To upend my settled family because I’m unhappy in the middle of rural nowhere?

[OpheliaPlum]

We live in a rural area. Lovely house, space, big garden. No public transport, no shops, no amenities basically, and fast country roads with no pavements so we have to drive to get anywhere. We moved here 8 years ago because of DH’s then job and a lovely primary in the next village. I work in a creative industry and there is a shared workspace I drive to. I used to WFH but became so isolated in lockdowns after lockdowns I found a place to work alongside others, but it’s not an office, but shared space for freelance artists etc.

My eldest DC has just transferred to secondary school in September. We all wake at 6am every day and I drive DH to the station and the DC to their schools. Since the secondary transfer, I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school. From the primary school there’s a backroad to the secondary so it makes sense for me to drive. At weekends my DC have different activities in different places and understandably want to see friends. My DH and I spend a lot of the weekend driving and hanging about in locations far from home. We do this separately so the other can get on with the endless laundry, maintaining the garden, all very practical, but increasingly we have very limited family time.

This June my DH got a new job so we don’t need to be in this area for his work any more. During covid I started doing some online uni teaching of my work. I visited the place I was teaching at in the summer for the first time in person and taught a special summer school. I felt so alive and connected to like minded people and it made me realise how isolated I am in the countryside.

There is a fixed term 3 year contract coming up at the uni. There is a possibility of a permanent job after that but the HE sector seems to be imploding and I am not sure how realistic the permanent contact would be. It would be 2 days teaching and studio space for my own creative practice. It is 3 hours from where we live.

My DH commutes to an office but has said he could transfer to work close to that town or change to a role with more WFH. He has very specialised skills and works in an industry that exists everywhere (like for an energy company, but not quite that).

I’d really like to apply for this job and if I get it, move the family. My children are adamant they do not want to leave. My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up. My younger DC love the countryside. We have a big garden, a dog, ducks, rabbits, and they love that life. I feel very selfish but also can’t get the fantasy of living in a buzzing town, being able to share my passion with the next generation, even walk to a cafe out of my head. I feel very tied to driving children everywhere and am under so much time pressure since the secondary transfer that it’s brought me to tears. It feels very melodramatic but I feel as if my needs have become crushed living here.

The deadline to apply is very soon. It isn’t a common opportunity at all, but I’m really not sure what to do as it is potentially just a three year role. I can imagine living in the town when the role comes to an end and my DH and I could both work from there. Also we don’t have any family close to where we live now but can visit family either side within a couple of hours. If we move it would be a half day journey to visit family.

Please help me think this through.

But then again @ping78 , a school move at year 9 was a disaster for my dc’s mental health (and they wanted to move) so you just can’t make assumptions. Although I agree that parental mental health is extremely important too.

What is this insistence that despite being extremely happy in their rural home - they will be 'thankful' when they are teens. ?

My seven dc/dsc have all been bought up in what sounds like an identical rural space. You could not get further from 'God forsaken' as described up thread. We would call it an idyll.

None of them once complained about 'being in the middle of nowhere' . They all became teenagers at some point but that just meant more driving /drop offs. We also had an open sleepover policy (any child could sleep over at ours with their parents permission) ... and I don't think we had a weekend without at least 10 kids in the house between 2008-2018.: They loved it and their friends loved it because it was different. When they wanted to go to Town we took them and as Teens they stayed over..

Please don't assume all Teens hanker after living in town.

On to the dilemma !

The ONLY person who wants to move from the country is you.

YOU are important. However you are torn between upsetting yourself and unsettling and upsetting the kids. So the key is compromise.

It seems obvious to me that this can be achieved by you 'working away' .

Why is this so incredibly common for men - how many threads on here EVERYDAY that start 'DH works away and comes home weekends' ? but the thought of a woman doing this is a MASSIVE deal. ? Your DH can move to a WfH role - so get him to do that. He can then take on the school run.

You stay away at least 3 nights a week and get your 'town fix' . The kids are at an age where there is no parenting that can't be done by a man just as well as a woman ..

Ultimately you don't know until you try and there are too many variables to go upending the rest of the families lives until more things are known.

You may not get the job
You may not like the job
You may find staying away is fantastic especially in a new job where you can focus entirely on that.
You may miss the kids/DH too much.
The kids/DH may miss you too much
They may change their minds and want to move to be together.
You might decide you would rather be with them back home.

Many many families (mine included) followed a parent around because of their jobs . Until my mother put her foot down and said no. Then he worked away . We only moved for the final time when he had been working away for three years and knew that it would e our last move.

YABU

It’s not fair to uproot your entire family because of a fantasy you’ve got in your head.

You’ll spend a few weeks in a big, buzzing city and then the reality will hit - smaller homes and gardens, less parking, less down time, having to drive somewhere just to get some peace etc.

The grass isn’t always greener.

