To think she should have watched DS

[BearySilly]

On holiday with in-laws and we are all taking it in turns to cook dinner. On me and DH's night I cooked and he was watching the kids but then FIL asked him to help with something around the house that really couldn't wait. Everyone else was out or busy so I asked SIL to watch 10mo DS. She did for a while but then when I looked round he was crawling around the kitchen by himself and she was on the sofa playing video games. She totally ignored me as I cooked, laid the table and minded DS and DD.

I think she was very rude but DH thinks that she's just one of those people who thinks "your kids, your problem" and, as she and BIL had cooked a couple of nights before she felt like she'd done her bit.

I'm biased against her as she and BIL (she's his gf) stayed with us for 10 days and she was the laziest most ungrateful house guest I've ever had. My cooking was not up to scratch, she never helped clean up after dinner and she just generally made everything more difficult despite insisting she was staying with us to "help out".

Actually I’d go further and say that on your next turn to cook for everyone you will just be making something quick and simple like you would at home. I think it’s very unreasonable to expect you to mind the children AS WELL AS cook a fancy meal for 8 or however many there are, as that means it’s harder for you than it would be at home. It is supposed to be a holiday, complicated big family meals are all well and good but it does require planning and all mucking in. Especially when you’ve got children on the mix.

She did for a while but then when I looked round he was crawling around the kitchen by himself and she was on the sofa playing video games. She totally ignored me as I cooked, laid the table and minded DS and DD.

Why did you not say anything - was martyrdom preferable?
"Oi - SiL! - I thought you were minding your nephew! - Can you focus on him while I finish up here, or do I need to ask somebody else to take over while you look at your phone?"

I should have done that! I guess even though I personally would not behave like that I do agree that he's my baby and ultimately my responsibility.

It's really not DH's problem. When I realised we were about to have no power I told him to go with FIL and fix it and I'd deal with kids/cooking. Noone else was around except SIL hence asking her. What they were doing I don't know. If she had gone and hidden in her room I'd have been none the wiser and just made do but she insists on lounging in full view while you work around her.

Yes this ^^ Speak up at the time.

No, as so many pps have said, SIL didn't have to watch your baby OP.

But what a selfish, lazy attitude towards a family member who's actually cooking dinner that I assume, SIL is going to eat and, no doubt she (SIL) will also benefit from the generator being fixed.

Nobody has to help anybody, that's true but what a nasty, mean spirited attitude to go through life with.

I don't think yabu. A lot of people have said 'your baby, your problem' but that's not how families should work in my opinion. You already know what she's like given your previous experiences with her being lazy so just don't expect anything from her in the future. But don't judge by Mumsnet standards.

Nobody has to help anybody, that's true but what a nasty, mean spirited attitude to go through life with.

Precisely, so odd.

And your BIL? Was he one of the people who were “out” or were “ busy”?

but she insists on lounging in full view while you work around her. So opt out of the food preparation
explain you’re occupied watching the children. Family inc SIL can sort out a cooking
Stop inviting her for extended 10am stay
Speak up at the time don’t ruminate on events

My sister and cousin are a bit like this. Neither have kids and whilst they love taking cute selfies with DD and bragging about 'being an aunty' on social media, if I ask them to say, go upstairs with her for the millionth time so I can drink my tea, they will smirk at me and say 'no, you chose to have children '. I find it really unpleasant tbh and as a result spend less time with them. I know they don't HAVE to look after her but I kind of thought they might want to spend time with DD and maybe help me, as I would do for them. In the situation you've described I would view asking SIL to watch the kids the same as if you'd asked her to scrape carrots or set the table and she hadn't done it- you just needed something covered whilst you cooked for everyone. So I don't think YABU.

I couldn't do that, I wanted to eat too! Plus I like my family and wanted to make them a nice meal which I did do even with a baby on my hip. Yes, I shan't dwell on it (especially as I don't see her often, definitely no more visits on the horizon!). I only made the thread as DH though she was being reasonable (albeit annoying for us) whereas I thought she was totally unreasonable.

BIL was clearly doing important man things that meant they couldn't possibly to childcare, just like DH and FIL.

In that case I'd have cooked for myself and my kids and everyone else can sort themselves out 🙄 glad I'm not in your 'every man for himself ' family!

If she ever asks you to watch her kids remind her of this behaviour.

Sounds like hell.
Is it really worth going on holiday with them when to have 2 young children?

You’re quite the martyr then if you cook on feeling the family are lazy and should do more
you don’t speak up at time,but you seethe about it
you don’t like SIL as a houseguest as she’s ungrateful. Do you address this? Or quietly seethe
I wouldn’t have family for 10 day on the trot as guests

I think if I couldn't cook and watch my own children, I would have stopped cooking until DH got back instead of passing the childcare on to someone else. I imagine you would have been annoyed if BIL/SIL had delegated some of their tasks to you to do on their night to cook because they wanted to focus on the cooking.

That was something I said to DH, "just wait when they have kids in the future" but I don't think I could do it! You do keep a tally though. My other BIL and my sisters have been such an amazing help and we'll definitely be repaying that help in spades when the time comes. Annoying BIL and SIL not so much. But then I'm sure I'll love their kids and want to spend time with them too!

YANBU but do you like going on holiday with in-laws and his family if they are this unhelpful?

We had the same on holiday but with MIL who expected me to cook, look after children and tidy up all their toys all at the same time. If not she’d moan about the mess. So we never went on holiday with them again.

She sounds lazy and rude and I have no idea why your DH thinks this is fine. What if your child had had an accident because nobody was watching him?

SIL doesn't have to agree to help, especially if she saw it as a help with cooking, not with fixing the power. Being in the same area doesn't make her responsible and they did their cooking deal

However, once SIL agreed to look after the children, she is very unreasonable to ghost them. She took the baton and she is responsible for the children until she hand them over to another adult.

I do like holidaying with them. This was the first time SIL joined us (I say SIL for simplicity, she's actually my BIL's girlfriend).

If you knew she was lazy you probably knew what to expect. But I wouldn’t do anything for her anymore. No invites round and no help on their night to cook etc… just do you

Can you clarify op if there was anyone else at home at the time who could have done it, or only your bill's girlfriend?

I'd call that just being a good human being more than anything else. So yeah she's unreasonable in my view. You don't have to like children, be good with children or have any remote interest in children - to be capable of 10-30 mins watching a kid.... when other adults are in a bind making your bloody dinner. You didnt ask her to feed, change or do anything other 'watch the baby' to make sure he didn't get into anything dangerous. She failed.

Let's hope this gf doesn't make it into your family!

Other responses are nuts. It's not about division of labour - you're on a family holiday. You're making dinner, your DH is restoring power. Your SIL was doing nothing....

It really is just being a decent human.

Yes, I was hoping she'd pulled her act together a bit as we did have words about her behaviour when she stayed with us. I don't think it really sank in though. I shan't make the same mistake again especially where the DC are involved because of safety issues.