Grandparents and Christmas

[AutumnFox]

I think my MIL goes OTT at Christmas with my DD. She’s her only grandchild but she shops for her as if she’s her child. I appreciate it and it’s lovely of her but I worry that DD will grow up getting used to these piles of presents and if MIL gets other grandchildren she won’t be able to carry it on. She spends more on DD than I do!

for example this year so far she’s bought her books, pyjamas, slippers, games, multiple toys etc - DD is only 2!

AIBU to suggest that she maybe tone it down a bit? She messaged me this morning saying she’s back out today to get more stuff.

How much do grandparents normally get their grandkids for Christmas?

It really doesn’t seem like an unreasonable amount from what you’ve listed and I think she sounds a lovely grandmother.

I give a list of suggestions to all family members who ask and ask them to let me know what they go for so we don’t duplicate gifts.
I don’t see it as a competition though. I’m quite happy for them to spend more on presents for the kids than we do! I don’t think we spend that much on our kids compared to other parents because they have a big family and gets loads overall and it’s an expensive time of year as it is. We do buy bits for them through the year though.

You could have some conversations with family members about memories being more important than things and suggest passes to local attractions or taking them on a day out. I’ve also said we’re open to second hand things (for financial as well as environmental reasons) but some people don’t like to do that.

Our culture is driven by people/ companies manipulating us into buying things all the time, so it’s no surprise that the drive to buy is so big and that some people get lost in it. We all know that Christmas isn’t about the ‘stuff’ but it does tend to take over.

Well quite, but it's maybe a reminder to get a bit of perspective on things. Not everything has to be "an issue".

Be grateful and enjoy it whilst it lasts! Don’t take this the wrong way but she may lose a tiny bit of interest in buying your DD so much as she gets older (& more expensive!)

My DM has bought barely anything for my DD. She’s fabulous with her, don’t get me wrong. Loves & adores her and they have a bond etc but she’s only bought small things for her and won’t take her out anywhere

YANBU. My parents are like this but this year I’ve said they have to tone it down massively. We’ve said max 1 toy each and no more than £50. They’ve still bought a fancy dress costume, clothes and books each (DC are 5 and 2. But they were doing a sack of presents each before so it’s not as bad.

It was getting too much when DC we’re getting those plus £50 in presents each from in-laws plus 5 aunts and uncles and presents from family friends and then presents from us. My mom actually said ‘well you just need to stop buying as much then’. Er no, they’re my children and we do the presents as from Santa, so I’m not having them disappointed Christmas morning just so she can get her fun the next day. She used to spend over £300 each per me and my siblings on Christmas Day so it’s not as if she couldn’t do it before hasn’t had her ‘turn’. She just wants to be their favourite and thinks presents are the way to do that.

Both sets of grandparents are like this with DDs. We compensate by buying less (often the practical things) and saving our money for extra curricular stuff and trips.

It naturly calmed as they got older as Lego sets and proper bikes are more expensive than toddler toys and scooters.

@slashlover my dd would love nothing more than
'Huge sacks of presents' I can't believe people are moaning on here about there parents buying loads for their kids, just be bloody grateful ffs. I'd give anything for my dd to have grandparents full stop.

🤦‍♀️ how difficult is it to understand that not everyone is the same as you?

That sounds similar to what I used to receive from my grandparents ( both sets)when I was little… I don’t really see the problem. I had a sibling and cousins, too.
My 3 used to get similar from both sets of grand parents, too. It’s up to them how they spend their money!!!

People are allowed to be annoyed about their children getting too much stuff for Christmas. It takes up room, it can overwhelm the child, it's wasteful.

I grew up without grandparents, and we are the type of family where you didn't get birthday/Christmas presents from aunts and uncles either (unless it was a big birthday). It doesn't mean I think they have to be bloody grateful for huge sacks of unwanted presents.

I think it's fine, lifes too short. As long as it's age appropriate etc then let her crack on.

My MIL is like this too, despite years of asking her to tone it down. We also got “well maybe you could just buy less” line which made me so angry tbh.

