To upend my settled family because I’m unhappy in the middle of rural nowhere?

[OpheliaPlum]

We live in a rural area. Lovely house, space, big garden. No public transport, no shops, no amenities basically, and fast country roads with no pavements so we have to drive to get anywhere. We moved here 8 years ago because of DH’s then job and a lovely primary in the next village. I work in a creative industry and there is a shared workspace I drive to. I used to WFH but became so isolated in lockdowns after lockdowns I found a place to work alongside others, but it’s not an office, but shared space for freelance artists etc.

My eldest DC has just transferred to secondary school in September. We all wake at 6am every day and I drive DH to the station and the DC to their schools. Since the secondary transfer, I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school. From the primary school there’s a backroad to the secondary so it makes sense for me to drive. At weekends my DC have different activities in different places and understandably want to see friends. My DH and I spend a lot of the weekend driving and hanging about in locations far from home. We do this separately so the other can get on with the endless laundry, maintaining the garden, all very practical, but increasingly we have very limited family time.

This June my DH got a new job so we don’t need to be in this area for his work any more. During covid I started doing some online uni teaching of my work. I visited the place I was teaching at in the summer for the first time in person and taught a special summer school. I felt so alive and connected to like minded people and it made me realise how isolated I am in the countryside.

There is a fixed term 3 year contract coming up at the uni. There is a possibility of a permanent job after that but the HE sector seems to be imploding and I am not sure how realistic the permanent contact would be. It would be 2 days teaching and studio space for my own creative practice. It is 3 hours from where we live.

My DH commutes to an office but has said he could transfer to work close to that town or change to a role with more WFH. He has very specialised skills and works in an industry that exists everywhere (like for an energy company, but not quite that).

I’d really like to apply for this job and if I get it, move the family. My children are adamant they do not want to leave. My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up. My younger DC love the countryside. We have a big garden, a dog, ducks, rabbits, and they love that life. I feel very selfish but also can’t get the fantasy of living in a buzzing town, being able to share my passion with the next generation, even walk to a cafe out of my head. I feel very tied to driving children everywhere and am under so much time pressure since the secondary transfer that it’s brought me to tears. It feels very melodramatic but I feel as if my needs have become crushed living here.

The deadline to apply is very soon. It isn’t a common opportunity at all, but I’m really not sure what to do as it is potentially just a three year role. I can imagine living in the town when the role comes to an end and my DH and I could both work from there. Also we don’t have any family close to where we live now but can visit family either side within a couple of hours. If we move it would be a half day journey to visit family.

Please help me think this through.

There are not many people fantasising about 16 hours a week on the school run and a rat run outside their house.

I feel cold, muddy, wet, panicky, trapped, bored, cabin-fever-y and isolated after about 5 minutes in the countryside, and properly freaked out if I can't walk to at least 10 shops and several bus stops in under 5 mins. I also have never bothered learning to drive. Can you tell I'm London born and bred? ;-)

I totally agree with this. I’ve done town and city living (lived in Central London for 30 years) and now, like the OP, live rurally, with no public transport or shops. We moved out of the city to start a family. I would never move back! For me, the benefits of country living to both our mental
and physical health hugely outweigh the ‘convenience’ of being able to pop to the shops.

OP, your children clearly love their current idyllic lifestyle and who can blame them! Do you really want to be amongst crowds, pollution, noise and crime when you have peace, tranquillity, cleaner air, beautiful surroundings, wildlife at your disposal. Think hard before moving your family to the burbs, the grass isn’t always greener and all that. A rural upbringing is a wonderful and privileged thing.

Everyone I met at university who had grown up in the countryside absolutely hated it throughout their teens. And who could blame them? Teenagers don't want 'peace and tranquillity and wildlife'. They want actual life.