I would wait until the younger ones are in secondary school and then move closer to the secondary school.

But I wouldn’t jump to a city, I would go to a town so you have the best of both worlds.

@SixDinnerSally exactly, you can't make assumptions, throwing words around like traumatic is ridiculous (I know that wasn't you). Millions of children move and whilst there will be varying reactions many will get on with it and move on fine in time. The younger you do it the better of course.

The school transport situation is odd.

Councils are required to provide transport for kids who live further from school. Where there aren't busses available this can even mean taxis sent to your home.

Is it your nearest school? If you could get rid of the school run issue wouldn't that help you have more choice about where you work etc? It sounds like you do need face to face work but does it have to be 3 hours away?

Raising eyebrows at children permanently 'traumatised' by a single, well-facilitated move!

OP currently services everyone else's needs, and whims, at the expense of her own wellbeing. This setup does not create healthy attitudes in children. Girls will underachieve and place themselves second their entire lives; boys will always see women as less, and feel entitled to use them to further their own goals. No amount of ducks and rabbits and rural idyll can counteract that basic message.

@OpheliaPlum My parents moved cross country 3 times in my first year of secondary, it has had a lasting impact on me. We ended up in the country during teenage years and it was difficult with limited/no public transport.

However, I think you should apply for the job and move, a happy and fulfilled parent is important for children too. As pp have said good public transport and being close to everything will make a difference as your children grow.

Do consider if it would be beneficial for your DC at secondary to drop down a year so they start with everyone else next September. I was a summer birthday, young for my age and was not as academic as my sibling - dropping down a year and starting secondary school again would have helped me enormously.

If you're that far away from secondary then there will be school transport provided. You mention a bus in one of your posts. Either drop the eldest at the bus stop to wait with friends and then take youngest to school or get a friend to take youngest to school or pop them in breakfast club which they will enjoy while you drive eldest to the bus stop. That's a much easier and more straight forward change than moving and eases the burden on you for now.

On moving away - we've been in a similar position recently. We are a small village with no shop or public transport, we do have a pub though. I had completely talked up the idea of moving to a large town, we had even gone so far as telling everyone it was the plan and selling off all our livestock. We had been looking at lovely houses on rightmove and I'd completely romanticised the decision.

We booked a viewing on a really exciting house and went to look at it. And that was when the bubble burst. Standing in it, the idea of the proximity of neighbours on all 3 sides, the tiny garden, the traffic we got stuck in for 45 mins for what should have been a 15 journey!! Realising that walking from that house to the secondary school would take longer than our current drive and that driving would take longer still due to traffic. I did a u-turn there and then and when we got home I saw it very differently.

We rent so our situation is slightly different than yours but I honestly wouldn't underestimate the reality of living in a town if you are used to rural living. Make changes to the logistics of your lives instead, especially the ridiculous 90 minute school run and like others have said, maybe stay away from home for one or two nights a week instead and see if that's a good option. If you've got more money coming in you might be able to rent a room in the town where the new role is and stay there some nights? Either way I'd caution you on deciding to leave a village setting if you've lived there for years.

I would tread very carefully with moving from a smaller secondary school with a wide, rural intake to a school in/ on the outskirts of a city or a large town. Your dcs will have been massively protected by going to the nice village school and the secondary, which I am imagining has a lot of children from rural areas.

My dd went to a large secondary for a couple of years as there was no space for the local much smaller, more rural based schools we would have preferred to send her. It seemed fine at first but as she progressed, it was obvious dd couldn’t cope with the way the school treated the students, the behaviour of some children, toxic masculinity and violence. Dd wasn’t bullied but she was completely stifled, hardly making any progress all in the attempt not to put a step wrong.

Dd has changed now to private school and very happy when she and her friends hated school before. Your dcs might love it btw but there has been a trickle of children out of the school dd went to both and after her. I know of a handful, who aren’t even getting a proper education now but they couldn’t cope with school anymore and their parents can’t afford independent school fees.

So if you do move, I wouldn’t just be looking at catchment for the local outstanding school, I’d be looking at the ethos of the school, interviewing the head and asking about the senior leadership team etc. Outstanding doesn’t equal happy students and cast iron safeguarding. I’m sure you can get more info on the education boards about this and can ask about specific schools.

I agree with others saying you dcs won’t enjoy living remotely once they reach their teens. Perhaps you’ve answered this already, but I also would be looking to move to the where the school is based or a town with a station and keep your dcs in catchment for the current school… that is if the reputation if the secondary is very good.

And sometimes a school move is needed for the opportunity to restore MH.

I don’t think anyone should underestimate the risks as even where the DCs want to move it might not work out for them. It just means we need to be closely attuned to their MH if they stay or leave a school.

But as a family to future proof all of their sanity they at least need a better house location locally as current set up with 3 teens is unsustainable.

