To upend my settled family because I’m unhappy in the middle of rural nowhere?

[OpheliaPlum]

We live in a rural area. Lovely house, space, big garden. No public transport, no shops, no amenities basically, and fast country roads with no pavements so we have to drive to get anywhere. We moved here 8 years ago because of DH’s then job and a lovely primary in the next village. I work in a creative industry and there is a shared workspace I drive to. I used to WFH but became so isolated in lockdowns after lockdowns I found a place to work alongside others, but it’s not an office, but shared space for freelance artists etc.

My eldest DC has just transferred to secondary school in September. We all wake at 6am every day and I drive DH to the station and the DC to their schools. Since the secondary transfer, I spend 16 hours every week on school runs. There is a Bus eldest DC could get but it is a 10 min drive from home (impossible to walk, country lanes, 70mph speed limits, no pavements) and in the opposite direction to the station and primary school. From the primary school there’s a backroad to the secondary so it makes sense for me to drive. At weekends my DC have different activities in different places and understandably want to see friends. My DH and I spend a lot of the weekend driving and hanging about in locations far from home. We do this separately so the other can get on with the endless laundry, maintaining the garden, all very practical, but increasingly we have very limited family time.

This June my DH got a new job so we don’t need to be in this area for his work any more. During covid I started doing some online uni teaching of my work. I visited the place I was teaching at in the summer for the first time in person and taught a special summer school. I felt so alive and connected to like minded people and it made me realise how isolated I am in the countryside.

There is a fixed term 3 year contract coming up at the uni. There is a possibility of a permanent job after that but the HE sector seems to be imploding and I am not sure how realistic the permanent contact would be. It would be 2 days teaching and studio space for my own creative practice. It is 3 hours from where we live.

My DH commutes to an office but has said he could transfer to work close to that town or change to a role with more WFH. He has very specialised skills and works in an industry that exists everywhere (like for an energy company, but not quite that).

I’d really like to apply for this job and if I get it, move the family. My children are adamant they do not want to leave. My eldest says he has just done secondary transfer, loves his new school, tells me I can move when the DC are all grown up. My younger DC love the countryside. We have a big garden, a dog, ducks, rabbits, and they love that life. I feel very selfish but also can’t get the fantasy of living in a buzzing town, being able to share my passion with the next generation, even walk to a cafe out of my head. I feel very tied to driving children everywhere and am under so much time pressure since the secondary transfer that it’s brought me to tears. It feels very melodramatic but I feel as if my needs have become crushed living here.

The deadline to apply is very soon. It isn’t a common opportunity at all, but I’m really not sure what to do as it is potentially just a three year role. I can imagine living in the town when the role comes to an end and my DH and I could both work from there. Also we don’t have any family close to where we live now but can visit family either side within a couple of hours. If we move it would be a half day journey to visit family.

Please help me think this through.

Move locally? Nearer to secondary school? A town/village would be better than where you are. Ducks might need to be rehomed but other animals will be ok

People say I'm sure you're kids will adapt but sometimes they don't. If kids can 'adapt' to an environment that makes them unhappy then why is it ok for adults to not do the same? I'm sure there is a solution here where everyone's feelings get considered, not this narrative of kids feelings don't matter. Any parent who truly believes their childrens feelings don't count is effectively teaching their child how to ignore their needs and suppress their feelings. This is not the same as putting children in charge but it is a highly effective way of ensuring they will struggle to get their needs met in future relationships, or even know what their needs are.

Another thing to consider - at 12, being driven everywhere by your parents is ok.

As they get older they really do want more independence - and to be with friends spontaneously- and being able to get buses/trains/walk alone will matter more. Teens are often very isolated in country places.

(A three year job is unlikely to fade away. Work are still going to need you.)

I did it, and whilst it's painful to remember the beauty and landscape where we lived, the children are thriving in a small town. They see friends, have part-time jobs, do sport, etc.....and still go back out to our old haunts to hike etc.
I think growing up somewhere rural and idyllic will always stay with your children, they are lucky that you both provided this for them.

