To feel a bit inconvenienced

[OngoingCrisis]

For a little bit of background, I'm early(ish) 20's, still living in my childhood home, just me and my mum.

My mum has been seeing someone for just under 5 years but has not introduced us to eachother, but she has met his child, so everything is kept relatively private, I won't lie, I do feel left out, but back to the main point.

She had told me this morning that she wants to invite him to our house so they can have a date night and she'd like me out of the house from 2-9pm. Now, this wouldn't have been an issue if she has told me earlier this week, as I could have made plans to go somewhere, but now I'm stuck trying to find somewhere to go and stay for 7 hours. I've contacted friends to see if they are available but no response yet and I'm running out of ideas.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Do I just sit in my car the entire time? Dad has been in and out of my life since I was a young kid so I don't feel comfortable going to him. Tbh I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but would like some perspective please

AIBU to feel a bit inconvenienced?

Don’t forget to ‘accidentally’ let slip what mummy dearest is up to this afternoon will you?

What so her grandmother can pass judgement on that? How odd. I don't think game-playing by 'accidentally' stirring is going to help the situation is it?

It's not what she's "up to", it's the manner in which she's gone about it specifically (today and over the past 5 years). A middle-aged mother who has an adult child living at home is definitely entitled to have a partner, have private time with them in the home she owns, have sex, and even to keep their identity a secret if she wants. If OP wants to talk to Grandma about the 'manner', fine. But either of them judging what she is actually doing between 2pm & 9pm? No.

You say no one else knows about the relationship, so you spend Christmas alone so the rest of the family think you’re having a lovely day with your mum.
How did this situation come about? Did she specifically say/ask you not to mention the relationship to anyone else as she’s not ready, just like she’s not ready for you to meet him?
AFTER 5 YEARS‽
When you say you’ve seen him pick her up, have you seen him like full on and know he wasn’t an ex of yours, another family members or a friends dad or something?

@PinkSyCo the worrying thing is some people seem to think its ok and may have children
My home will always be my kids no matter what age , when , what is going on in my life etc
I am always mum and thats prob why my kids will still be visiting me when im old and need help and others will be sitting at home feeling sorry themselves
The whole thing is weird , not introducing him and keeping it all a secret so OP has to spend xmas on her own etc

it came about it lockdown. Couldn't go to my nans for xmas as we were told to stay home that year (I wasn't driving then either) and since then it's just carried on. Also bot seen him fully, just seen a glipmse of his face in his car when I've looked out the window

And they seem to miss the point that the OP is paying £300 per month for the pleasure of living with her mother… who doesn’t want her to move out but is treating her appallingly.

I won't be telling my nan as I said, it's not my place to and I don't want to rock the boat

@LadyMarmaladeAtkins I think OP has every right to tell the gran that her mum has gone elsewhere last couple xmas and she has been left alone so could she please come their this year
She doesn't have to say where just doesn't know and let gran do the asking , she can also so I had to leave as mum is meeting someone , but actually if OP wants to say I think its her boyfriend she can as well as its the truth its not a lie is it ?
Its 5 years not 5 months and asking people to keep a secret that is detrimental to you isn't fair either

Can you not do a house or flat share so you don’t have to pay so much in rent? I don’t like the ‘has made it clear you can’t move out yet’ that’s a very odd thing for a twenty something to have to comply to. Personally if I were you I couldn’t get out quick enough.

How often does she see him OP? Does she seem happy with him?

I don’t think it’s fair that OP has had to watch what she says for the past five years in order to keep her mother’s secret, so think today would be an ideal time to tell her. If OP were my grandaughter I would be devastated to learn that she was spending Christmases alone due to her mum’s weird behaviour, and would make sure she knew she was welcome to spend Christmas with me.

@birder she sees him every weekend friday-monday

When I wrote that "she made it clear" I meant it as in a "she likes having me at home so I don't have to go yet" sort of way, apologies for confusion

Do you even know his name?

Surprisingly, yes

The whole thing is bizarre.

A parent asking for a few hours privacy is pretty normal, but then there's all the rest!

Not met him or even spoke to him in 5 years.
You haven't even seen him so I assume you haven't seen pics and don't know his name to look him up on socials.

You need to leave the house for 7 HOURS. What kind of epic date is that? I mean realistically, what is the mother and this man doing for 7 hours, and don't say shagging, there's no way.

You spend Xmas alone at the expense of a man and his family you have never met. Your own family doesn't know about this relationship either. Leaving your child alone on Xmas is pretty heartless, no matter how old they are!
Unless it was specifically requested, I don't know anyone who would leave a family member alone on Xmas day, let alone a child.

Abusive to not spend Christmas with her adult daughter?

Unkind, yes. Inconsiderate, yes. Selfish, yes. Downright weird, absolutely.

Abusive, no.

We really do not know the full dynamics of this mother-daughter relationship. There could be valid reasons for not being introduced.

From all you've said about your mum's response to your having thoughts and feelings of your own and her readiness to take your money, I'll wager your mum has strong narcissistic tendencies and you got into an abusive relationship before because your boundaries are all over the place.

Please don't spend another Christmas alone. I can't fathom how your mum could be enjoying the day knowing you are forced to be alone just to keep her secrets. Which are odd secrets to have. She's probably manipulating him in some way and you would spoil the game.

If this turning you out of a house you're renting a room in continues, I think it's crossed into abusive.

It's a pity you weren't able to live with friends as a student. You need to get away from this. I'd spend the day thinking about what you like to do and where you could go to build a new life.

Just seen the update about knowing his name, I'd absolutely have to do some digging if it were me, the curiosity would get the better of me 🤣

What does your man do for Christmas? Why not invite her over for Christmas Day? You are free to have any kind of relationship with whoever you chose - your mother has made her plans so you need to make ours. So what if you have to explain her absence?

MN is full of people who despise their kids, especially once they reach 18, oh and their husbands too - it’s a competition to see which they despise the most 😁 This thread is particularly strange because no one knows about this man, including the op, even after five years - that is plain odd.

Is he a woman?

if I hang about it will cause an argument

Why though?

Just tell her you’re staying to say hi and if she gets shitty ask her what the problem is and why you can’t say hi.

Stop being such a push over.
Yes you live in ‘her’ house but you pay rent which she probably couldn’t afford without you and you are an adult so you need to start being treated like one.

I’m wondering if she’s just a control freak which is why she doesn’t want you to meet and have a relationship with him and why she doesn’t want you moving out.

We really do not know the full dynamics of this mother-daughter relationship. There could be valid reasons for not being introduced

Such as?
Why would anyone need a secret relationship, where both parties are single and free?

We don't know the other side, but that's true of any AIBU quandary. We can only give advice on the info we have.

OP, I think you need to access counselling through the university if you can. Hopefully this (frankly toxic) set up will be short lived because you'll get a graduate job and move out asap. But you need to protect your mental health in the meantime.

I've never known anyone to ask their adult child to disappear for 7 hours so they can have a romantic afternoon (or for any other reason tbh). You are not at all unreasonable in this. Even with notice it would still be very unusual.

And ignore the sanctimonious twats bleating on about standing on their own 2 feet in their early 20s. I'm 38 and the only people I know who bought houses before 25ish had both a partner and significant parental help with a deposit.

I was thinking this earlier. OP seems such a people pleaser and is just far too accepting of the abysmal way she’s being treated. She doesn’t appear to have much of a relationship with her father either and I worry how all this will affect her self esteem and any future romantic relationships.