To ask for help re sons girlfriend s behaviour? Really unsure what to do here.

[Busytimes]

Ds girlfriend , 24 is having a really hard time . I cannot go into detail .

We went with ds and his serious girlfriend to a christmas market today and i think I saw her take a small item and didn't pay for it .

I asked her later did she have a good day and she replied saying that she got something for free. she is very frugal and likes to get deals and freebies so i didn't react.

At the time I didn't say anything as lots of people in our group were talking and I didnt think anything of it

. Later this evening, I saw the item which I thought I saw her take .

I feel like she may think this is nothing / small item but it has really disturbed me .

I feel like I cant accuse her , but I am concerned re what ds may be getting himself into . -they have just moved in together.
I feel very confused what to do . / how to deal with it ?
This is not ok.I dont want to estrange our ds , but this feels wrong .
I feel like if i ask her were the item was from , what if she lies ? Were would we go from there. I am a very honest person and I feel really anxous about this .

I think I'd be frank and say to them both that I don't believe she meant to pay for the item (no-one puts something on a pocket to pay later) and that you are very unhappy about it.

I certainly wouldn't be going to any shops with her for the foreseeable.

Maybe if they were 14. At 24 I don’t think you’re going to have any sway. You may want an opinion and closure on this but that doesn’t mean you’re going to be granted it.

She is very very motivated to get free food via aps , freebies, not spend anything but save for the future

could this be linked at all

op, you’re being really kind. You’re also hoping for the best and no one can blame you for that. I’d have been exactly the same as you for a very long time. But you know what has to be done and no one here is saying it will be easy. Can you imagine your son having to be called into town one day in the future because his wife has been caught shoplifting and the baby buggy is full of stuff she’s taken.

I had a big message typed out about my experiences with a similar old friend but I deleted as very outing. In short, I would be very worried about this/ what else is she downplaying / lying about? Minimising etc. I no longer have a friendship with this person as she could not be trusted AT ALL. However on the surface a good job, successful, beautiful etc but was addicted to lying about money, costs, stealing , all getting freebies etc .Even lying about the most bizarre things . Irony being she works as an accountant and I can see how she would love working to find a loop hole for clients to avoid paying tax etc. I would worry for you son in terms of general lying/ untrustworthiness , but so difficult unless he also sees this. Xxx

Also she’s isn’t getting “ free” stuff on expenses etc . That’s what she’s telling you , I’d bet that was also stolen items/ taking advantage of the company policy etc.

Absolutely agree.
@Busytimes Don’t leave any cash lying about, or handbags - If a person is a tad light fingered, just don’t put temptation in their way.
Jewellery or anything small and valuable keep track of, too.

The fact she stole- and lied- with you present shows how brazen she is about it .

There’s some mental health thing going on here. A sort of re-writing of her reality that makes it alright. I’d keep watch on her OP, as I’m sure you are.

The theft would entirely change my view of her, too.
Everyone knows stealing is wrong.
Everyone.
If she was desperately poor, and stealing to eat, it would be more understandable, but many struggling people would be too honest to steal.
What next? Embezzling her company?
Dishonesty is a thing that undermines trust, sadly.

A friend of mine hired her boss’s daughter as babysitter once and she took some reasonably expensive toiletries from her bathroom - not highly valuable but enough expense to notice they were gone. Turned out she had past form for doing this sort of thing so you are right to be a bit wary

@Busytimes
If you are helping buy their home, please protect the money you put in, legally, if it all goes wrong.
You don’t want her waltzing off with your deposit money if they split.

Typical mumsnet overreaction, get over it.

I used to shoplift , I have never stolen from anybodies house or personal belongings. Have a good job it's because it gave me a high. I used to get annoyed at spending £100s a week not feeling like I was being rewarded so I'd do it on the scan as you go thing. It would be like 2-3 items low cost things. I stopped because well it wasn't good !! It was a mix of entitlement, stick it to the man and getting a high . I wouldn't have shop lifted from a small business owner either. I think you should tell your DS to have a word she would probably be mortified and stop.

Don't turn it into a massive thing it's probably more common than people think.
Just because someone has shoplifted from a shop doesn't mean they would do it to a person.

Tbh I'd just ask her. Be blunt. Why not?

I put nappies under my pram once on a day out and only realised when we got back to the car. Whoops. And then we all forgot about it. I certainly wasn't mortified.

Just leave it be now OP.