Well, presumably OP also agreed to that move? And the children were 3 and a baby, so it's not like it made any difference to them either way.

However, OP now has an 8yo and an 11yo to factor into her decisions - and they're both happy in their current schools and with their current home and lifestyle, and her DH is happy too.

I mean - what happens if they move to benefit OP, and everyone else ends up miserable?

As I said, I believe there's a middle ground between "keep things as they are for the next decade" and "uproot everyone's lives for the sake of one person".

Is it a state school? It is a requirement for councils to provide transport where kids are this far from their nearest schools so it sounds like thats your biggest issue if they are failing to provide it

How many years have you lived in a town and not spoken to anyone apart from those you live with.

The countryside is very isolating

haven’t RFT but (from experience) country children often fall out of love with country life as they hit puberty. Isolation and teenage life isn’t fun.

I don't disagree @thelobsterquadrille, my point was more that circumstances change, life throws curved balls at us, & that as soon as her rather forthright elder DC hits his teens, he will regret living rurally if his parents are not prepared to put 16 hours PLUS into ferrying him around.

And while it's not fair to uproot 4 people for the sake of 1, it's equally unfair to make 1 person miserable (perhaps for another 10-15 years) for the sake of 3.
OP's DH is also in favour of a move anyway, so that's 2 people who know it's a good idea ... & 11 year olds are not yet equipped to make the best decisions for themselves.

I've not read the whole thread OP, but I have read all your posts.
You're in a difficult position, no doubt.
We live somewhere that sounds broadly similar to you and we are all very happy here (teens included, for those who don't believe that's possible) but I completely understand why not everyone would be. In fact it's pretty common in my experience for people to move to our area from cities in search of the rural idyll but not to settle. And there's nothing wrong with that in my opinion. No matter how well you research somewhere it's not the same as actually living there. And as you say, things change and sometimes problems arise that weren't easily predictable. You may have made your bed, but you don't have to lie in it forever. It happens the other way too of course - people from the country go off to the bright lights of the city and some end up coming home because they dont like it after all.
It's hard when everyone else, especially your children, are happy where they are, but you are a person too and your needs are valid. I would probably apply for the job, then you at least have options on the table. If you get it you don't have to accept, and of course you might not be successful, so applying is by no means a definite decision.
And if you did take the job, that doesn't have to mean a permanent move either. Maybe there are compromises available such as moving midway between, or renting out rather than selling your current home so you do have the option to return if it doesn't work out?
Children are resillient. It's not an ideal time for them to move but it's doable and they will probably adapt better than they think they will. Yes, there are things they'd miss of course, but there will be benefits too, including possibly a much happier Mum! In the meanwhile I think you need to talk to your DH to see if you can figure out any ways of mitigating the problems you are currently facing. Moving to this new job sounds like your prefered option but it may not come off, so I think I'd simultaneously be trying to work on ways if improving your current situation if you can.

Yup.
13 year olds taking acid in the graveyard, anyone? ... county lines, accepting dodgy lifts from dodgy older teens, poor career prospects, boredom, loss of hope & interest ...

It's a nightmare for teens unless DP are prepared to become a taxi service, & that doesn't solve the independence factor - that teens both want & NEED to be able to start organising their social lives & activities for themselves.

It's a really hard decision for you, OP, but ultimately, you can't carry on doing what you are doing. It's exhausting. As the children get older, they are going to want to meet up with their friends and the taxi journeys will be unending, This will be bad for all of you. No-one wants their children to move schools unless really necessary (eg bullying) but we do our children a disservice if we think that they are unable to adapt to change. Unless they are neuro diverse and have special needs to take into consideration, they will learn that you can make friends wherever you go. I speak from experience here - my parents moved around a lot (3 primary schools, 3 secondary schools). This had many disadvantages but it taught me that I could find good friends in a desert and I still meet up with two of them! My husband (who grew up in the same house until he left for university) and I agreed that we would never subject our children to that number of changes but we did at one point have to move from a European country back home. Our 10 year old took to his English school like a duck to water (he's incredibly sociable!); our 8 year old was very shy but she also settled quickly in spite of leaving all her friends behind. Our next move was totally unexpected and unwanted (work related and to the other side of the country) but didn't affect our older 2 as they were at university. However, our 11 year old was devastated and said we were ruining her life. She'd passed for the grammar school and all her friends were buying their school uniforms. There were tears....However, it took at least a week and a half for her to make new friends at her new school and she's still in contact with a number of them (in her 30s now). I realise that not all children adapt well to change. New homes, schools and friends is a challenge, but in my experience moving can also be a really positive experience and part of growing up. In your position, I'd move - accept that there will probably be tears but don't lose sleep over it. Your well being is important or you'll be too burnt out to be much use to anyone.