My kids are still fairly young so get fed up if they have too much to open which leads to her getting annoyed that they’re being ungrateful. She doesn’t even put much thought into what she gets, often they open things and she’s surprised as doesn’t remember buying it! It’s just buying for the sake of buying.

It honestly takes some of the joy out of Christmas morning for us and we have to try to keep the kids (and our) enthusiasm up as they open everything or she’s in a huff for the rest of the day 🤦‍♀️

Ask them to perhaps buy experiences rather than gifts so they can spend time with DD instead of just giving her 'stuff'. My parents took the Grandchildren to Peppa Pig World, Harry Potter studios etc.. instead of gifts.

Maybe you need to get some perspective that there are other issues than yours.
I've had to really tell the GPs odd and state that I don't give a shit how many gifts they buy one can stay in our house the rest will be going back with them
I'm not living in clutter to fulfill some wish they have.

One present each. We we were very clear with grandparents that anything more was too much. Added to the number of other family members who buy them stuff it gets out of control unless we impose that rule.

One present each. We we were very clear with grandparents that anything more was too much. Added to the number of other family members who buy them stuff it gets out of control unless we impose that rule.

I would like to reply to your comment but it doesn't even make sense!

Really? Apart from on auto correct it's not that difficult..

Just because you have a sob story doesn't mean other people don't have problems

We don't want to live in houses full of shit that will be looked at for one day then abandoned.

My MIL did this, we just did the stockings and let her buy what she wanted as she wouldn’t listen. The kids had no idea who bought what so are none the wiser! Save the money for when she is older and wants expensive stuff.

Both sets of grandparents aren’t too bad here. My mother spends £50 on toys and puts £100 in premium bonds. Mil spends about £70. Both ask for lists of what the kids want.
I have major issues with my 18 year old son though who is now working full time and seems determined to outdo everyone and get the “best” present. Even if it isn’t really suitable. This year he has bought ds7 a switch and dd8 the £300 Lego Disney castle. Which is lovely and annoying in equal measure!

Not a huge risk that at 2 she'll have realised the cost or will remember who gave her what.
What she'll remember is a kind and loving grandmother. Don't take that away from either of them.

My MIL had always been like this. She fills an entire present sack with sweets and chocolate for each of our children and calls it their stocking. This is in addition to the big gifts she likes to buy. We had a falling out when I asked her to rein it in, so she carries on and I pretend it's ideal.

It does take the shine off filling their stockings for us a bit because we then don't want to add to the huge stack of sweet treats with little bits we know they particularly like. And as others have pointed out, grandparents shouldn't steal Santa's thunder.

Agree with others that you should try and suggest 1 or 2 nice presents and if she wants to spend more to put the money aside in an account for when she’s older to pay for driving lessons/uni/towards a house deposit. Providing towards her future is far more worthy than piles of plastic tat!

Yes it’s nice that she wants to spoil her but you run the risk of your DD growing up expecting a constant stream of gifts - you don’t want a Dudley Dursley situation on your hands where she sulks about not getting more presents each year!

I do understand your frustration. However, my sister used to say the same about my mum (she had her son a few years before I had children). Then my mum died suddenly, and I remember my sister being really upset at the resentment she’d had, when all our mum was doing was getting over excited. I’d only had a couple of years of it when she died, but I’d give anything now to have her here, going OTT. My husband’s parents barely get our children anything- they just don’t see Christmas in the same light.

Maybe a very quiet word from your husband now, and a suggestion that perhaps half the money is put into a bank account for when your daughter’s older?

@Afolnerd "This year he has bought ds7 a switch and dd8 the £300 Lego Disney castle."
What a generous big brother!

OP I didn't think it was worth offending my PIL after a few years stressing over it. They would spend several hundred on each child - same on the grown ups. The past few years I have been really grateful as money was tight so we didn't need to buy much. I don't think they are well enough to do it now and I'm glad they have had fun watching DC over recent years.

They were happy for some presents to be from Santa. I think FIL quite liked that.