If you don’t want to talk to either of them about it, I’m not sure what you can do. You know she put it in her pocket. She was pleased she got a freebie, not appalled that she had accidentally pocketed it, which suggests she’s a habitual thief.

You can talk to your DS, and tell him you are worried about her. Or about him.
I would be worried about what she’ll be like once they are living together.
Are you happy to have her in your home again?

I am sure we have all managed to do that or forget to scan something when we do shop and scan in saibsburies.

But if we realised after I'd probably have a debate with myself on should I go back and pay? Would that be more hassle than worth for say one tin of beans at Sainsbury’s ?

What I can't think I'd do is happily tell people OH I GOT THIS FREE. I'd feel awkward and if a big supermarket maybe donate similar to the food bank there (if a small stall I'd return if possible/pay)

Oh come on, who puts things in their pocket when they’re shopping if they don’t intend to pay for them? I’ve never walked around a store, supermarket, market, craft fair picking up stuff and putting it in my pocket. He excuse if “ doing something else on the stall” was a cover for stealing.
Hopefully she’ll get caught one day soon, get a police caution and that will jolt her into remembering right from wrong.

I used to shoplift occasionally when under stress as a teenager. I think I did it to try and regain a sense of control over my life as my home was quite chaotic at the time. That's no excuse of course but obviously there's normally a reason why people might behave in these ways.

If I were you I'd stay out of it but be available to offer support if needed, either to your son or his gf :)
X

Did that honestly play out well in your head,the verbosity and big pause. You cross examining like a criminal barrister.
You really do seem to have a complete lack of common sense if you think that little speech and righteous indignation is going to end well.
Big pause all you want they won’t remain passive and contrite during that speech

I would be very wary of her, something isn’t right whether it be mentally or something else.
Unless she is very very good at her job I would be surprised if she is getting so many freebies on expenses.
Our expenses are tracked and can and will be audited at any time.
she didn’t get the item for free she put it in her pocket, if she was looking at something else she could easily have still had it in her hand or handed to the stall holder and said she was still browsing.
She is getting a thrill out of stealing, she isn’t getting stuff for free.
We can’t have a family member at our house, they have no issues they just love the thrill of stealing , our take on it is when they get caught they pay the consequences.
Lock down the money you are lending them.
If she is under such immense stress as you say, it maybe an idea she gets some sort of counselling.
Or is stress going to be used as an excuse when she finally gets caught ?

Please be compassionate. I started shoplifting when I was in my late 20’s (40’s now!). It was as a result of horrible extreme trauma, and doing it was a mixture of having control, but also a huge ‘the worst has happened to me now, why the shouldn’t I do bad things’. I also deeply loathed myself and thought I’m a bad person and bad people do bad things so again, why the hell not. It took a lot of time in therapy and a decade of medication to help me change and I no longer recognise that person I was. However, I can’t blame myself for what I did, I was so damaged that I just feel so sad that I felt that was the only way I could cope. So, basically, you don’t know her reasons, you already say she’s under extreme stress, go in very gently. It would have destroyed me to have been treated with contempt if someone had found out what was doing back then.

I would be worried too, it doesn't sound like an accident if she's bragging about a free item. However, I'd not be so quick to think your son is so innocent yet with him downplaying it the way he has done. Although, I'd just ignore it as there's nothing else you can do. Actions have to have consequences eventually.

My DD put shoes in a bag when I was in a shoe shop once, I was mortified that it would look intentional. It was miles away from where we lived so I made sure months later when I was in the area that I took them back and explained.

You've said that you think she took it and didn't pay, they've responded, leave it there.

They are adults and if you continue to push this issue over a small, cheap trinket then - at best - you're going to find yourself gradually cut out of their lives. If you go for the nig confrontation then there will be no gradually about it.

There is literally nothing more you can do here without alienating your DS and making yourself look like the one in the wrong. Step back, see how it plays out, say nothing more about this particular event.

@Busytimes you’ve said what you think they’ve responded. You need to leave it now. Otherwise you’ll end up arguing, son will defend his partner and you’ll be the baddie. I’m afraid this is a bit of long game, see what happens, how is she overall etc. As you say maybe they will marry, you want to be involved this is a sensitive topic to navigate.
I don’t think she’s necessarily overall shifty or globally light fingered but she may have a pattern of retail shoplifting. Maybe a stress reaction? A diversion from other trauma?
Don’t do anything rash

You have no proof she did anything wrong - she may had paid without you noticing - leave her to it - it’s not your business