To think she should have watched DS

[BearySilly]

On holiday with in-laws and we are all taking it in turns to cook dinner. On me and DH's night I cooked and he was watching the kids but then FIL asked him to help with something around the house that really couldn't wait. Everyone else was out or busy so I asked SIL to watch 10mo DS. She did for a while but then when I looked round he was crawling around the kitchen by himself and she was on the sofa playing video games. She totally ignored me as I cooked, laid the table and minded DS and DD.

I think she was very rude but DH thinks that she's just one of those people who thinks "your kids, your problem" and, as she and BIL had cooked a couple of nights before she felt like she'd done her bit.

I'm biased against her as she and BIL (she's his gf) stayed with us for 10 days and she was the laziest most ungrateful house guest I've ever had. My cooking was not up to scratch, she never helped clean up after dinner and she just generally made everything more difficult despite insisting she was staying with us to "help out".

YANBU keeping an eye on a crawling baby while everyone else is doing something useful isn’t a big ask tbh. I’m also very anti expecting family childcare etc but in these circumstances I would be a bit annoyed. Most people who aren’t keen on babies and small kids would still keep an eye to make sure they don’t get hurt (i.e. me).

If I'm understanding the scenario correctly: SIL was asked to mind the kid for a bit while DH sorted out an issue with the generator, and Op cooked the family meal. SIL apparently agreed to do this, and watched DS for a while, but then abandoned the task in order to play video games - without letting anyone know that she'd left the baby to its own devices.

So the issue is - if SIL (who really isn’t an “SIL,” just some girlfriend, right?) didn’t want to be bothered keeping an eye on the child then she should have just said so when Op asked for her assistance, in which case Op could have worked something else out.

Equally, if she wanted to help, she would have offered. But she didn't. It was the OP who asked her, putting her in the position of looking like a dick if she said no. She might not have realised the OP expected her to keep the child entertained and out of the way. She might have thought she just needed to keep him safe when he was out of his mother's vision.

It's foolish to assume other people who have never had children have the same instincts or knowledge of children just because they are adults (and female?).

Heck, half of the fathers posted about on MN don't have a clue about their own children, yet this unmarried, childless woman is expected to take on responsibility for a baby she barely knows.

I haven't voted as, although it is a bit annoying, there is, presumably, an understandable element of the gf thinking that she came on holiday to relax and not look after other people's dc.

I mean, I would have helped if I were her, but I know what it's like to try and do things with a crawling baby in a non-baby-proofed- place and I would just do what I could to help, but, if she felt she had done her turn at cooking, and presumably no-one helped her, I can sort of understand the resentment at then being asked to look after someone else's baby when potentially it probably wasn't her ideal situation to spend a holiday with all her bf's extended family.

The responsibility here lay with your dh, who should have responded "I can only come and help you if someone is able to look after dc, as Beary is cooking and he can't be left on his own" then made sure she either volunteered, or one of the other adults volunteered or someone said Beary can and I'll hold the fort in the kitchen, or whatever worked. The issue is you told him to go and "assumed".

YANBU at all.

I think your DH just going off instead of finding someone to watch the kids first was out of order. But given the designated child watcher was busy trying to get the generator working, which was necessary for everyone, SiL should have stepped up to watch the kids while DH was doing that. Also, since you asked and she said she would do it, she should have bloody done it and just stopping and playing video games is really selfish and irresponsible.

I should aim your anger towards your husband, not the SIL.

*YOU should.

I’m baffled by some of the responses here. Of course she should have watched your baby while you cooked and your husband helped fix the power. Why wouldn’t she? Lazy cow.

Lots of people don't feel comfortable being responsible for somebody else's child.

Quite often childless people don't understand how much attention young children need.

Why should she/anyone?

Are all parents this entitled cows?

@girlmom21 Maybe that’s it.

@Sonervousimgonnathrowup Why should she? Because they’re a family on holiday together? Because the OP is cooking their meal while her husband fixes their power? I agree with PPs who wondered what BIL was doing while everyone else was busy, though

I don’t have children but if someone was cooking dinner for me and several other people and asked me to watch their 10 month old of course I would because I’m childless, I’m not an empathy vacuum!

being childless is no excuse for being selfish & lazy

But it's your DH that was supposed to look after your DC.

Sounds like SIL and BIL did their turn cooking, but you and your DH can't manage without extra help for some reason?

Why should the others cook for op and her h, though?!

Some people must be utterly miserable.

So he should've just left the power go? Would SIL have jumped to fix the generator?

Tell us about when she stayed with you, she sounds like a horror 😂

Is she quite young though? Before my kids I didn't really know what to do with children, especially small ones.

Your DH should have done the handover: you were busy cooking. And yes where was BIL?

Agree with all of this. If you’d asked SiL to look after your kids while you went out for a drink or had a long swim or something I’d agree with her ‘your baby, your problem’ stance a bit more. But while you’re cooking for her! She’s not very helpful and not very nice.

Your other BIL was out entertaining your other child for you? It's funny that this is supposed to be a holiday for everyone, but everyone else is taking on extra responsibilities (your children) so you and DH can do less.

OP cooking for everyone isn't much relevant here - the SIL (herself or as a part of a pair) did her agreed share in other days. If we agree to divide the work, it means for me that when is someone's else's turn, I don't have to participate in it.

Nothing generally anti-social about playing games in the nonaligned time. And being in the same space "on full display" is hardly a crime either.

I'd dare the guess that if she was asked to look after children to allow DH to fix the generator and was left alone with them in the room, she would put more attention into it.

I agree that people without children don't know what minding a baby means, so maybe she didn't feel as abandoning DS, more like "he doesn't need anything now".

I originally thought that she should had pay more attention, but once the mother started interacting with the child, it would be easy to feel she has it covered.

I wouldn't call her lazy for this, just normal.

No, so OP and her husband could cook for everyone (including SIL) and OP's husband could fix the power emergency. Some small kids get really ratty at that time of day, and supervising a crawling baby in a non baby proofed house while cooking dinner is really hard. It sounds like everyone was pitching in and helping each other out, while SIL was sitting there with her phone.

Also, sil was on baby watch, and then ignored him. Very unsafe!

Childcare for the older child had already been passed on to someone else even before the generator issue. I'm pretty sure two adults are capable of looking after their own two children and make dinner.

SIL pitched in when she cooked for everyone on her turn. She didn't go on holiday to provide childcare.

Unlike many miserable mumsnetters BIL actually likes his niece so going out an playing with her was his idea! She's old enough that she would have "helped" with cooking otherwise.

She isn't that young (mid 20s), doesn't have kids though. She was awful! Icooked every night to no thanks and complaints that the food was too salty etc. After dinner she'd always run off upstairs leaving BIL to clear up which he did most nights but when he was unwell or didn't feel like it I'd come down from putting the baby to bed and have to do it.

The other thing which is on both of them. We had an inherited wardrobe that was full of clothes and just general stuff and I'd finally arranged to get rid of it. I was going to see if the person picking it up would take the stuff inside but BIL and SIL insisted on taking everything out and strewing it over the living room to see if there was anything they wanted. I asked so many times for it to be tidied up as I was working early the next morning and our cleaner was coming and obviously wouldn't be able to clean with crap all over the place. I eventually did it myself with baby on my hip while she....sat on the sofa, ignored me and played games on her phone (BIL was on a zoom call).