To upend my settled family because I’m unhappy in the middle of rural nowhere?

[OpheliaPlum]

We live in a rural area. Lovely house, space, big garden. No public transport, no shops, no amenities basically, and fast country roads with no pavements so we have to drive to get anywhere. We moved here 8 years ago because of DH’s then job and a lovely primary in the next village. I work in a creative industry and there is a shared workspace I drive to. I used to WFH but became so isolated in lockdowns after lockdowns I found a place to work alongside others, but it’s not an office, but shared space for freelance artists etc.

My eldest DC has just transferred to secondary school in September. We all wake at 6am every day and I drive DH to the station and the DC to their schools. Since the secondary transfer, I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school. From the primary school there’s a backroad to the secondary so it makes sense for me to drive. At weekends my DC have different activities in different places and understandably want to see friends. My DH and I spend a lot of the weekend driving and hanging about in locations far from home. We do this separately so the other can get on with the endless laundry, maintaining the garden, all very practical, but increasingly we have very limited family time.

This June my DH got a new job so we don’t need to be in this area for his work any more. During covid I started doing some online uni teaching of my work. I visited the place I was teaching at in the summer for the first time in person and taught a special summer school. I felt so alive and connected to like minded people and it made me realise how isolated I am in the countryside.

There is a fixed term 3 year contract coming up at the uni. There is a possibility of a permanent job after that but the HE sector seems to be imploding and I am not sure how realistic the permanent contact would be. It would be 2 days teaching and studio space for my own creative practice. It is 3 hours from where we live.

My DH commutes to an office but has said he could transfer to work close to that town or change to a role with more WFH. He has very specialised skills and works in an industry that exists everywhere (like for an energy company, but not quite that).

I’d really like to apply for this job and if I get it, move the family. My children are adamant they do not want to leave. My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up. My younger DC love the countryside. We have a big garden, a dog, ducks, rabbits, and they love that life. I feel very selfish but also can’t get the fantasy of living in a buzzing town, being able to share my passion with the next generation, even walk to a cafe out of my head. I feel very tied to driving children everywhere and am under so much time pressure since the secondary transfer that it’s brought me to tears. It feels very melodramatic but I feel as if my needs have become crushed living here.

The deadline to apply is very soon. It isn’t a common opportunity at all, but I’m really not sure what to do as it is potentially just a three year role. I can imagine living in the town when the role comes to an end and my DH and I could both work from there. Also we don’t have any family close to where we live now but can visit family either side within a couple of hours. If we move it would be a half day journey to visit family.

Please help me think this through.

I don't understand why your happiness trumps your children's happiness and why they should be the ones who have to 'adapt.' My own parents uprooted our lives when I was ten and I've never forgotten that gut wrenching feeling of leaving my lovely school and friends.

The children enjoy their lifestyle because you enable it by driving. If you were ill, injured or snowed in, it would be game over.
The children will adjust. The teen will adapt to a much more independent lifestyle once living in a town where he can meet friends from school and get himself home.
I don't think your rural lifestyle is sustainable without sacrificing yourself.
People have to move for jobs or family support and no one judges them.
If they leave to go to University, what future is there for them where you are now.

The children enjoy their lifestyle because you enable it by driving. If you were ill, injured or snowed in, it would be game over.

This is a very good point.

The OP describes 16 hours a week on school runs, plus her and DH spending a good chunk of their respective weekends driving the kids to places and hanging around. That potentially adds up to not far shy of another full time job between them, or certainly a pretty chunky part time one, in order to keep the show on the road. That's before any of them are teens and wanting to go out in the evening. There are a lot of ducks that need to be in place in order for that to be able to happen, even setting aside the OPs own happiness and exhaustion. A sudden broken limb or illness to either parent, the sort of thing that happens all the time, and it all collapses. There's no slack in this arrangement.

I don't understand why your happiness trumps your children's happiness and why they should be the ones who have to 'adapt.'

Elder DC is at a stage when his life is changing anyway. He is past the age when playdates and activities are arranged by parents. At school, his friends will be making plans for the weekend, and he will always be the one who has to say 'I'll have to ask my mum'. What if mum isn't available, because she's already agreed to take dc2 somewhere else in the opposite direction? And what teenage boy wants to have to say he'll need to ask his mum every time a plan is proposed?

I agree with a previous suggestion, move to the closest town, hopefully where this secondary school is. Then you get more human interaction/pavements and facilities and the kids will probably prefer it. You don’t need to uproot the kids. I also think that you should consider their personalities, some kids find it harder to make new friends and don’t adjust as well to change as others.

Move. There will be more opportunities for your children in a town or city, even if they don’t recognize that now.

Your children can decide where they want to live when they’re paying to house themselves.

Apply for job and take it from there.
Unless your going to London uni most cities have nice country just outside a train ride away. So you could work in city and still live semi rural esp if you pick area near secondary school.

Other alternative is to move nearer dc secondary school then commute to primary.

But she doesn't want to live rural.

Exactly!

They do not know what is best for them. Resisting a move is normal but they'll adapt.

We moved to Brasil in the 1970s for dad's work; reluctant but it turned out to be a life-changing experience.

