To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

Some people have said it sounds like I could have ADHD but I haven't been to a doctor or anything like that, just been getting on with things. I just try to avoud conflict as best as I can so there's no tension in the house

@healthadvice123 I did mention it a few weeks ago that I feel left out and she got angry and had a go at meand said I was making something out of nothing. I won't lie I felt very humiliated
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

She hides her b/f from her adult daughter, excludes you at xmas & throws you out of your own home for a man ... so sorry OP.

In another update you said you felt you had an ok relationship with your mum.
But I'm not so sure. I suspect it's not great at all, that she is domineering & controlling, but you are inured to it as it's all you've ever known so think it's normal. Nobody should be walking on eggshells around a relative in their home.

btw - that tenner she bunged you for fuel? - don't make the mistake of being grateful. You pay rent to live at home, & she has banned you from your home for a day. She owes you the tenner, plus whatever costs ... however, this isn;t to say you need to address that anywhere than in your own head. It's hardly worth a confrontation over, especially given the eggshells - she'd just steamroller you & tell you your feelings are All Wrong.

I'm glad you are working & nearing the end of your degree.
Freedom is in sight. Keep your head down & keep plodding toward it.

Thank you 💖

Have you claimed your grant? Could you move into halls?You couldfind a house share with other students using your grant and your part time work. have you considered this.Speak with student services ask.Good luck.

I expect she likes your £300 too OP.

I’m glad you are visiting your Nan. You shouldn’t be prioritising your mum’s right to a private life over your happiness and having Christmas with family. If you are prepared to put up with this, I am imagining there is a massive back story.

I would play Christmas smartly this year. If you ask your Nan if you could go over and eat lunch together, this will start a conversation. You won’t be divulging any confidences. If your Nan asks about your mum, you can just say you’re not sure but you want to spend it with her like you used to as you miss the time together. This will hopefully force your mother’s hand to explain herself. Worst case scenario, she lies and gets angry with you.

I think your mother like you at home for the money tbh. £300 is a lot of money for a student and if a pp is correct and you only get £75 loan a week, that’s all your money. Does your mother actually need it?

Thank you for your encouragement. I admit I feel manipulated at times. A few months ago we had an argument so she took all of the childhood photos of me down

Is she embarrassed of him? Doesn’t she want you to meet him?

Go and sit in McDonald's, Wetherspoons, Costa - she's in her 20s - not a child 🤷‍♀️

OP take the time to do some homework or get ahead 🤷‍♀️

Write Christmas cards, read anything - you're a fully grown adult ffs.

What a first world problem. I’m sure you could find plenty to do in that time. Cinema, coffee out, meal, trip to library, walk around local beauty spot, trip to leisure centre, walk round the shopping centre, get a massage/facial/nails done. So much choice.

Well done @billy1966 I was thinking the same thing -
OP, you can do this course online -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

& I urge you to make time for it. It will stand you in excellent stead when you leave home & start to navigate relationships with co-workers, housemates, dates etc.

I did think about this but don't want a fight. Also not sure if she does need it, she's pretty wealthy, has her own business, brand new sports car but tbh I don't know what the cost of bills come to so I can't say that she does or doesn't need it

I meant to add you should speak to the university to see what advice and assistance they can offer. Could you move into halls or shared accommodation?

You're an adult. Just say it's too short notice despite you trying to find places to go while so could she please give you more notice.

Why have you never met him? All a bit odd.

I admit I feel manipulated at times. A few months ago we had an argument so she took all of the childhood photos of me down

Ignore all of her emotional manipulation and make plans to move out ASAP. This is not a healthy situation at all. And not good for you.

That is disgusting and if she has this much money, imo financial abuse. She is supposed to top up your money not take, isn’t she? Please speak to student services.

😂 Only on Mumsnet.

The relationship sounds toxic and manipulative. I hope you have someone besides your nan who actually care about you. Good luck with your studies. I'd definitely be looking into share houses ASAP. Your posts are sad reading.

but my mum has made it clear that she wants me to stay home until I'm fully ready and able to move out

what does she mean? Presumably… you asked?

Has she always behaved this way OP? When you was a child also?

For 7 hours in the freezing cold?

Sorry but after 5 years I’d be demanding to meet him. This is not a new relationship & there is clearly something your mum knows you will disapprove of e.g. he married or a lot younger. She’s hiding something

if I was you next for he picks/ drops her off I’d walk out & introduce myself as daughter etc great to finally meet you, come I'm for a coffee etc. When is she going to be ready? 10 years 20? It’s ridiculous now & completely disrespectful to you as her daughter. Are you not an important part of her life? Why would she not want you to have a relationship with her new partner?

Something is very off here. Just say it’s too short notice you can go out for a few hours e.g. 4 but you’ll be home at X time. Gives her plenty of warning as it’s your home too. If she doesn’t have the decency to introduce you then you certainly don’t have to accommodate her social life

@FluffyPancake read the OP also what coffee shops are open at 7pm
And cinema costs money too
OP works pt and is a student and pays £300 rent plus other expenses so hasn't got cinema money
Also read all OP posts to maybe have a bit more understanding of the whole situation

Could it be op that it’s less about not wanting You to meet Him.

But more that she feels a bit embarrassed about you?

awful if she is, but could be a reason

If you can't be bothered to RTFT, at least the OPs posts. She has no money for the things you've mentioned; and where are those shopping centres that are open till 9pm on Sunday?

A beauty spot, alone and in the dark is probably not recommended for a lone female, either.