To ask for help re sons girlfriend s behaviour? Really unsure what to do here.

[Busytimes]

Ds girlfriend , 24 is having a really hard time . I cannot go into detail .

We went with ds and his serious girlfriend to a christmas market today and i think I saw her take a small item and didn't pay for it .

I asked her later did she have a good day and she replied saying that she got something for free. she is very frugal and likes to get deals and freebies so i didn't react.

At the time I didn't say anything as lots of people in our group were talking and I didnt think anything of it

. Later this evening, I saw the item which I thought I saw her take .

I feel like she may think this is nothing / small item but it has really disturbed me .

I feel like I cant accuse her , but I am concerned re what ds may be getting himself into . -they have just moved in together.
I feel very confused what to do . / how to deal with it ?
This is not ok.I dont want to estrange our ds , but this feels wrong .
I feel like if i ask her were the item was from , what if she lies ? Were would we go from there. I am a very honest person and I feel really anxous about this .

Thanks . I really want to talk to ds . It looks like he. Accepted the explanation and he is also stressed about the upcommimg move . If i discuss further i think they will think am making a fuss just now . I may be able to refer to it in future . i want to say to ds that i simply dont beleive her .. which is true .. i suspect ds would get upset at that. Maybe i should just look out for any future stuff.

She is kind and supportive to him so I expect he is unable to process / admit this to self .

I'd watch her like a hawk in my home, tbh. Don't leave your handbag, cash or jewelry about anyway. You'd be surprised at the number of well-off people who shoplift, it's not always a poverty thing.

I think you should just watch, wait and support your ds. No one is all good or all bad. I am like you op, I don’t steal. I remember being disgusted with friends, who did when I was a teen. Your ds knows it is wrong and maybe he will help his gf. Help him to support her, especially if you find out anymore.

YABU purely because she's 24 so I assume your DS is also a similar age and is therefore an adult and so you need to keep out of their adult relationship, for goodness sake!

InnFivemins
i totally disagree with you. Yes they are adults but it would be mortified if we had got stopped for stealing. Plus i do not collude with breaking the law. She is also in my home today.

Her reaction is interesting isn’t it? Anyone who thought stealing was wrong, would be horrified.

But she hasn’t framed it like that at all and that’s the worry.

i feel like I am possibly colluding with something wrong .

I think you need to separate out this excessive guilt complex from whether you should have a private word with your son in a very non-confrontational and non-judgemental way, preferably when they are not staying with you unless that is the only opportunity. Depends on your relationship with your son too. Don't say "or add to a record" in this conversation!!

would be mortified if we had got stopped for stealing

There's no we, you are not responsible for her. Only she would have been stopped. Not you.

@Busytimes do you think the gf is perhaps a kleptomaniac?
It’s a mental disorder and if she’s stressed it will be more likely to occur.
It’s also more common in young female adults.

I would tread carefully but the gf may need to see her gp.

OP you only know the side of your adult son that he shows you.

You've no idea what he does, or behaves like when not around you.

Maybe they both like to get things for "free "
you'll never know.

Say nothing to either of them or you may lose out.

You’ve planted the seed in your son’s mind. Let it go now, for your own sake and for the relationship with your son.

I would face it head on I’m afraid. It’s theft.

I would either (if they are both there ask to see them in the kitchen together) or (text them both together and say the following)

I am worried and anxious about what I saw today

huge pause and don’t fill in

there is right and wrong adult and children over about 7/8 KNOW not to put items in their pocket without paying

no I know that I saw I offered to pay and I know what happened

big pause

don't insult my intelligence or gaslight me

big pause

you lied - you said it was free it wasn’t

big pause

you lied - you said it was free it wasn’t

big pause

its a crime the stall holder will be out of pocket and might have very limited means of making any sort of margin - you stole from someone working to make a living

it’s unacceptable

you are enabling her and minimising it

you took a deliberate criminal action ? Why? It wasn’t accidentally done it was deliberate?

what are you going to do to put it right?

20 or 10
doesn’t matter - I think her actions are vile

if you let it go you become her enabler !

Next time you talk to your son whether on the phone or face to face, when her name comes up I would just say. ‘I don’t want you to get angry at this, but she 100 percent stole that XXX from the Christmas market. She intentionally put it in her pocket and stole it. I don’t know if that’s how she gets her kicks and I know she’s under a lot of pressure but I wanted you to know’. Then regardless of what he says, just drop it. You’ve said your piece. He’ll know you take a dim view on it.

Oh good God, why are you stressing over this? She’s 24 and not your responsibility. If she’s a tea leaf she’ll get caught eventually. You don’t need to worry about it.

Don’t do this. They will both tell you to fuck off. Her to evade owning up and him because his mother is grilling his girlfriend as if she was 9, which would be inappropriate.

You can mention it to your son if you feel you must do something. Don’t call them through for the pregnant pauses dressing down.

To be honest, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, in all reality what’s the worst that could actually come from this? She’s highly unlikely to now go on to involve your son in a bank robbery or something. Some people just like the thrill of stealing something, but yes I do agree it shows bad character that she went out of her way to lie to you about getting something from free. She seems a bit odd, but id let things work out naturally. Chances are, in a year or two they will have broken up. Don’t risk losing your son.

I think, in this case, it's best to put it behind you. It could very well have been an absent-minded mistake. If you keep pushing for an answer, it could blow up.
Best to just keep out of it for now.

"I put it in my pocket whilst doing something else on the stall and forgot about it"

She wouldn't be the first to have taken something away unpaid-for as a genuine oversight; however the usual reaction is "Oh my god - OH NO!!!" rather than delight she got it for free, and the fact she went for the second option strongly suggests it was deliberate

Frankly I think you DS is being very foolish if he wants to brush this aside, but that's his choice to make. My own choice would be to keep a careful eye on her while around your stuff, and if they twig you're doing this then so be it

I think she may have been testing you. If you mention it to your son you could cause issues. I’m sure he will figure it out if it becomes a habit. If he mentions anything amiss then bring it up. Concerning as she is in your house. Hopefully she won’t stay to often. I understand your concerns though. I’m wondering about attention seeking behaviour as she brought up that it was free….

I once met a group of women through a local Facebook group where someone had posted about being lonely as they had recently moved to the area. It seemed fab at first but we were invited to one of the women’s houses for drinks/film/takeaway etc. Me and the lady who had posted originally were the last people standing at this girls house. She’d had one too many and started pointing out all the things that she had shoplifted in her house! We were mortified! The next day she swiftly told everyone else in the large group of women that me and the original lady had spent the end of the evening slagging them all off! They all believed her.

That’s how awful someone with a shoplifting addiction can be!

It is my business as they are in my home . They are in a long term relationship and likely to get married .

As long as she's aware that you do not approve of theft, there's not much else you can do apart from asking her to leave. If it were me, I'd leave it for now. If they're in a long-term relationship and she does this on the regular, you can bet your son already knows.

I couldn’t let this go. I’d have to have a kitchen pow wow and say - so can we clear up my confusion, was the item paid for or not? I doubt you’ll get an answer that makes any sense though but at least you’ve brought the subject up and 10 years from now if anything like this rears it’s ugly heady again then your son ( and you) will know she should not be given the benefit of the doubt.

She is very very motivated to get free food via aps , freebies, not spend anything but save for the future.
could this be linked at all.
has a very good job ( gets lots of free stuff on expenses) its not lack of money .
I dont understand .
I feel really unsettled . Was look forward to her being our daughter in law and now I simply feel
worried that our ds will get hurt. she seems so nice .( as well as obsessive)