We're currently planning to move our family across the country from a rural village to a town/suburb area in 2024. They will be 14, 17 and 18 so awkward ages and not ideal. But we can't/couldn't do it sooner and later won't work either. We've already told them the plan and given them time to get used to the idea, which I think is important.

Older 2 are fully on board as they currently feel the restrictions of needing lifts everywhere and not being able to get weekend jobs (DS1 now does have one at the local pub, but he got lucky). Also college options here are not great and are hard to get to. Nearest uni is an hour drive away and not particularly good. Housing costs are high so most DCs have to live at home if they don't go to uni. Not many jobs unless you commute to London.

DD is the youngest and we'd be moving her to start year 10 (have to find a school that does 2 year gcse). She's quite shy and the one I worry about moving, but actually I hope the move will help her build resisiliance as she's very sheltered here (we had our first train journey the other day!).

DH and I were both moved a lot as children, whereas we've lived here since they were small. I was moved halfway through my GCSEs from one country to another, so I know the challenges and didn't want to do the same to our children but we can't stay here and so preparing them the best we can is the plan.

Apply for the job and move if you get it. DCs will adapt very quickly.

Kids never want to move, but it's not their choice. I would go for it. I would feel trapped and unhappy in such a rural location too.

And to add to my comments about moving - my parents moved from one education authority down south to a different education authority up north during the last term of the lower sixth. Meant I had to take 2 A levels in a year with different syllabuses. I scraped through one and aced another. Wouldn't recommend it but have never felt it blighted my life - just changed it! But I'm a bit glass half full person.....

Yep move. I work in a job where people move countries every few years and the kids adapt fine for the most part. You're the adults, you decide.

Children shouldn't be protected from every possible uncomfortable feeling. Families operate in the interests of everyone. You can still have a dog in a town. You can probably still have chickens!

If you don't end up moving for the job I would move to where your kids go to high school or to the town that you spend time ferrying them to.

My children grew up in London. At 10 years old Dd was hopping on and off tube trains to get to school
She and her friends did have lot of freedom

Dd met a few people from all over the U.K. doing a particular activity competitively. Those that lived rurally really envied the lifestyle of those that lived in London. So much so that the ones who have remained friends with Dd on SM. Quite a few chose a London University or a University in a large City to go to
I don’t think she knows anyone who remained in their village. None have any intention of moving back.

If you don’t apply for the job or you apply, get the job then turn the offer down because of your children. In a few years time the dc who currently don’t want to leave will have left for University and you could be stuck in a place you don’t like having missed your opportunity to escape.

I'd take the job. As a PP says those children will be off living their own lives or at university or in training somewhere and you will be stuck there. The maintenance of the house and garden will get more difficult as you get older. You will have to drive miles for medical care or shopping. If for some reason you couldn't drive it would become immeasurably more difficult. You'll be older and sadder. Your children who seem a rather selfish lot will no doubt whine if you propose to sell the house then. If they love the rural life so much they can do that as self-supporting driving adults. Be thankful your husband is supportive - he's probably as sick of this arrangement as you are. Your children will have to learn to cope with changes in their adult lives - they are not refugees with a few possessions running for their lives trying to avoid gunfire.

If you are struggling with the constant driving then this situation isn't sustainable. Remember you are better placed to make longer term decisions than a Y7 boy who is more focused on immediate things.

Thank you for all the advice, especially to those who resented childhood moves and those who have moved older children and it’s worked. Both sides have given me lots to think about. I’ve spoken to DH this morning, he knows I’m unhappy but hasn’t said much today. We’ve both got a day of driving ahead of us, one play date, one DC in a play and we’re both tired. I want to apply for the job and think that me spending part of the week up there is a good idea if I get it, while we work out a longer term plan. If I don’t get it, I think a move closer to school is a good plan.

Good plan OP, it's hard to put a big change together on hypotheticals and you need to be really certain that the job is what you want, if future plans are being built on it.

Sounds like you have made a lot of progress in separating out all of the issues and deciding on next steps - just take one at a time - see what happens, check how you feel.

Tricky decision OP! We live in a large village & my DS (almost 15) walks/cycles everywhere & is constantly with his mates from his local footie team. I love how independent he is able to be. He's been hanging out with his friends for last 18 months probably (& would have hung out earlier if it wasn't for Covid). His mates all pile round here too (we had a garden room built a year ago). They're happy and I know what they're doing. Your kids aren't going to have this experience AT ALL where you currently live. You will be a taxi driver for years to come. I'd put your own needs first in this instance. Your kids are both young still & the eldest one will soon adapt to a new secondary school & love being able to hang out after school/at weekends with his local friends. Good luck!

It sounds to me like you really need to flipping move. It will do your kids more damage to have a mum with poor mental health, than to face a bit of upheaval.

It’s a bugger for the one who’s just gone to secondary school, but while they might like where they are at 11, the chances are that they will be finding their extremely remote life tough at 14.

You’ve obviously already talked to
them, but kids aren’t great at seeing other people’s needs, never mind their parents’, so if you can respin the conversation to be about work and family financial security, that will probably be simpler and easier for them to accept.

it’s a nightmare taxi-ing teens in the country.

Hopefully you can get a garden with some rabbits

Good luck