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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help re sons girlfriend s behaviour? Really unsure what to do here.

132 replies

Busytimes · 19/11/2022 22:13

Ds girlfriend , 24 is having a really hard time . I cannot go into detail .

We went with ds and his serious girlfriend to a christmas market today and i think I saw her take a small item and didn't pay for it .

I asked her later did she have a good day and she replied saying that she got something for free. she is very frugal and likes to get deals and freebies so i didn't react.

At the time I didn't say anything as lots of people in our group were talking and I didnt think anything of it

. Later this evening, I saw the item which I thought I saw her take .

I feel like she may think this is nothing / small item but it has really disturbed me .

I feel like I cant accuse her , but I am concerned re what ds may be getting himself into . -they have just moved in together.
I feel very confused what to do . / how to deal with it ?
This is not ok.I dont want to estrange our ds , but this feels wrong .
I feel like if i ask her were the item was from , what if she lies ? Were would we go from there. I am a very honest person and I feel really anxous about this .

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 20/11/2022 00:27

Busytimes · 19/11/2022 22:42

Ive just been down and asked her oh what did you get for free. She said the item that i think i saw go in her pocket. She overtly said it was a free item . It had a price on it .
They are currently guests in our house.
I am concerned for our ds .
She has a well paid job and is not poor but is under stress.

Please take a look at the “ I’m a professional shoplifter, ask me anything “ thread on here.

It’s a habit that some people get
It’s not stealing because of need or hunger, but for some other reason.

The really desperate and struggling tend NOT to steal.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/11/2022 00:29

I would not raise this specific incident but I would ask about her well being in a more general way. Ask how she is going and if she is getting any support for the stress you say she is under. You could suggest some options eg therapy, visit to GP.

Finally I’d tell your DS that you know it must be having an impact on him too if she is struggling and tell him that you are happy to be a support to him and help him any way he needs.

I don’t think there is anything else you can do, given she is unlikely to admit to taking it, you may have been mistaken and DS will most likely defend her.

Take a big picture view and offer whatever support you can

2bazookas · 20/11/2022 00:32

She’s shoplifting, it’s not great but it’s not an out of control heroin habit.

OTOH, the reason a lot of people shoplift, is to fund their drug habit.

DuchessDandelion · 20/11/2022 00:33

Say nothing.

She may have honestly believed it was a freebie and from what youvesaid I don't think you can go around suggesting thievery to her or to your son.

I would only say anything if I witnessed further incidents- and I would need to be sure.

FreakyFrie · 20/11/2022 00:33

Why didn’t you just say it wasn’t free, you stole it.

I mean… what is she stealing from your house 😅

2bazookas · 20/11/2022 00:39

QuiteSomeTime · 19/11/2022 23:35

It’s really nothing to do with you. If she gets caught stealing (which she will, eventually), that’s for her to deal with

Except, she lives with OP's son. If she gets caught with a load of stolen goods in their home, he could be under suspicion too. Then there's the question of why she steals (is it to fund a habit, if so are there drugs in the house).

mutationseagull · 20/11/2022 03:05

2bazookas · 20/11/2022 00:39

Except, she lives with OP's son. If she gets caught with a load of stolen goods in their home, he could be under suspicion too. Then there's the question of why she steals (is it to fund a habit, if so are there drugs in the house).

Show quote history

It seems pretty unlikely that someone would steal a small item from a craft market to fund their drug habit

johsq20 · 20/11/2022 09:16

Like someone else said - why would it be unlikely for the stall holder to have given it to her for free. I've been in situations where I've bought stuff, someone's tried to up sell me & I've joked about only having it if it's for free & in a lot of cases I've been given the item! So I wouldn't completely rule it out.

Original poster
Busytimes · 20/11/2022 09:17

Thanks all .
I do appreciate it .
She is really under stress , but declines to talk about it . She sees time with us as a break from it all. When i did ask the reply was all is fine , when it really isnt .

She has a good job and I am very worried something like this could affect it . I am also worried that ds is really concerned about the stress on her and turning a blind eye to this . i am worried to bring it up to him as it cd alienate them both from us at a time they both need support as the stress she is under imacts ds also.

OP posts:
hopeishere · 20/11/2022 09:23

What is the item? If it's lying about could you pick it up and give her a hard stare so she knows you know it was stolen?

Her stealing is not your concern. It's really the impact on your son I'm guessing you're really worrying about? Outside of the stress times how is their relationship?

RudsyFarmer · 20/11/2022 09:25

If it were my family I’d talk to my son alone about it and make him aware he’s potentially tethering his wagon to a shoplifter. Then it’s up to him isn’t it.

