Such a rude girl

[SomethingweirdaboutNoddy]

My Dd, 4.

She’s just become really rude, especially since she started school.
It was always the only thing that I was ever really bothered about…her being kind and just hopefully a nice, polite person.
She really isn’t anymore and I’m wondering if this is a phase, maybe at 4?
We've always taught her to speak nicely, try to be kind etc, and she *Can be kind some of the time, but she’s also become quite rude in the way she speaks to us and other kids and even other adults.
She’s v bossy and demanding and sulks around the playground and tends to pull
faces at other kids/not want to play with them. She used to run up to them happily before.
We were stood in the queue at the playground cafe today, behind another woman and she was moaning ‘I wanted to go there, hurry up’ etc, luckily the lady didn’t hear her but it sounded so awful.
Dh and I are v calm, polite people and I’ve no idea where she’s getting this from or when our teaching her the kinder way to be will rub off.
Where are we going wrong?

It was always the only thing that I was ever really bothered about…her being kind and just hopefully a nice, polite person.

This sounds so crushing. People aren't born to simply be kind and nice to other people. She's exploring the world and trying to assert herself in it. Encourage her, and show her how to do it in a way that other people will respond to in a positive way. Teach her how to negotiate to get what she wants and how to get people to support her.

Of course you don’t want your daughter to be obnoxious but be very careful about her having to be always ‘nice’, it can backfire and they become a people pleaser who is scared to ever assert themselves. As others have said, pick your battles, make sure there is a balance between being nice and kind and being assertive in her own needs.

She’s 4!! She will change a lot more over the years… tbh when kids are rude I think they learn it from the way they are spoken to. Remember you are 50% of the interaction between you and your child, and as adults we often set the tone

sorry if this isn’t helpful but this is what I’ve seen Over the years, when kids talk rudely it’s because they have been spoken to similarly, with disrespect by adults around them

No mines were very polite and very well behaved at 4/5. Not rude at all. Now fast forward to 12 it’s a different story. Cheeky, moody, I dread the next few years 😩

@Boshi Not the case here.

Yanbu. Never accept rudeness or unkind behaviour. She has probably picked up some behaviours from other children at school. I work in primary and you can see some very calm, quiet chn recoil in horror at the behaviour of some others. It’s all so new and she’s taking it all in and trying out different attitudes. She need you to be the constant role model who calmly reminds her EVERY single time she is rude or unkind. I’m sure she will revert to herself over the holidays.

Imo you have another 14 years to go of attitude..

She said that to the woman infront of her? Bloody hell, what kid talks to a grown adult like that? No, that's not normal. It would be one thing if it was another kid or you perhaps but if your child is being rude to another adult, you've definately got problems.

Don't want to advocate smacking but tbf that's probably a part of the reason kids back in the day would never dream of talking to adults like that. I'd say pick your battles but that behaviour definately needed swift calling out and harsh dealing with.

This 👆 she might be rude but she needs telling every time. And if she’s consistently doing it after being told then a consequence is needed.

always speak to her when she’s like this

What do you say?

Start your own thread.

Parenting using fear is shit parenting. How does hitting a child teach them anything other than mistrust of the adults around them?

If she's just started school is she getting enough sleep? School is very hard work and stressful when you're 4, could be cranky and short tempered.

What did you say to your daughter when she made that comment today?

It's such a broad church and there's much diversity among the neuro diverse but

Yes, difficultly pitching oneself appropriately, understanding social nuance, and social/emotional inflexibility, black and white thinking (all which can lead to being perceived as 'rude') CAN be signs, in both children and adults.

4yolds are like tiny teenagers.

Shes 4 years old.

At that age they are really tired because of school.

Also they are having to control their emotions and behaviour so much during the school day, that you find they do become harder work when at home, because they can relax a little.

It should improve as she gets a little older.

And thats why I said to use 'harsh punishment' not 'smacking'.

But tbf I'd say smacking taught me boundaries. You were warned once and you observed the boundary so as not to be smacked.

And a little bit of fear of adults would probably not be a bad thing in this day age anyway.

I stand by my comment about shit parenting. Smacking obliviously has harmed you, it's made you think it's okay to hit children and to use "harsh punishments" for a four year old.

At my job, I make safeguarding referrals about people like you.

Please be bothered about more than her ‘being kind…nice and polite’! Obviously politeness and kindness are good and socially useful qualities but if, as you’ve said, that’s all you’re bothered about you are putting her into a restrictive and sexist little box.

Is there a possibility she is being bullied that can affect behaviour.

Correct her and say ‘you are being rude everyone has a chance to go it’s a queue etc’

having said that I took mine out for breakfast and she started boasting everyone around and telling me what to bloody order for myself …. And where I could sit.

I hadn’t ordered and just got up
and left - she didn’t.

fortunately the cafe wasn’t busy and after 10 minutes she came over she was given choices and I went back in and she joined me after I had ordered as she came in and sulked. The woman behind the till was ‘fair play to you’ eventually she ordered for herself as I was playing after that amount of sulking for her (I had asked her what she wanted when she came in but she pouted ‘nothing’ so got nothing.

it was bad enough I had to put up with her sulking. But I wanted a nice breakfast out and she ruined it for me and her brother. I then paid for her to go riding and having screamed multiple times at her brother that she hates him - unprovoked she’s about to eat pizza in her room whilst myself and her brother have pizza in front of the tv

How is she getting on at school friends wise? Worth doing an activity like Rainbows to help her socially. I’d definitely be correcting her. How would you like it if x did that to you. There’s a big difference between pushover and rude. I’d definitely not tolerate her pulling faces, speaking like she did in cafe - what consequence did she get. If you can’t wait in queue nicely then we are going.
I’d also wonder if she’s on autism spectrum. Definitely worth watching as girls are often not diagnosed as quickly.

You need to take a step back and analyse this 'rude' behaviour more. She is struggling in group situations with her peers. Have you spoke to her teacher about it?

Make some notes and look for patterns. The comment in the cafe is diff to not being able to socialise well at play times.