To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

What a comprehension problem.

OP has said why all these things aren't possible today.
& I wasn't aware that being ejected from your own home without notice on pain of argumentative, eggshell-producing anger is a first world problem @FluffyPancake. I think that would be upsetting & disconcerting in any world.

Do you think that she's actually embarrassed that she's in a sexual relationship with someone who is not your dad? That she's an older woman with feelings? Or maybe she's concerned that you might be a rival - if the chap is a bit younger than her then it may not be inconceivable.

OP this makes me feel so heartbroken for you 😢 this is your mum and she's excluding you from what seems to be a very significant relationship and part of her life. It's definitely time for you to sit down and have a honest conversation with her. You said it hasn't gone well in the past so maybe write it all down and ask her not to interrupt until you've finished. If you had a significant partner for years and you didn't want her to know them it would be very worrying so she needs to explain her decisions more than she's not ready. If she's committed enough to meet his young child then surely an adult child who won't get attached etc is minor. Also she is having a detrimental effect on your mood and has you lying to the other important family members in your life which is not on. You might be an adult but she's still your parent and she expects you to be alone at Xmas to hide her relationship. It's time she was called on her behaviour

If asking your Nan if you could have Xmas at her house create an argument with your mother, can you not see how abnormal this is op?

Why only a week?

Jeeso, I can’t believe people are so harsh when their children are in early 20s. It’s their home too, I’d never expect my son who is 21 to be out all day for me to bring a man here and if I did I’d hope he could tell me if he has no where to go or no money! The fact you can’t OP is very telling. I also can’t believe you get left on Xmas day, that’s absolutely shocking! And also in Scotland parents are duty bound I’m sure to financially support their children in education until 25. Why the hell is she taking it £300 per month of a student. My son gives me a tenner a week.

OP what would’ve happened if you told your mum you had nowhere to go? I’m so sorry you are getting treated like this as you sound lovely and deserve more x

This is very normal and really shouldn’t make you feel… anything

Why haven’t you gone to you nan’s for previous christmases?

There's something really odd about this situation.

They've been together 5 years and yet

*OP has never met him
*None of OP's family know
*OP's mum happily leaves her to spend Christmas Day alone whilst faking to family that OP is with her which is just cruel.

OP's mum is either hiding something about this bloke or she's hiding something from him.

OP it sounds like your mum hasn't told him about you? It's all very very weird. I think you should insist on meeting him and whilst the request may be fair, I don't think it's fair to give you such little notice.

Hang in there OP! There is always hope and there is always a way. The path forward may not be easy or straightforward, but it is possible to overcome a shitty childhood and find your path to healthy relationships, most importantly, a healthy relationship with yourself.

Just so you know where I'm coming from: My mother left me as a child due to abuse by my psychotic, violent father. I grew up with my grandmother on my father's side. The side that felt it was fine to leave a 12 year old me alone with the father and a housekeeper for six months while my grandmother went travelling.

On my 13th birthday, my father had been put into psychiatric hospital (again) for attacking others and I was alone in my grandmother's house other than the housekeeper. So I baked my own birthday cake (that came out a rock because I didn't have baking powder).

As you may guess, my trust in others due to my upbringing was abysmal and I avoided relationships into my late 30s. But after (years of) therapy, I find myself in a relatioship with a lovely man.

Despite the trust issues, please know that it is possible to chart a path for oneself that is not burdened by the past. You sound like just the type of person who can do that! You sound resourceful, thoughtful, self sufficient and resilient. Those qualities are excellent things to have.

So glad you got to go to your grandma's OP.

I'm wondering if for some reason your mother hasn't told her man about you at all, claiming you're a lodger, not her daughter......
Otherwise why the secrecy and getting irate when you bring it up meeting him? A perfectly reasonable request.
Maybe he's a "bad boy" type or penniless who in public doesn't gell with her type of lifestyle....

Right now, it's pissing down and getting dark as well as freezing cold where I am. Your mother is heartless expecting you to piss off out of the house.

As for getting rid of your childhood photos and leaving you alone at Christmas, words fail me. My DS of early thirties has a standing invitation to spend Christmas with me.

Earlier suggestions of asking at your college about accommodation and counselling are good ones.

So quick to jump on OP with peremptory interrogations, so slow to RTFT.

OP is forbidden from metioning the mum's b/f existence & certainly the fact that mum goes to spend xmas with him. It would rather let the cat out of the bag to turn up solo & expect no questions, no?

Yes as their responses are so at odds with loving parents. There’s a couple of posters on here who would be vying for the most uncompassionate, obnoxious poster award. I pity their kids if they have them (they probably don’t). Who would think letting your own daughter spend Christmas alone so you can spend it with your 5 year secret boyfriend is ok?🤷‍♀️

@OngoingCrisis you realise that because today has been simple for mum, she will do this again?