LyleLanley · 20/11/2022 09:26

Not sure why you’re getting involved?

Runningintolife · 20/11/2022 09:28

First of all, don't fuse this with your own honesty or how it reflects on you - not your action, not your moral responsibility. You have noticed she is not ok and might be engaging in a compulsive behaviour to make herself feel better. It's probably happened before. If you see it again, I would gently say 'please could you return that, I don't think it's right for you to take it.' Being caught compassionately is often helpful to stopping the behaviour. You could say 'I don't think that was free' but I think the moment has passed. What else you do is up to the relationship with her and ds. It wouldn't be unkind to broach that you are worried about her and to offer her some company or time if that's your role in her life. Or just be really present with your son while she goes through this.

Singleandproud · 20/11/2022 09:30

You could mention it to your son as coming from a place of concern for her MH opposed to telling him he is living with a thief.

Alternatively you could all watch Outlaws on BBC I player where one of the characters is a student under a huge amount of stress who shoplifts for the thrill and gets caught and then sent to community service, its a great series in its own right but flags up lots of different issues, MH, county lines, drug habits etc in a black comedic way.

MrsToothyBitch · 20/11/2022 09:34

This is an awful situation but the word jumping out at me here is that you "think", not that you "know" or that you are "certain". People who "think" they've seen or heard things can cause a lot of damage.

Also I've been given freebies from stock whilst shopping before including at a Christmas fair so she really could be telling the truth, especially if you weren't close enough to hear what may or may not have been said.

I wouldn't like either but in this instance I'd butt out. And wait to see if it happened again/I more definitely caught her at it.

CocoLux · 20/11/2022 09:36

LyleLanley · 20/11/2022 09:26

Not sure why you’re getting involved?

This woman is staying in OP's house. If she's a thief she could well be nicking stuff from the OP. Would you be happy with that?

ButterCrackers · 20/11/2022 09:40

LyleLanley · 20/11/2022 09:26

Not sure why you’re getting involved?

shes the son’s serious girlfriend so the poster is looking out for family and those close to the family.

DemsDaRulz · 20/11/2022 09:40

I think you're going to have to be honest and tell her what you thought you saw

Original poster
Busytimes · 20/11/2022 09:41

I am afraid to talk to ds about it as he will likely just say she is under stress.
I wonder if she did it for a high or to beat the system. I am now presuming it wasn't free.. I paid for the items on the stall and it wasn't amongst them . Seeing as she is very frugal looks for freebies a lot etc from businesses etc , but has money, could this be a sort of way ( in her mind) of continuing to beat the system not
pay. .. gone extreme?

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 20/11/2022 09:43

So you’ve had two conversations about this item with her and both times you just go silent? Why didn’t you ask HOW she got it for free?

SmallPrawnEnergy · 20/11/2022 09:48

There’s a lot of uncertainty about this situation. The fact is you don’t actually know what you saw, but you’re presuming she stole it. Why is automatically a thief, or “gone extreme”? It’s a very strange stance to have with someone unless there is a huge backstory you’re not providing. Very strange reaction here.

Innocent until proven guilty no?

Dontaskdontget · 20/11/2022 09:48

I’d keep an eye on your valuables that’s for sure.

If you accuse her she’ll say you were mistaken / that she was given it, and then quietly steal from you in revenge.

I don’t think there’s much you can do other than maybe mention to your DD if you are close with him. But probably he’ll just ask her she’ll deny it and then nick from you as above.

:(

knittingaddict · 20/11/2022 09:49

LyleLanley · 20/11/2022 09:26

Not sure why you’re getting involved?

Because she saw a criminal act take place right in front of her. Because she is her son't gf. It might be a big nothing to some on here, but doing this while out on a family outing with the "in laws" suggests that it's not uncommon for this woman. I would be worried too.

Newwardrobe · 20/11/2022 09:52

If I had been given a freebie , I would probably show the people I was with ' ooh look what the stall holder gave me '

It sounds as if she has stolen it , how you address it, if at all though ,is tricky .

LyleLanley · 20/11/2022 09:53

knittingaddict · 20/11/2022 09:49

Because she saw a criminal act take place right in front of her. Because she is her son't gf. It might be a big nothing to some on here, but doing this while out on a family outing with the "in laws" suggests that it's not uncommon for this woman. I would be worried too.

Show quote history

Have you lived a sheltered life?

Dont get me wrong I wouldn’t ever steal anything and I wouldn’t want my relatives to be doing it either but I wouldn’t be going all columbo over this

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