illogical & ridiculous - or you are deliberately misinterpreting, for goading purposes.

If one of the adults in YOUR gaff ordered you out of it with no notice, on pain of being angry with you if you didn't immediatey fuck off without question - how would that make you feel?
This has got nothing dto do with self-reliance. With a mother like hers, I imagine OP has developed huge reserves of self-reliance. It's not OP's fault that she's skint, all her friends are out, & her mother is a callous selfish oddball.

What on earth do you get out of being nasty to this poor girl? Stop being dense. It's a Sunday, things close early and it also gets dark early. She tried to arrange something with friends but as she was only told this morning, no one was available. At any rate she has made plans with her grandmother. The real issue is that her mother is behaving in an extremely shady manner and there is clearly something more to the story on her mum's end. This is not normal behaviour for a middle aged woman, is it? Surely you can't think the mum is being reasonable here. Interesting that your child moved out at 16...

Also, what the heck is the mum up to that she needs to whole house empty for 7 hours? Swingers party? I'd be sorely tempted to show up midway through and see what on earth is going on.

My dd is 22, I would never treat her the way your mum treats you. You sound lovely!