Nonsense. I grew up rurally and would have hated growing up in London! I felt privileged to have such an idyllic lifestyle, horse riding, mountain biking on my doorstep, fresh air, surrounded by beauty and wildlife, and I felt so safe! My childhood was a dream and I would hate to bring children up in London, crime, gangs, pollution, noise, crowds, ugh. All way too stressful. I lived there for 30 years so know the reality of London all too well. I continue to work there two days a week and it’s much worse now than when I lived there. So edgy, and not in a good way.

I would have felt utterly stifled living somewhere urban, I had a wonderful outdoorsy upbringing surrounded by endless space to roam. You just cannot replicate that lifestyle living in London. So, I have to object to your insistence that children living rurally would be ‘jealous’ of your kids living in London!! Utter nonsense 😂

Your life doesn't sound much fun. But I do think you are considering extremes. Is there nowhere closer? Does it have to be right now, or is there a period where your children will more naturally be able to move schools?

My dad was a diplomat so we moved constantly in my childhood. It was ok, but hard sometimes. Things that made it easier was moving to a school where others came and went (e.g. international school or in a big city, worst move was to a small local school where everyone (other than me) had known each other since preschool and friendships were firmly established and they weren't used to new kids with different backgrounds) or at a new school stage where other kids also moved (e.g. going from secondary to college). You might want to consider which of your children would be most resilient to change at a less opportune time.

Growing up in the countryside and then spending your pre-kids adult life living in Central London doesn't remotely represent the experience of growing up here.

You don't understand what it is to grow up in London as part of a community, to mix with and get to know people from all over the world, to experience a huge range of cultures and languages and to have so many different experiences.

My kids are the 4th generation in my family to grow up as Londoners and I would absolutely hate for them to have been deprived of all of that.

'endless space to roam' = a lot of nothingness.

The OP describes a rat run with cars screeching past her house at 70 mph, so I'm not sure the tranquility and lack of noise are big draws here.

Op I live rurally - I have also spent decades living in London. I too, have teens that adore living here and would never dream of moving! So I am with you in every sense of the word.

The congestion and traffic in towns and cities is a nightmare, you are not going to save any time at all by moving in that sense simply for more convenience. That is just part and parcel of ferrying around young people to sports, hobbies and parties if you are the kind of parent that wishes to support your child.

There are other issues to consider. Your teens are likely to be less safe and more likely to be exposed to dangerous people, drugs, pollution and gangs in cities. What you see as a wonderful cultural life you are probably not seeing the other side of city life, which is not the rich tapestry of life at all but a dangerous underbelly of crime.

Your children love the countryside, and it would be pretty terrible to uproot them all now. I would see it through there, and plan to move in the next chapter once they are all moved out and in university.

I would organise plenty of city breaks and work towards deciding which area you are most keen to move to, and take your time. I think we all get itchy feet when we live in any area for too long, and think the grass is greener but honesty sometimes it is just boredom. Spend more time in your nearest city - visiting the theatre, museums and join some societies etc. You can potentially have the best of both worlds with some research.

I would seriously consider renting an air bnb for a month or two before moving anywhere permanently - in January preferably - it is a major move and one you can not undo once you have bought a house there.

I sometimes get fed up with the driving, but I remember the fresh air, wildlife and tranquility and I am not sure I can give it up! Plenty of European city breaks seems to work as a good counter balance for us.

I can never get over how bloody filthy cities and towns are either!! And the relentless noise, I think you are romanticising the reality somewhat.

It is so hard to make new friends once you get to teenage stage, I think what you are considering is quite selfish for that reason.

Grew up rurally and hated it, the reliance on lifts was terrible. How old is your eldest?

I think you should go for it, you sound unhappy and the way you feel won't change but the children really do adapt quickly at this age as much as they protest now they've will settle in and be happy after a while. It will be worth the upheaval in the long run.

My dc would never forgive me for moving them now. They have tons of lovely friends and by this stage, really love their homes and areas. My view is that when you moved there, you made a commitment to raise country kids, and now need to see it through. Your needs def don't trump theirs.

