Such a rude girl

[SomethingweirdaboutNoddy]

My Dd, 4.

She’s just become really rude, especially since she started school.
It was always the only thing that I was ever really bothered about…her being kind and just hopefully a nice, polite person.
She really isn’t anymore and I’m wondering if this is a phase, maybe at 4?
We've always taught her to speak nicely, try to be kind etc, and she *Can be kind some of the time, but she’s also become quite rude in the way she speaks to us and other kids and even other adults.
She’s v bossy and demanding and sulks around the playground and tends to pull
faces at other kids/not want to play with them. She used to run up to them happily before.
We were stood in the queue at the playground cafe today, behind another woman and she was moaning ‘I wanted to go there, hurry up’ etc, luckily the lady didn’t hear her but it sounded so awful.
Dh and I are v calm, polite people and I’ve no idea where she’s getting this from or when our teaching her the kinder way to be will rub off.
Where are we going wrong?

YABVU - she's 4!

Welcome to having a school age child

It's all very developmentally normal. She's pushing back at the world, you, DH, every boundary she's been set, etc to see where the soft spots are. It's all part of learning to assert her own wants/needs and identity.

Best thing you can do is to pick your battles - ignore what can be ignored, correct and redirect what can't be ignored, and keep setting a good example with your own words and actions.

She's 4. They can be real assholes at this age, and starting school is a big upheaval.

But also, I wouldn't be too preoccupied with her being nice, polite, kind etc - it's also important that she can stand up for herself and puts herself first occasionally. Too many women struggle with this. It's a difficult balance.

It’s never too early to correct rude behaviour, I have always been strict on not speaking rudely, very relaxed about other things. I have 2 teens who have never been rude to me as they know it’s not acceptable. Being kind is something different imo, but I’d reprimand if she’s rude every time

i work with 4 year old children and most children that age are not rude

Are you correcting her behaviour? You can't just assume she'll be polite because you are.

I would definitely tell her off for being rude. She won't just 'be kind' automatically, and she won't grow out of it. She'll get worse unless she is corrected.

I think this is normal! We’ve started getting similar from our 4 yr old, rudeness and attitude to us and grandparents. Never at school! I pull up the attitude and rudeness every time, even if what she says has a point I tell her a different way she could say it. Kindness is a separate issue imo, we don’t push the ‘ be kind’ always mantra but more of a be considerate, treat the other children how you would want to be treated but also it’s ok to have boundaries. Social skills are a lot for a 4 year old and I’m sure will be an ongoing learning process for her for years to come so I don’t over egg it, they’re still only littlw even if they suddenly seem so much more grown up having started school!

I think it's a bit of a reach to think OP isn't correcting her daughter. She talks of the importance they place on manners, and says "I’ve no idea... when our teaching her the kinder way to be will rub off", they're plainly correcting the behaviour.

I don't think that 4 is too young for the line 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, dear' however I agree with PP, that little girls are heavily socialised to 'be kind' which can lead to emotional repression at such a tender age. I would pick my battles carefully here and take opportunity help her see the consequences of her attitude and behaviour. Try not to categorise her as naughty and use more carrot than stick, she's still learning the basics of socially appropriate behaviour.

Also, are there any indications she may be on the spectrum? Can look different in girls

This.

I don’t mean to be nasty but her behaviour is a reflection on you and DH. If you’re witnessing behaviour that you feel is detrimental to her and not consistent with her peers then you need to adjust your parenting.

Shes 4YO and I’m a little sad you’re describing her this way. For both you and her, do you have a good relationship/bond with her. Could she be acting out?

It's not really a reach considering OP has said what her daughter does that's rude but not what steps they take as parents.

She’s four. They become really self centred for a couple of years and then they grow out of it.

Agree, but if it’s not effective then they should probably look at an alternative approach, or perhaps they aren’t consistent or clear? OP clearly cares or she wouldn’t post, she also is clearly addressing the behaviour how best she can, but suggesting she look at their preferred parenting style is probably a good place to start

Nonsense. Should the Op wait until she’s 7, 10, 14 until she tackles the behaviour?

What are you currently doing to try to stop this behaviour? You haven't said anything about that.

Are you doing "gentle parenting"?

Yea kids are assholes (I’m hiding in my study from mine just now)

Oh absolutely, and a fresh pair of eyes can be really useful. Lord knows my own parenting is very far from perfect. But posts like "Are you correcting her behaviour? You can't just assume she'll be polite because you are." are just taking the piss when OP clearly cares.

I think starting school is a big shock to the system tbh. She now presumably has less autonomy in her life, and is maybe reacting by trying to control what she can. Obs you need to address it, but maybe it's something to bear in mind.

She is 4.
School is a massive change.

Teaching girls to be kind is overrated.

This.

They change when they start school. My s was the most gentle loving little boy then it was all about power rangers and fighting. Maybe she is learning to stand her ground. As at school unfortunately they need to. Teach her time and place.

Sorry, I thought I’d said in the op, we’ve always taught her good manners and always speak to her when she’s like this. It’s been since she’s started school, she also seems more wary of kids now, a lot of her innocence seems to have gone 😔
She’s a fantastic, bright, funny girl who we love to bits. I feel awful writing it about her but she really has become one of those rude kids and obviously I’m wondering where we’re going wrong here

@SuspiciousHedgehog No, I don’t think so, is rudeness a sign of being on the spectrum? I have no idea

She’s a person, not your dolly.

Of course she needs boundaries - but she also needs to test them, it’s a natural part of growing up and it will continue.