I see you’ve already put the house on the market. Well done OP.

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/nov/19/skiddaw-house-market-for-sale-lake-district

Move. Those of us brought up rurally are very lacking in the ways of the townies! I am super confident but there's a different confidence for those raised non rurally. Your children will just need to suck it up.

Even if you don't move, you need to make changes so that you aren't living half in the car. That's no way to live. The kids might not be happy about that either, but you matter as much as they do. Compromises need to be made. Sometimes you can't have it all. They may need less activities if you don't move, or they can keep up more activities if you do move and they can be more independent. Either way, you need to look at the amount of driving as it's making you miserable. Your mental health counts too.

He should, but it doesn't sound like him taking over more of the driving is going to make this lifestyle sustainable either.

OP has said that if DH does do more of the school drop offs, he's in work later (bear in mind he'll have to negotiate rural trains so it isn't necessarily a case of just make the time up then go whenever) and then he's making it up at weekends. By the sound of things they both do a fair bit of ferrying about then, so I can quite see why she would feel him doing more during the week that then has to be made up another time is robbing Peter to pay Paul.

The problem is that this isn't a lifestyle that can be sustained without a massive amount of ferrying around. The 8 year old is presumably in either Year 3 or Year 4, meaning there could be two different school runs for nearly another four years, and the 11 year old's desire to be out of the home is likely to increase over the next few years. It's just a lot for parents to pick up, and if the overall workload isn't going to decrease, there's only so much that one person doing more of the driving is going to change.

It was for me. Poorly handled and I underachieved.

It’s so lovely to see that your husband is supportive of it! So many threads now days are about selfish husbands.

Id go for it! Your mental health is important and once the kids are moved I’m sure they’ll love it and they’re at the age where they can adapt to change a bit more and it’s before tbey do GCSEs etc. I’d go for it!

@Endlesssummer2022 that made me smile

Apply for the job - of you are offered it you make your decision then.

that way you are exploring a potential move.

and, you and your husband are the adults and earn the money - it sounds like the current set up is making you unhappy and giving you no spare time at all. Your happiness counts alongside your children’s.

Sorry OP, haven't RTFT.

Personally, I would be reluctant to uproot happy DC for the sake of a three year contract. Also, as someone who had a career change from financial services to academia in her 30s, I wouldn't necessarily make that change to reduce your stress. Two days teaching will likely mean at least four days of work so you won't be left with much time for your own work.

Having said that, where you are clearly isn't working for you. Do most DC in the secondary school live near it? If so I'd look at moving in that direction so that your DC aren't socially isolated, it also means you know when the long school runs will end and you can count down to the youngest finishing primary school!

In the meantime, is there a parent at the primary school who would do the morning run for you in exchange for a few quid so that you can drop secondary DC to the bus?

Hi op, I grew up somewhere like where you live. It was vile. I moved to London for university and stayed here. I'm south east London til I die!
I felt guilty reading your post as my dad spent a lot of his spare time driving me around. It struck me that the main reason your kids like their present living conditions is you. You sound like a great parent and you drive them everywhere as if they were Lady Penelope!
Obviously there isn't an easy answer or you would be doing it but I would have loved it if my parents had moved when I was 8 or 11. I'm a secondary school teacher and kids are very changeable. I wouldn't run my life based on the judgement of a year 7 student.

Sorry but I do think YWBU to move when it seems like the place you live works for your family and your eldest is happy at school. The school run sounds like it would get easier as your kids get older, and I also agree that your DH should ideally do a bit more of the school runs if he can. All the things you enjoyed about the town would likely pale into insignificance if your kids are miserable. And yes, what if you hate the job? Can you take the job but then think about moving within your local area to somewhere closer to bus stops/ other transport but where your eldest can stay at his current school? And yes I agree, you should consider commuting for a while if you can.

The grass is always greener…
However, the novelty of being able to walk along polluted streets to pay £4 for a cup of coffee will soon wane. Stay where you are.

@Glorified i completely agree and agree with your earlier posts too. I just mean that sometimes a move that can be designed to protect or restore mental health can (sadly) backfire. You can definitely future proof for logistics but not for mental health (Not saying that you’re claiming this!)

You have three problems:
1 your time wasted driving
2 the dream job.
3 The children have legitimate preferences not to change schools.
I would start house-hunting near the school/the station. You can solve problems 1 and 3.

fuck the ducks and rabbits though - let the children complain and experience nostalgia for them - it will do the kids no harm at all!

Honestly, do not do anything dictated by a 12-year-old. I look back and I nearly killed myself to keep my kids in private school. The little beasts announced 10 years later they hated it. I do still think it was the right thing to do from an educational point of view, because they came on leaps and bounds but that’s not the bloody point. They were there to make friends and socialise, and apparently that was the absolute worst of it.