I'd go for it - your kids may be settled but they may well be happier if you can end up somewhere better connected where they don't have to be ferried everywhere as well.

Oh, absolutely, but I just think it's a big decision to make. It also won't necessarily solve the issue of driving the children around and doing school runs.

They may find they move to a more expensive area and still end up doing the same amount of driving about, lol.

I know your children enjoy where they live but how much of their enjoyment comes from you facilitating your children to get everywhere.

How much enjoyment would there be if you just did the school run. No more activities, no more seeing friends after school.

Whilst their life might seem idyllic because of where they live they are missing the fact that it is because of what you do for them that makes their life so nice

(A three year job is unlikely to fade away. Work are still going to need you.)

Not true at all in academia.

The youngest is 8, that's another 10 years of major taxi duties.

I did a lot of this for many years but the DC could walk to school, get the bus if I was ill or away but it still ground me down as it was all on me.

You need to move but whether that is local to secondary school or relocating is another decision.

A colleague moved out rurally thankfully into rented after a year and her eldest in year 7 she was happy to move back and stop the taxi duty to school.

OP if the school run wasn't such a major issue I'd say that there's no way you should move. Have you looked I to carpooling or renting transport if there are a number of families who might join in sharing the costs? The school would let you know if there were other kids who live locally to you whose parents might be interested.

You could take the job and rent for a year in the new location to see if it works out for all the family - if not it might be possible to return back to old area and school (but new house in more suitable location)?

Might help your DC transition to know it’s just trying it out might be more comforting and less resistant and they might just settle and love it if the pressure is off?

Thanks also to everyone suggesting car pooling/ bus campaigns/ asking the council/ lift sharing. We really have explored all options since September. We shared lifts with one family but it didn’t work for them any more because of their own station runs and them using wrap around care at primary. We don’t have another local family who, I’ve really looked hard at options. To those saying my DH can easily do school runs, it has a big effect on the time he starts work due to rural trains so that does mean he has to work longer at weekends, including catching up on info from meetings he’s missed. He doesn’t do it deliberately to punish me, he’s a good man and he’s also doing a lot of laundry, housework etc at weekends and does lots of driving of kids at weekends. I appreciate all the advice, just wanted to update that we have honestly already considered the different commuting options.

At least there would be public transport

Unless you have lived in an area where the only supermarket is an 80 mile round trip or to just taking the children to school would be a 15 or 20 mile round trip you cannot understand the sheer monotony of driving down country lanes, usually in the dark, only interspersed with the anxiety of whether you are going to meet another vehicle coming round the next bend.

I used to have to get up at 4.30am each morning to drive Dh to the station 17 miles away. Then do the same journey in the evening.

When we moved to a definitely more expensive area I worked out that we were £250 per month better off despite having a bigger mortgage.
Council tax was cheaper but the biggest amounts we saved was on petrol and dh’s commute costs

Those 16 hours per day driving add up to a lot of money each month.

It’s because most people on Mumsnet love living in cities or at least towns.

If the OP knows this already then she knows what answers she’s going to receive and she just wants confirmation on the decision she’s made.

I do live rurally - believe me, I get it.

But my point was more that living in town won't necessarily reduce the amount of driving, even if there is public transport available.

Course they can! I moved from a tiny tiny village in Berkshire to Bolton
I've been to private schools, state schools, 4 primary schools, 2 colleges...

Good luck with your application, OP. Teaching plus studio space is a wonderful opportunity and you sound so excited about it.