To upend my settled family because I’m unhappy in the middle of rural nowhere?

[OpheliaPlum]

We live in a rural area. Lovely house, space, big garden. No public transport, no shops, no amenities basically, and fast country roads with no pavements so we have to drive to get anywhere. We moved here 8 years ago because of DH’s then job and a lovely primary in the next village. I work in a creative industry and there is a shared workspace I drive to. I used to WFH but became so isolated in lockdowns after lockdowns I found a place to work alongside others, but it’s not an office, but shared space for freelance artists etc.

My eldest DC has just transferred to secondary school in September. We all wake at 6am every day and I drive DH to the station and the DC to their schools. Since the secondary transfer, I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school. From the primary school there’s a backroad to the secondary so it makes sense for me to drive. At weekends my DC have different activities in different places and understandably want to see friends. My DH and I spend a lot of the weekend driving and hanging about in locations far from home. We do this separately so the other can get on with the endless laundry, maintaining the garden, all very practical, but increasingly we have very limited family time.

This June my DH got a new job so we don’t need to be in this area for his work any more. During covid I started doing some online uni teaching of my work. I visited the place I was teaching at in the summer for the first time in person and taught a special summer school. I felt so alive and connected to like minded people and it made me realise how isolated I am in the countryside.

There is a fixed term 3 year contract coming up at the uni. There is a possibility of a permanent job after that but the HE sector seems to be imploding and I am not sure how realistic the permanent contact would be. It would be 2 days teaching and studio space for my own creative practice. It is 3 hours from where we live.

My DH commutes to an office but has said he could transfer to work close to that town or change to a role with more WFH. He has very specialised skills and works in an industry that exists everywhere (like for an energy company, but not quite that).

I’d really like to apply for this job and if I get it, move the family. My children are adamant they do not want to leave. My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up. My younger DC love the countryside. We have a big garden, a dog, ducks, rabbits, and they love that life. I feel very selfish but also can’t get the fantasy of living in a buzzing town, being able to share my passion with the next generation, even walk to a cafe out of my head. I feel very tied to driving children everywhere and am under so much time pressure since the secondary transfer that it’s brought me to tears. It feels very melodramatic but I feel as if my needs have become crushed living here.

The deadline to apply is very soon. It isn’t a common opportunity at all, but I’m really not sure what to do as it is potentially just a three year role. I can imagine living in the town when the role comes to an end and my DH and I could both work from there. Also we don’t have any family close to where we live now but can visit family either side within a couple of hours. If we move it would be a half day journey to visit family.

Please help me think this through.

Could you not do something a bit less drastic, like move to the town where the secondary school is (so at least once all your kids are out of secondary, you’ll be free of school runs and presumably OH could get the train from the town).

I would move op. It is up to you and your dh and not the children. Obviously you need to consider their needs but to not move to a place which will have a considerable positive impact on your work life balance and mental health because your 12 year old isn’t keen does not sound a good idea to me. The dc as teens might love the town life and being able to be more independent and get around on their own without relying on you for lifts. Children do adapt.

I live just outside (10 minutes drive but limited busses and no safe walking route as we are off a dual carriageway ) the part of the city where my dcs friends go to school and even doing that drives me bananas as all their friends are much more independent. You setup sounds like my worst nightmare, though I know it’s complicated when dc are happy. Having the freedom to walk to the shops/for coffee is an underrated luxury. I really hope that you can work out a way to make it happen whilst keeping everyone happy!

Family life can be a lot like that where ever you are UNTIL about 12 plus when in a town your burden would likely lighten where as where you are that won’t happen till they are driving themselves.

Moving is perfectly reasonable, for everyone’s growth and ability to gain independence.

A sibling of mine had to change all her kids’ schools due to Covid, they couldn’t afford the fees any more as her DH’s business was deeply affected. They were sad to leave but it’s all been completely fine.

Again, fantastic advice.

The kids will adjust.

They have decades ahead to carve out a fulfilling life for themselves. You don't.

Apply for the job.

Your kids might like it now it sounds like they’re about what, 8 and 12ish? Of course a young one likes running about the garden and being outside but millions of kids aren’t brought up in the middle of no where and thrive. You can move to a semi with a garden and still have pet rabbits and a dog. I have a dog and live in a terrace! Why not join Cubs and do outdoorsy things that way and have other actual children to do those things with. And for your eldest, great that he likes school and it is a big ask for him to move secondary but if he’s only in year 7 he’s still very young and as he gets older he will want to be hanging out with friends, going to the cinema, etc, and who will be his taxi service ? You! I have friends who live rurally and they basically can’t even have a glass of wine after work on a Friday with dinner because their teens need ferrying from school to football practice then collected from a friends and then same starts again Saturday, there’s no other options and the kids won’t stay home. I know even in suburbia it can be like this but 16 year olds in suburban places can take buses, trains, metro link, tube, Uber. They can’t have their cake and eat it IMO, you could explain to your eldest that it’s not sustainable basically being his driver.

this is why I think living rurally only works if there’s buses or you’re in a village with amenities and a decent school transport service

And decades of rebuilding trust and relationship with the kids.

