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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit inconvenienced

634 replies

OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 11:34

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

OP posts:
Glasscup · 20/11/2022 14:10

Annoyingkidsmusic · 20/11/2022 14:04

Abusive to not spend Christmas with her adult daughter?

Unkind, yes. Inconsiderate, yes. Selfish, yes. Downright weird, absolutely.

Abusive, no.

We really do not know the full dynamics of this mother-daughter relationship. There could be valid reasons for not being introduced.

Show quote history

Just thinking... You had a bf with a proper income (or else you did) and you could go to your bf presumably in such circumstances. You were probably massively helped to get a house and if not, were financially supported by having each other and earning a good salary early. What on earth would you know about being a poor single student paying through the nose for a room that she can't even stay in. You have no idea. Your personal circumstances are entirely irrelevant, I don't know why you mentioned them. And no you're not entitled to suddenly empty the house when you're accepting that much rent. Her mum is entitled to go somewhere else for private time.

Michellebops · 20/11/2022 14:10

It all seems a bit complicated.

Have you Facebook stalked him yet?
Maybe he is someone from her past that maybe your nan or others may disagree on.

Either way 5 years without even an introduction is unusual.

Enjoy your day with your Nan and maybe see if you can speed along the moving out process.

You shouldn't have to disappear for the day at short notice from the home you contribute, even if you're being given fuel money as a bribe

BellePeppa · 20/11/2022 14:12

Maybe he’s married and has some profile there (town councillor or something). I can’t think of a single reason otherwise why this has to be a secret for five years 🤷‍♀️

nova99 · 20/11/2022 14:13

FacebookPhotos · 20/11/2022 14:09

OP, I think you need to access counselling through the university if you can. Hopefully this (frankly toxic) set up will be short lived because you'll get a graduate job and move out asap. But you need to protect your mental health in the meantime.

I've never known anyone to ask their adult child to disappear for 7 hours so they can have a romantic afternoon (or for any other reason tbh). You are not at all unreasonable in this. Even with notice it would still be very unusual.

And ignore the sanctimonious twats bleating on about standing on their own 2 feet in their early 20s. I'm 38 and the only people I know who bought houses before 25ish had both a partner and significant parental help with a deposit.

Yes ignore the sanctimonious twats.

I would struggle to entertain myself and I'm in my 30's for 7 hours, out of my home where all my stuff is, at weird times, on a Sunday, with no planning, no money and no fuel. Maybe if I lived in London or something, but a bog standard town won't have a lot to do.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 20/11/2022 14:14

I'm a bit baffled by the "he's married" lot, can't lie. That doesn't even make sense.

Cowhen · 20/11/2022 14:15

Enjoy your time with your nan, OP. Glad you found something to do (though I'm sure looking at 'street art' in the dark for 7 hours was oh so tempting). Hang on there, and I hope all goes well once you complete your studies.

viques · 20/11/2022 14:16

OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 13:22

I will stay at home on christmas. I cook myself a meal and watch some shows to try and make it feel a bit nicer

Show quote history

What does your Nan and the mysterious “ my mums son” you slipped into the conversation do for Christmas?

Tonty · 20/11/2022 14:16

FlissyPaps · 20/11/2022 13:48

3 hours each way of looking at street art?🙄

Honestly just stop. Please.

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Grin Plus another 1hr (OP has to be away for 7hrs!) travelling on foot to said, 'hidden gems'.

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 14:17

PinkSyCo · 20/11/2022 14:10

I was thinking this earlier. OP seems such a people pleaser and is just far too accepting of the abysmal way she’s being treated. She doesn’t appear to have much of a relationship with her father either and I worry how all this will affect her self esteem and any future romantic relationships.

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This comment has made me tear up. I find romantic relationships really difficult and I find it very hard to trust people. I just feel like I'm screwed tbh and I dont want to be single forever

OP posts:
WickedStepmomNOT · 20/11/2022 14:17

OngoingCrisis · Today 13:22

I will stay at home on christmas. I cook myself a meal and watch some shows to try and make it feel a bit nicer

This is horrible! Does 'D'M get any food in for you? Leave you presents and treats? Why not go to your nan, invite your nan over, invite some friends over, or start tellinig your friends now your 'D'm has other plans for xmas and would they - your friends - like to do something with you over the holidays? Dont accept this second best - no third best - try to turn this awful situation into a positive one for yourself.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/11/2022 14:18

MRex · 20/11/2022 11:46

Occupying yourself for 7 hours isn't a lot, it's short notice but fair enough she wants some space. If you're living at home, then your financial predicament seems surprising. How are you so short of money that you can't afford the cinema or a few hours in the pub?

NEWSFLASH - millions of people are skint. Live from payday to payday.

& hours is a huge amount of time to kill when you have no spare cash for entertainment or fuel. And this is at short notice. It's very unfair of OP's mum. And her secrecy is weird - she's met her bloke's kid, why can her bloke not meet her kid?

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 14:18

Cowhen · 20/11/2022 14:15

Enjoy your time with your nan, OP. Glad you found something to do (though I'm sure looking at 'street art' in the dark for 7 hours was oh so tempting). Hang on there, and I hope all goes well once you complete your studies.

This made me laugh. Thank you :)

OP posts:
peridito · 20/11/2022 14:19

@OngoingCrisis another one here who wants to give you a hug .

No idea what is going on here - could there be a strict religious code that your mum doesn't want to be seen to break ? Jehovah Witness ?

You say I do feel a bit sad but there is a lot more to it than I have mentioned so there are obviously complications .And I wonder if your dad could be more supportive ?Or do you feel you can't tell him either ? Have you any siblings ? Could they help ?

