I want to tell my husband I will divorce him if he gains a lot more weight

[LongStoryShorty]

My father in law is morbidly overweight, struggles to walk, etc and I have nothing against him but dread the thought of my husband being like that. I’m sorry but I couldn’t stay, I want to be active and do things and to be doing that to your own body…

He’s quickly heading to that direction though. Him and I never share a meal, he doesn’t eat the healthy food I cook he would just order a takeaway instead. He says he loves my cooking but can’t see him eating it?? I batch cook things so there’s always healthy food in the freezer but he won’t eat it. I eat my dinner earlier as I don’t want to put on weight, I will only eat in the evenings if there’s a special occasion.

As well if we go for a day out I will eat and the kids will eat before so we don’t get hungry and he says he’s not hungry and as soon as we get there he will buy something unhealthy. This is exactly what his father would do. I just reminded him there’s some really delicious risotto in the freezer as he said he was going to get a takeaway, he says he hasn’t eaten all day. He’s not taking the hint! Would I be unreasonable to just tell him if you get as big as your dad I will want a divorce..?

@Mouk you'd be perfectly happy to become a carer for an adult who can't get out of bed because of his weight?

Happy to do all parenting alone because he's physically incapable?

Happy to never go on a holiday/day out/outdoor activity with your husband?

Happy to have sex with him when you have to move layers and layers of fat out of the way just to find his penis?

The hypocrisy on this thread is unreal...

OP, read the fish finger thread. There's a lovely man on there who cheerfully mentions eating 20.He would be surprised to be offered 3 for a main meal. I think he has the right attitude. 😎

How dirty you sound, truly foul.

You both sound at opposite ends of the spectrum. You very food conscious with the rules on early eating etc, he could be overcompensating eating shit because he can't be arsed cooking for himself but he doesn't enjoy the Uber healthy meals and early eating.

Can you guys not meet in the middle?
Me and DP eat normal food during the week whenever we feel like it. A takeaway on a Saturday night together.

Could you maybe pull back a bit on the healthy overload with the understanding he eats what you cook?

I agree with you OP. He needs to get help for his emotional eating issues. I couldn't stay with my DH if he decided to eat himself into an early grave. He may be an independent adult but he's also a husband that needs to realise that his actions have consequences for the people he loves, day-to-day and long term.

@GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok

Why? Why is it foul to point out that very few women could find a morbidly obese body attractive?
When you allow yourself to get to that size you have to acknowledge that your partner most likely will not find sex with you appearing or enjoyable. Goes for either gender.

OP is not talking about simply being overweight/chubby. She is talking about a scenario where her husband (who is already quite obese at 34 bmi) would get to a weight that is absolutely disabling. Far from the range of normal weight gain.

@doggiedazy it's usually a few stone and shouldn't matter why they put weight on.

I totally get you don’t want him to become obese but your own views on food seem a little worrying. I hope you’re not exposing your children to strict rules on eating.

They’re being realistic. Morbidly obese is not attractive and it has practical negatives too.

He’s not taking the hint! Would I be unreasonable to just tell him if you get as big as your dad I will want a divorce..?

That sounds like such a jump from giving a hint to threatening a divorce. What about all the other options in the middle? What about saying things directly? Or having an open conversation with him about your concerns?

It would bother me too, OP - and of course you can leave someone for any reason you want to.

I agree that it's healthy to eat your main meals earlier in the day, if you can. The UK norm of loading the bulk of calories late in the evening before collapsing in a food coma for an hour before sleep has always seemed a bit batshit to me 🤷‍♀️

I do think food is a basic thing to check for compatibility in, before diving into sharing a home or having children with someone. Along with what constitutes a healthy lifestyle generally, so alcohol, smoking, exercise, how to deal with health problems, etc. A little more scrutiny upfront would save so much heartache for so many people!

I would be concerned about the effect on his health from lots of takeaways, rather than the weight issue. They often have lots of salt. Why not ask him what he does want to eat and cook it? You can usually find recipes that are just as good as takeaways.