Your children's education and happiness is paramount and if they are as happy as you say it would be,in my opinion, cruel to uproot them .
This is about your happiness isn't it? Well,the children will be off before you know it and then you and dh can spend the rest of your lives doing what you both want,live how and where suits you.
But you moved the children there,they are happy,have stability and friends,pets they love.
To take away all of that for your own happiness is,imho,very selfish.
Parenting is about putting them first.

In your position, I'd move - accept that there will probably be tears but don't lose sleep over it. Sensible advice. I can't believe there are some people suggesting it would be better to work away from home three days a week than relocate. That's fine to tide you over if children are in the middle of an exam year, but as a permanent solution it sounds bonkers - especially as your DH would also be happy to move. If your kids have always lived in the same place then of course they won't want to leave - they can't imagine living anywhere else. But at the ages they are they soon settle in elsewhere and as they get older will be able to really appreciate the independence they can have living in a city (they are not yet old enough to realise this!) You have explained very clearly that the place you are living is not the place you imagined it would be, it's no longer even convenient for DH's job so of course you should move if you are successful in your job application. It's the obvious solution. For the record, we've moved our kids several times - international moves so there really has been no choice. They would always have protested they wanted to stay where they were, they've always been happy to have moved once they got there. We would never have left the decision to them - at that age they really are not old enough to know what is best for them. As parents, you decide what is best for your family. They will thank you for it.

and no pavements? as a runner you find paths, bridleways, cut throughs, permissive routes etc etc everywhere you can even see them on your phone maps now, there might not be pavements but it doesn't mean you can't walk

Apply for the job, and worry about it if you get offered it.

Personally I'd try not to uproot happy DCs from good schools, but I would look at moving to the town beside the secondary school to cut back on a lot of the driving and early morning starts.

If you get offered the job then it seems like you're only required in person 2- 3 days per week and presumably term time only. That seems doable with a cheap room at the other end. Means your DH would be able to take a more active role in the childcare activities.

Most of those routes are through muddy fields with no lighting - they're hardly safe walking routes for 8 and 11 year old children!

Means your DH would be able to take a more active role in the childcare activities.

And how would he fit in his working hours?

I would move. I grew up in a suburb, and was able to be independent and organise my own social life at secondary school. Friends within walking distance or a short bus ride away, so we could make arrangements spontaneously. Going to call on a friend and deciding we'd like to go and see another friend, or go to the cafe for ice cream, or whatever. Public transport available to take us to a variety of shopping centres , swimming baths, cinemas, parks etc.

Secondary school age children who need to be ferried everywhere by a parent miss out on so much.

will do

I wouldn't move my children from a settled and happy school unless I had no other choice. My parents had to and it was awful for me, I do think it matters what the children think and feel.

@OpheliaPlum
Have you spent the night worrying about this, you posted so early this morning !

Haven't read the full thread, this has probably already been mentioned, but
I spent 16 years in a semi rural setting, city was just 14 miles away, but the rural lane I lived on had HGVs going up and down, as there was also an industrial estate less than a mile away. Could you compromise and look for something semi rural but also close enough to your DC's current school (s) ?

We can’t walk. I live here, I really do know what I’m talking about.

Yes, and many other nights too recently.

It's clear that your current situation is not sustainable OP. Whether you apply for this job or not, and I think you're right to separate the two issues out, nothing you've said has suggested you're going to be able to weather perhaps another decade of this. The ferrying around is liable to get worse, not better, and it's already too much.

The children have the rest of their lives. They'll survive the move and OP deserves to be happy.

Children really shouldn't be consulted in these matters.

Children are not paramount. What rubbish.

And as others have said, they will gain independence and maturity by living in a city.

I didn't suggest consulting them, I suggested considering them. I only speak from my own experience of being moved, which was dreadful.

The job is a bit of a red herring because that isn’t the reason you’d be moving, it’s because you hate it, and I don’t blame you, it sounds like no life at all for you!

i think you should definitely move, if this job was longer term then to near there but given everything else in your posts regarding family, schooling etc then just to the local town near your eldests school. They will definitely value the independence this brings when they get older. Good luck OP

as a side I do think you should apply for the job and think about how it could work if you get it