Whatever ,massive hugs to you sweetheart .This isn't right ,your mum is bullying you .Not nice to be bullied ,to be bullied in your own home by the only other occupant who happens to be your mum is AWFUL.

Look after yourself ,you sound as though you are working really hard and doing well despite this awful situation .

Original poster
OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 14:20

peridito · 20/11/2022 14:19

@OngoingCrisis another one here who wants to give you a hug .

No idea what is going on here - could there be a strict religious code that your mum doesn't want to be seen to break ? Jehovah Witness ?

You say I do feel a bit sad but there is a lot more to it than I have mentioned so there are obviously complications .And I wonder if your dad could be more supportive ?Or do you feel you can't tell him either ? Have you any siblings ? Could they help ?

Whatever ,massive hugs to you sweetheart .This isn't right ,your mum is bullying you .Not nice to be bullied ,to be bullied in your own home by the only other occupant who happens to be your mum is AWFUL.

Look after yourself ,you sound as though you are working really hard and doing well despite this awful situation .

Thank you :)

I don't feel like I can talk to my dad about anything as we aren't close at all (left when I was 7). I have a half sister from my dad but she is only a teen so it wouldn't be right or fair to talk to her. We aren't close either due to distance

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 20/11/2022 14:21

OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 11:57

For those asking, yes he is male. I've seen him outside of our house to pick my mum up. I've asked a couple of times about introducing but she just says she's not ready. She's spent the last couple of christmases with him whilst I stay home and I do feel a bit of resentment building up

Jeeze OP she doesn't exactly prioritise you does she?
Did she actually leave you Home Alone on xmas day so she could go & play happy families with Mr I Cannot Introduce You?

You are working, studying & paying your way.
She is out of line, ordering you out of your own home with zero notice.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/11/2022 14:22

There's a very strange dynamic here. You either live in the house (and can be there any time) or you doing. Getting your kids to leave their home at no notice so you can have a booty call is quite toxic, as is leaving them alone of christmas day.

I think you need your own place where you are secure, because your mum doesn't seem able to offer you that.

ladydoe · 20/11/2022 14:22

Sounds to my like maybe your mum has not told her new partner about you… very weird !!!

magratvonlipwig · 20/11/2022 14:22

I think shes being unreasonable, youre not.
A bit of notice would have made it better, or even not on a dead and dull sunday.

We have had similar situations ( im the mum in her 50s), i introduced my fella after a few weeks, and the first time we "went to bed" here i made sure my adult son was already out for the evening, but warned him we would be here when he got home.

And its all fine. They even get along quite well and its much better than trying to juggle avoiding people.
I feel for you,and it isnt unreasonable for them to pay for you to get a cinema ticket and a burger !

MoanaMadness · 20/11/2022 14:22

OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 12:27

Just to update: my nan has replied and said she'll cook us dinner. I'll go to the shops before they close and then will drive down. I can't lie, I do feel a bit sad but there is a lot more to it than I have mentioned

Can I ask, do have have additional needs? Autistic, adhd or suchlike? You seem very vulnerable in how you’re a grown woman putting up with everything you have said on here. You’re lying £300 to your mum to live there, there’s no reason to calmly say, no, you’ve no plans to go out today, you’re studying, or such, and that if she’d like to introduce you to her 5 year long bf, then you’ll carry on about your day, studying in your room. It really is that simple, if neurotypical.

WipeYourFeet · 20/11/2022 14:23

That's terrible OP.
Your mum as forged herself this new life with this man and his son. They spend birthdays, holidays and Christmases together. They share the streaming accounts and probably other things you've not mentioned like "family" days out. And you are not part of this blended family unit. You are effectively an outsider. Of course you're feeling off about it. It's not normal. Not after five years. And to leave you on your own at Christmas and not allow you spend it with other family because they can't be told what's going on is APPALLING.

Your mother is hiding you from this man for some reason and lying too. I'm sure he'd be appalled too if he knew you were on your own for Christmas.

Please, tell your nan. Your mother is being cruel to you leaving you out and not letting you be happy with your Nan and other family.

peridito · 20/11/2022 14:23

And OP ,you're not screwed .You have shown so much strength in working part time ,finding the £300 per month ,studying and surviving in what must be an incredibly undermining situation .
You will blossom ,your confidence will grow and you will find someone who sees your true value and inner depths .

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/11/2022 14:25

There could be valid reasons for not being introduced

Such as? this isn't a couple of months, it's FIVE YEARS.

PinkSyCo · 20/11/2022 14:25

OngoingCrisis · 20/11/2022 14:17

This comment has made me tear up. I find romantic relationships really difficult and I find it very hard to trust people. I just feel like I'm screwed tbh and I dont want to be single forever

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Aww OP you’re not screwed. You’re still so young but you must understand that the way your mum is treating you is wrong and, easier said than done I know, but I would advice you to move out asap before she does any more damage to your self esteem. Talk ti your nan, or do you have any other trusted family member? Don’t worry about what your mum thinks. YOU matter OP xx

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/11/2022 14:26

Bad enough to have to prop baby boomers up endlessly, worse when they're sanctimonious about it

At the risk of derailing - ODFOD.

Sitdownnigel · 20/11/2022 14:28

It sounds like a really strange situation. Choosing her partner over you for Xmas is so sad and asking you to effectively get out of the way so that she can see him tonight is equally sad.
Do you not get on OP? I think we maybe geez to know more if the back story to give a considered opinion. But in the meantime, I hope you have a nice time with your nan.