Book some trips to get your cultural needs met, and make more friends where you live.

Huh? Why is it a ‘need’ of the kids to stay in the country, rather than a want? And surely, in a family, the wants and needs of all members matter, not just those of the kids (who aren’t at an age where they can see the big picture anyway).

I can relate to a lot of this.

As your kids get older they probably won't want to be living remotely anyway and will be itching to be living in a town!

Your previous post makes it clear you prefer your current countryside living to towns/cities anwyay so it's not really comparing like with like. It's easy to say someone else should be a matyr.

We moved from somewhere that sounds v similar, when kids were around 11 and 12. They love living in a town, with buses, a station and friends close by. They are gaining so much independence.

It is only for a few years. Not forever.
I don't think uprooting teens is ever a good idea, unless you absolutely can not avoid it. Most won't adjust well, particularly if their starting point is that they really don't want to leave.
It is really selfish. And may well be worrying op's children.

It would be different if they were younger. I know so many people that still talk about the damage their moves as teenagers caused, my own DM included.

A feeling of belonging, security and safety and fitting in is extremely important to teens. More so than at any other age.

I spent a lot of my time living as a teen in London and simply do not recognise your description!

I was regularly sexually assaulted on the tube and buses. I was followed home three times, one of those times I was nearly dragged into a waiting car full of men. I have been terrified by mentally unwell patients screaming and shouting on the underground, and around Oxford St one of whom memorably had a pickaxe. Most of my friends had limitless access to drugs and used the networks profusely. You could not relax for one bloody minute, I was on my guard 247. A simple night out required military planning to get home safely again and taxis were a total nightmare. We tried to use the same chaps so we knew who we would get. Every single time was hard work.

It was somehow even worse in the rain and winter, and the dark when we had to get home. And stifling and boiling in the summer.

The reality versus the fantasy land you project is weird.

I would also add that racial under tones of your post, we do have ethnic minorities in the countryside as well you know!! It is not the 1950s! We have a lovely diverse range of friends here.

Londoner born and bred I simply don’t recognise this level of hysteria.

it's only for a few years

Well, the smallest is 8 (I don't think the OP has said the age of the eldest) and given many kids live at home until way into early twenties you're suddenly looking at a likely decade and a half.

I'm not pretending there's an easy solution. But a miserable mother rarely begets happy kids. The question I'd ask is whether the OP's desire is a flight of fancy or a real, deep-rooted need.

I'm also London born and bred. Agree. That person's post sounds like an insane fantasy. It's nothing like that at all.

Have been taking myself for 40+ years, and my kids for 12+ years, on tubes and buses most days. Never encountered 'mentally ill people screaming and shouting', let alone 'wielding a pickaxe'!

Nor have I been 'regularly sexually assaulted'

My parents are both still quite happy to travel by tube in their mid-70s.

I've never found getting home at night difficult at all. Let alone requiring 'military precision.

I would also add that racial under tones of your post, we do have ethnic minorities in the countryside as well you know!! It is not the 1950s! We have a lovely diverse range of friends here.

This really does show a lack of understanding. I'm not white British and I would not want to bring my kids up in the countryside for that reason among others.

Yeah that’s not my experience either

I haven’t read all the replies but it sounds like you’ve had similar responses. If the family aren’t keen to relocate entirely, I’d suggest moving somewhere where the kids can stay at the same school but is less rural. If as you say, you could do that job without relocating, even better. If not, a local move, to somewhere less remote, would make life easier for you all for getting the kids to to school, visiting their friends, etc and that sounds like half the goal. we relocated at the end of last year to be closer to family and took the opportunity to live less remotely. We moved from what most would consider to be idyllic village life in the countryside to a possibly less desirable town. The move was hard for our eldest, leaving his school and friends but now that he’s settled in he loves it and we’re all happier, with MUCH better social lives than we used to have!