Grandparents and Christmas

[AutumnFox]

I think my MIL goes OTT at Christmas with my DD. She’s her only grandchild but she shops for her as if she’s her child. I appreciate it and it’s lovely of her but I worry that DD will grow up getting used to these piles of presents and if MIL gets other grandchildren she won’t be able to carry it on. She spends more on DD than I do!

for example this year so far she’s bought her books, pyjamas, slippers, games, multiple toys etc - DD is only 2!

AIBU to suggest that she maybe tone it down a bit? She messaged me this morning saying she’s back out today to get more stuff.

How much do grandparents normally get their grandkids for Christmas?

Get your DH to have a chat with MIL and tell her it's too much stuff. Any big gifts think mahoosive pink princess castle with moat and drawbridge that won't fit at yours stay at hers and don't arrive at your house.
Maybe he could suggest a smaller gift list and if she wanted to she could open a savings acc for DD?

She must be really proud and enjoying getting the gifts. Let her keep on with this (if she can afford it comfortably) but say that you understand she might need to reduce the spending or spread the costs out in the future. Let her enjoy this special time.

Ah my husbands parents were like this. Drove me mad! They would turn up with literally massive sacks of presents for them. Often bigger presents than we had for them. The kids were so overwhelmed they would get bored with opening them. We asked them to tone it down a bit but it hasn't happened yet!

At Christmas, they would give one present. That seems obvious to me. Why would they give more than one?

Sounds way OTT. My DC gets one gift from grandparent per birthday/holiday. I would have a word and say it's so kind of her, but if she wants to spend more you would prefer some help round the year, for example with clothes/shoes etc.

My parents aren't as well off as my in laws, they buy just 1 present for around £30 and maybe a silly bit of something for not very much. It feels about right on both sides (we have 3). My in laws on the other hand buy huge oversized expensive gifts and will do similar spending more than us. The only thing that bothers me really is the fact they won't take instructions about what to buy, they will buy huge things without consulting us, when I've said no huge things. One year it was a huge playhouse for the garden, our garden isn't that big and already has a 12ft trampoline, the house would have taken over the patio where we sit!!! I actually made them return it as it just wouldn't fit in the garden. They've done the same since with other gifts (i said space was a premium in the house, they bought a 4ft wooden connect 4 that doesnt dismantle, my kids already have travel conmect 4, it fits in your palm 🤣. I expect they will buy something just as ridiculous this year, I will donate things now, we just don't have space for oversized shit. They can afford it so in their case they will carry this on forever more even if more kids come along.

I'd have a word if you aren't comfortable, it doesn't matter too much this year she's still only little, maybe next year before she starts to shop?

My parents go mental. I hated it at first, but now they're older I tell the kids to ask their Nan for anything expensive 🤣
In all honesty it took a few gentle conversations and to physically show her their rooms, that they didnt need more 'stuff' and she now asks for my opinion on what she's buying. They've started to take the kids on experience type treats now they're getting older - taking them to places of interest on day trips.
I'm an only child, so mine are their only grandchildren. They have plenty of disposable income and it wasn't worth falling out over as they help with school run and holiday time. A bit of gentle guidance on appropriate gifts made it more tolerable.

Have a word and suggest some money goes in LOs bank account.

I think sometimes the multiple presents thing from GPs especially clothes is a throw back to being a mum who was hard up for cash. Who now has a bit more disposable income enjoys shopping, and sees it as saving the parents money.

Maximum of £50 spent on each. One has got a second hand item. They have a ridiculous amount of toys already and we know the other GM has spent about £500. Mad.

My parents were great. One or two small presents, maybe a book or two. Only sweets that had been approved. Instead they kindly paid for all school uniform and all shoes, as well as some school trips. They were generous with days out, including ice creams and a visit to the gift shop etc. They paid money into the DCs accounts too.

Far better than piles of presents which wouldn't have been played with.

Is that one present and then lots of stocking fillers that don’t count as present 😂

She won't be around forever, let her spoil her GC.

You can put some bits in the attic and bring a few bits down every few months or something.

@AutumnFox I've had a chat with my MIL as my DD will be 16 months and she's always trying to out do me in terms of gifts. So I told her we're doing the "four gifts rule"

1. Gift DD needs
2. Gift DD wants
3. Gift DD can read
4. Gift DD can share

So told her between her and my BIL they can choose from that list and give DD only a max of 4 gifts 🎁

Stocking fillers don’t count as presents. If it’s a toothbrush, some socks, some sweets, no, I wouldn’t count those. That’s my level for stocking fillers.

If on the other hand, your “stocking fillers” are expensive games, Lego sets, mobile phones, Chanel lipstick, they definitely would count as presents.

Grandparents don’t give stockings, though.

Absoloutely tell her.
Ive told my Dp and IL.
My Dm was the worst, so I tell her from September with reminders each month- please dont get Dc toys as they really dont need them but would love a voucher for an outing somewhere ( A few vouchers to local soft play or attraction is great!) maybe add perhaps a book to open too if want.
Then, If she doesnt listen, You only let DD open 1-2 gifts off her and suggest she saves the rest to be split for bday and xmas next year.
Just keep repeating- I had too!
it was really annoying and I felt undermimed and that the value in thought and money we had given, wasnt enough in comparrison.

You have to put your foot down

I feel your pain: my mother in law used to send DH back from her house with large suitcases full of stuff for each child. She is a shopaholic and often much of the stuff was NWT from charity shops but the wrong season eg cotton shorts in December plus multiple cheap books/craft kits/toys. It was exasperating but unstoppable

One gift I absolutely insisted on it as it got ridiculous and wasteful.

Absolutely tons. We’re talking bin bags full of stuff.

How awful for you, my dd has no grandparents so enjoy it while you can.

My mum does this. I'm afraid talking to her has not helped 😆 she does a stocking for each and buys gifts she thinks I'm too mean to get!!!

What did work was telling her anything to big for our house would be going back to hers for them to play with. We still get too much but none of the ridiculous size stuff (inflatable motorbike one year)

My ILs were also very much like this and I hated the thought of the DC growing up with these expectations of piles of toys and no need to take care of what they had because there was always more.
Ultimately it’s their money though and hard to tell them they can’t spend it.
We got around it by asking them to contribute towards a pass for a local attraction which in the end they decided to pay for fully.
It is much nicer this way as we don’t have piles of tat that the children don’t really care about and ILs often join us on days out at the attraction (and often treat the kids to something from the cafe or an ice cream).

My DCs get treated differently to the grandparents first born grandchild. First born grandchild receives iPads and latest tech from grandma, my 1 DC gets given around £10 worth of stuff, and my other one has £1 spent on them with the price tag still attached! You should count yourself lucky at the moment, it might get more complicated in the future!

I buy dgs whatever I want to buy him tbh, dd doesn't have a problem with it. I'm mindful of how much space dd has and what she wouldn't want him to have but other than that I choose. I do generally add to the toys he already has so more playmobil or duplo and he likes board games so I buy those as well. I try to make sure whatever I buy dgs doesn't make extra work for dd though so no slime or kinetic sand and that helps. It's such a short window of time when toys are really appreciated so the days of piles of toys will be shortlived and replaced by video games so I'd try not to stress.

This.

Also direct what she buys a bit so it doesn’t end up as landfill - one big thing eg a bike when your daughter is ready, might be better than lots of junk. Suggest your husband adds an environmental point.