I think I’d be annoyed at the constant takeaway ordering. Just not normal to carry on that way when food is being made in the house. Can you not encourage him to do some cooking?

What if he or you have a life changing accident?

I eat in the evenings and unhealthy food when out for the day and I'm slim...

He sounds unhealthy but you sound like you have disordered eating and a preoccupation with being thin.

@LongStoryShorty - you seem to be in control of your own weight, so could you perhaps adjust your diet and eating patterns to make it easier for your husband to forego the take-aways and instead eat the food you cook?

Personally I would not be keen to eat reheated food, on my own, when I've come home late after a long and stressful day at work.

Can you cook healthy versions of the types of foods he likes and eat with him?

Find some alcohol-free beers that are palatable? They do exist and may help to break the vicious "I've had a frustrating day, i need a drink!" cycle.

@user1496146479 an accident is different, although I would expect him to try and recover if possible. If he couldn’t then Our plans would change and I would look after him as much as I could. But self inflicted is different, that would be him choosing to fuck over our plans.

My DH was having issues with his knee, he could walk about 500m. The physio told him that he needed to do three exercises each day to get the muscles arOund his knee cap stronger to get it in the right place.

He could choose to do the exercise and walk normally again or choose not to and struggle to walk. He was half arsing them and doing them occasionally and not making any progress. I know some people would say that’s his choice, but I’m not putting up with Him choosing a disability when he has the option of normal mobility. There were other factors, like depression making him choose to be lazy so he got his arse kicked.

We now go on long walks, have great travel plans and he can lead a normal life. Sometimes we all need our arse kicked. But before I kicked his arse I tried the gentle encouragement and doing the exercises with him, reminding him etc that didn’t work.

Morbid obesity carries a lot of health risks which get worse with age. There is no way I want DH to have any more health risks than necessary, I want a long and happy life together and an active retirement if at all possible

Have a conversation with him about his health and the way its affecting your future of marriage.

And in regards to eating in the evenings, that doesn't make you put on weight. Weight maintance is calories in vs calories out, saying this, could you maybe encourage your husband to exercise a bit more, maybe do it together, even walking is a good form of exercise to help you burn calories.

sadly I think it will be very difficult to get this leopard to change his spots😐

How is it shallow? Maybe use your brain for one second before you comment stupid things.

He's being selfish and eating himself into a disability, leaving his wife to pick up the slack, and impacting his kids. You think that's ok?

Is he, though? How tall and heavy is he, for starters?

I don’t blame you thinking that way. Getting older is no fun, but if we make decisions such as eating unhealthy food, drinking a lot of alcohol so that it impacts our health to the point we can no longer do things then sorry but it’s unfair. It’s one thing caring for a spouse for an illness or disability that’s not their fault but if they kept eating and getting heavier and heavier then no, why should you stay and be a carer to someone who brought it on themselves.

I think it’s very sensible to eat earlier, I do too, 17:00 or little later. I am careful to watch my weight and I do diet if I gain more than 1 stone. I know people who are now suffering from the effect of being very heavy but still not doing anything about it. I suffer from a health condition that causes me a lot of pain, I can’t understand how someone has the ability to turn around their illness by going on a diet but chooses not to. No it’s not easy, yes it requires willpower but not being around to watch your children get married, have their own children as you favoured takeaways over health is not a good choice. I worry so much about one of my good friends and I know it can be hard to lose weight in middle age, I know as I’m always on and off diets to control my weight, but it’s no longer about looks but about health, it’s got to be done

@GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok
Is he what? OP says his BMI is at 34. Anything over 35 is considered morbidly obese.

Your relationship with food sounds just as unhealthy as his OP. Strict rules around the times you will eat isn’t normal.

DH watches his weight, but he also knows that I don’t fancy fat men at all and he’d be not getting any if he developed a massive beer gut etc (normal dad bod is within range for me, Boris Johnson beyond range, as an example). Interestingly DH has said exactly the same in reverse about women so we have a pact.