To think she should have watched DS

[BearySilly]

On holiday with in-laws and we are all taking it in turns to cook dinner. On me and DH's night I cooked and he was watching the kids but then FIL asked him to help with something around the house that really couldn't wait. Everyone else was out or busy so I asked SIL to watch 10mo DS. She did for a while but then when I looked round he was crawling around the kitchen by himself and she was on the sofa playing video games. She totally ignored me as I cooked, laid the table and minded DS and DD.

I think she was very rude but DH thinks that she's just one of those people who thinks "your kids, your problem" and, as she and BIL had cooked a couple of nights before she felt like she'd done her bit.

I'm biased against her as she and BIL (she's his gf) stayed with us for 10 days and she was the laziest most ungrateful house guest I've ever had. My cooking was not up to scratch, she never helped clean up after dinner and she just generally made everything more difficult despite insisting she was staying with us to "help out".

Tbh I find looking after other peoples kids immensely boring! So I would probably have refused to do it, however I would have happily taken over the cooking while you looked after your own child!

Your kids your problem. Yabu. You or DH should be watching them. I love my nieces and nephews but they're not my responsibility just because their parents are cooking dinner. That doesn't randomly make them my responsibility.

“Childcare” for heavens sake, it was briefly watching a child during a bit of an unexpected crisis, she wasn't being trafficked as a live in nanny! People on here sometimes have such a transactional approach to life. But only with kids. Any other area in life where people help each other is fine apparently, but a one off event where someone might have to interact with a child who is not their own - completely out of order.

This!

I'm reading these responses like - this is some next level PC psychotic nonsense.

I've asked my 9yr old nephew to do this and he's handled it just fine. Mental. Absolutely mental.

This sounds like the worst holiday cooking and being with extended family. Whats the actually point?

Personally I would have helped but from your post OP.... about your SIL staying 10 days says it all.

It was actually really nice. We did loads of fun things with the kids and had some really nice home cooked meals as BIL is a very good cook and I am also not bad. I do like and get on with my in-laws so it was nice to spend time with them and share the DC with them as we don't meet up often. Just SIL was a bit of a misery and on this one evening her unhelpfulness (rudeness in my opinion) was very noticeable.

In hindsight I shouldn't have been surprised but as we had spoken about her unhelpfulness when staying with us I thought she'd have taken that on board!

Perfectly put. Such weird comments saying 'they're your kids' in response to this situation. SIL sounds awful.

Why couldn't SIL and BIL volunteer to take over dinner if watching a baby is such an inconvenience?

It's just a dick move not to step up when everyone is shuffling around in the kind of situation you describe.

Your SIL comes across as a particularly rude and lazy teenager. Where was your DH when you were cooking, putting baby to bed and clearing up after your meal though? Not fixing generators again surely?

She’s obviously crap and self-absorbed so just don’t rely on her in future.
She should not have said yes and not done it - that was dangerous.

”everyone else was out or busy” - as were you…

In future, if necessary tell FIL that sorry you can’t leave your child with SIL as she is not to be trusted.

I don't really understand why some people are desperate to find fault with DH in every situation! He'd have been doing our toddlers bath and bedtime which takes quite a bit longer than the baby as she's going through a difficult sleep phase at the moment. Maybe he thought his brother or the gf would have tidied up, idk.

Ok. Only asking. 😳

You’re coming across a bit martyred, why can’t you directly request what you want/need . TELL THEM to clear up the strewn clothes. All these getting on with it with baby in your hip it’s all a bit martyred poor dearie ole me. GET THEM told don’t say it once , keep saying it. Don’t hint.

to the posters implying that everyone has a rigid defined role on family holidays with no leeway whatsoever, therefore SIL is not doing childcare and shouldn’t be expected to do it. Do you also think that OP’s DH should have taken this stance and said “sorry, I can’t do the generator as it’s not my turn to have “free time” tonight, DW and I are cooking/laying table/keeping an eye on baby. Although SIL is on a “night off” so she is available to do it, aren’t you, SIL?”

I dread to think what the “not her job” posters are like if they pay a nanny to look after their own children. I’d imagine that if they came home early from work one day and their child tried to interact with them they’d look at their watch and say “oh no, darling, this is nanny’s time now. When she clocks off at 6.30pm I will look at your homework then.”

The thing is I did. I'm not a fan of conflict but I'm not a total pushover. I said quite a number of times "don't take all that stuff out", "you need to tidy everything up as the cleaners are coming", "BIL I need you to tidy this up now" and they just didn't. The most forceful I got was the asking BIL and he said he couldn't right then as he had a work call to be on but he'd ask his gf and I didn't hear what he said but she just stayed lying on the sofa so I really didn't have a choice as I wanted the cleaning to be done and that was the last chance I was going to get to do it myself so I just did it. I've honestly never come across anything like it before! It was so rude and so weird.

I should probably have been more forceful with SIL directly but she was a guest and obviously I know BIL a lot better than I know her so feel more comfortable telling him to do something. The whole thing was honestly so strange though. If that hadn't happened I'd have probably not been so put out by the refusing to help mind DS on holiday.

They’re ghastly guests I agree but you’re too nicey and passive so they take the piss.

Yes, they won't be getting a return invite.

Hell no. They’ve behaved awfully. No more 10day stays, travel lodge for them in future

They do sound rude and unhelpful.
Specifically about the childcare though, before I had children myself I had no experience of young kids, no real internet in them and absolutely no clue about them. If SIL is the same then I'm not surprised she didn't mind your dc properly.

I think in the future, having tried the gentle approach, you need to be clear about what you want them to do to help you and to insist on it in a very assertive way.

Also perhaps give them some gentle feedback when they fall short of your expectations.
Eg SIL I was surprised to see baby crawling on the kitchen floor while you were playing video games, do you think that is what I meant by please watch the baby?

They’re past gentle feedback,they know @BearySilly won’t be overly direct and are taking the piss. Shocking behaviour as a guest.

& that's fine @Kitcaterpillar - at least the issue is then out there in the open, & can be addressed honestly.

Seething & doing nothing in pass-agg fury doesn't fix anything ...

She doesn't have to watch your kids

The rest of the family sounds lovely, OP, including BIL. Hopefully at some point he comes to his senses and ditches the girlfriend.