You need to talk to her tomorrow, show her this thread if need be, to explain that the last minute notice is unreasonable. Being told to leave your home, that you pay a sizable chunk of your income on, for 7 hours is unreasonable. That no alternative being paid for for you to do is unreasonable.

Focus on just those things tomorrow. Talking Christmas and how weird the 5 year secret is will just distract from today's unreasonable behaviour from her. And she needs to understand that you will not be so accommodating of her unreasonable behaviour next time.

FluffyPancake · Today 14:33
What a first world problem. I’m sure you could find plenty to do in that time. Cinema, coffee out, meal, trip to library, walk around local beauty spot, trip to leisure centre, walk round the shopping centre, get a massage/facial/nails done. So much choice.

what a horrible first world reponse from @FluffyPancake The OP has no money, where I am the libaries are shut all day Sunday, the shopping centres are just open streets, and all the shops shut at 4. It will be dark in another hour, and quite likely to rain, Why the fuck should the poor OP have to sit in a cold car, or walk the streets in the dark for hours. Hugs for you OP, I have kids your age and cannot contemplate treating them like your mum is treating you, and it definitely doesn’t make you soft to not want to freeze in a cold stationary car after dark. Enjoy your meal at your nans.

If your mum is normally an otherwise loving parent, my mind would be jumping to all sorts of worrisome scenarios. Is she safe and not being abused, for one? How old is she and is she still fairly attractive? Is this man taking advantage of her for financial gain by getting her to do things she doesn’t want you to know about or exposed to? I realize this is real life and not television, but five years is an absurdly long time to have not introduced you to her DP.

I can’t believe your mum leaves you alone on Christmas Day! I’d be telling granny. And she’s making you get of the house, it’s very bizarre of her, not to mention cruel. I also can’t believe people on here suggesting places to go. Why should you go anywhere? It does sound like your mum will punish you if you don’t go, tho.

This is so strange. Why is she hiding him? She’s “not ready” to introduce you but leaves you alone while spending Christmas with him?

Five years is a long time to carry on a relationship and not introduce a partner to her family. Expecting you to be shoved out the door for seven hours while she uses the family home to entertain isn’t reasonable.

This

What the actual fuck???

Your DM sounds unbeliveably selfish. I'm so sorry OP. You've not had an easy life. At Xmas yes I'd mention to Granny that your DM is not available and you'd like to meet up.

Then I'd put my head down, keep working hard towards independence and move out of the home as soon as possible, maybe closer to where your Granny is.

Your DM sounds like she has serious issues. Very strange woman and you are not lucky to have had her as a Mum by the sounds of things.

what a bizarre situation. there has to be some reason for why the mother hasnt introduced this man after 5 years. is he married perhaps? very odd

Short notice for a Sunday. Yanbu to feel inconvenienced.

Yes, I would agree with them by the sounds of how you’re accepting being treated like this. Your mum sounds to be emotionally abusing you, and taking advantage of your vulnerabilities,

for those of you saying “first world problems’ you should be ashamed of yourselves. You may be strong, but if OP does have additional needs that makes her vulnerable then this really won’t help her emotional well being.

OP could you go see your GP and explain how your mum is making you feel at home? The walking on eggshells feeling, staying out of the way in your own home, maybe write a list of all the things you’ve not questioned put with hindsight seem strange, and take to him. Also look into ASD/ADHD and see if you can adapt a few techniques to help you deal with people taking advantage of you. Autism in girls is very easily missed, especially when academic, and the emotional side can be masked. Please don’t accept being treated like this, you do not deserve it, and please start questioning your mother, and politely but firmly standing up,to her, starting with staying in between 2-9, and being introduced to her 5 year long bf! Good luck OP

You have my upmost sympathy. Your mum's behaviour is appalling, including the rent situation. I'm glad you've got today sorted and have a lovely time with your Nan. Do you have any friends you could go to for Christmas? If I knew that any of my Children's friends, young adults like you, were going to be on their own for Christmas, they wouldn't be - they would be joining my family. We (my sister is hosting this year) even invite my ExH. I had one of my daughter's friends stay with us for a few weeks when she had a fallout with her mum at 17 and still at school. I hope you can get this Christmas sorted and please do talk to your Nan and your friends about the situation, your mum does not deserve you keeping her ridiculous secret. I'm sure your Nan and your friends would be supportive.
Please also ask your mum for her reasoning behind her weirdness around the boyfriend. It is very bizarre. If she gets angry, which seems to be her reason to get you to back off, maybe send her a text saying what you've said here. Surely a decent mum would be moved by such and would want to make her daughter feel better.