I want to tell my husband I will divorce him if he gains a lot more weight

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My father in law is morbidly overweight, struggles to walk, etc and I have nothing against him but dread the thought of my husband being like that. I’m sorry but I couldn’t stay, I want to be active and do things and to be doing that to your own body…

He’s quickly heading to that direction though. Him and I never share a meal, he doesn’t eat the healthy food I cook he would just order a takeaway instead. He says he loves my cooking but can’t see him eating it?? I batch cook things so there’s always healthy food in the freezer but he won’t eat it. I eat my dinner earlier as I don’t want to put on weight, I will only eat in the evenings if there’s a special occasion.

As well if we go for a day out I will eat and the kids will eat before so we don’t get hungry and he says he’s not hungry and as soon as we get there he will buy something unhealthy. This is exactly what his father would do. I just reminded him there’s some really delicious risotto in the freezer as he said he was going to get a takeaway, he says he hasn’t eaten all day. He’s not taking the hint! Would I be unreasonable to just tell him if you get as big as your dad I will want a divorce..?

He will be if he doesn’t act now. But again, he can not do this alone without your support.

i agree, I love to hear his side of the story

Please just divorce him now, he's probably going to resent you long-term for threatening divorce. He will start eating in secret , buying takeaways when you aren't in , on his way home from work. Weight loss ultimatums rarely work he has to decide he wants to do it for himself.

This is a great response, thank you. I will definitely try approaching it from that angle.

husband might be depressed, he is in counselling for the amount of stress he is under and is taking medication for it.

I have been very clear to DH in that although I love him dearly and I would look after him if he was sick, I will never give up my dreams of travelling and having a great retirement together if he got himself in a state where he can’t go exploring and be active.

Our conversation was more to do with a knee problem that he wasn’t dealing with and doing the physio exercises. We had a very honest conversation and he got on top of his issue.

I think it’s important to be honest about expectations if the person can do something about it. I couldn’t watch DH eat himself into immobility and early death. He would kick my arse too.

I would also be wondering how much he is spending on takeaways and alcohol as it sounds like it would be a lot. That could be depriving your DC of things, but it does sound like a possible food addiction and I would be suggesting therapy.

Can you get him involved in meal planning maybe with some fakeaways? I love curry and home made can be very healthy. Pinch of Nom is great for this. I also think you need to possibly relax a bit, your DH isn’t going to go from daily takeaways to salad and I think you need to chill slightly.

While I agree that OP sounds as if she has some issues around food/weight I don't think eating early is one of them. I was brought up having tea between 5 & 6. I'm now a support worker and we eat with the service users and they eat between 5 & 6 so I'm used to eating at that time.

I've heard of people doing 16/8 as a way of losing/maintaining weight and although I don't do that I usually do eat between 9am and 6pm. Maybe the OP does this as a way of maintaining weight. She does seem to be very anxious/'obsessed' with healthy eating though which is where I think the issues are.

I do think there's a difference between becoming disabled due to illness/accident and eating yourself into morbid obesity (thinking my 600lb life size here). That's not good for anyone and it's better to be tackled sooner rather than later. I don't think threatening to leave will have the outcome you want though, OP. You need to sit down and talk to your DH first although I appreciate it won't be an easy conversation to have.

Finally, you can leave a marriage for any reason you want. Even just because you don't want to be married any more.

A relationship with blackmail in it isn't ever going to end well. Be nice to your husband, leave him and let him find someone who loves him for more than his weight.

I couldn't be with him now to be fair, I couldn't be with someone who abuses their body in that way

You are being unreasonable to leap to threats of divorce because he “is not taking the hints”. Have an adult discussion with him 🙄

His BMI is 34 and he is struggling to walk? really?!
@BritInAus I did a 100KM walk when my BMI was 36.

'In sickness and in health, unless your BMI gets above 40, in which case you're dumped'

Sorry OP. Replied to @BritInAus without reading all the updates.

This is bizarre…. What’s with the hatred for risotto?

He's comfort eating from stress and you're going to drop it on him that if he doesn't stop you'll leave him. I really can't see that going well. Is the workplace stress going to be an ongoing thing? Because that will kill a person faster.

Food.diary? You're like a stuck record banging on about food and ways to control your.poor husband's diet or to guilt trip him into feeling guilty about what he eats. It's very sad that a man has to send out for a takeaway because he's not getting his fill at home.
Seriously, you should also consider your children. They must see that in your house food is a battleground not a pleasure. They may grow up with eating disorders of their own.

Well, I hate batch cooking, I find the food always tastes crap when reheated regardless of how nice it once was, reheated risotto sounds especially grim. I also wouldn’t want to eat at earlier before 7pm, we eat dinner around 7:30 most nights, so I don’t blame him on that front. From your OP you seem a bit transfixed with not putting on weight, do you maybe have past issues with your weight which may be colouring your view a bit?

That being said I get it, you don’t want to watch him slowly kill himself and turn into his dad, it’s a lot of strain on his body and a bad message for your kids to boot.
Maybe he just needs a sharp shock and a regime he can follow that isn’t batch cooked food, could you have a look at sitting down together and find a way to live a healthier lifestyle together?

As with PP, YANBU to want a healthy husband but are you taking anything at all on board about comments about your attitude to food and eating?

Especially the horror that is frozen risotto

I’ve put on lots of weight since I married …

My husband has lost his hair, now has a grey beard, his face is much more lined (he has s lot of outdoor activities), his sex drive has taken a nosedive (not that it’s ever been that high), his balls are deffo more saggy, as is his arse, and his knees are fucked … and I still love him, and he loves me.

It’s a pleasure to grow older with him

You have a fair point. My boyfriend (3 years, live together, known for 7) is very large and he sounds very similar to you husband. Always acts like he’s not hungry then all of a sudden is happy to order take aways and has ‘sneak treats’ on the way home (I find the packets). Best thing is communication, talk to him. I’ve spoke to my bf a number of times, truth is he isn’t happy, stuck in a rut, his words not mine. I bet your husband is similar. Things I’ve tried and worked:
Cooking fake aways - Try PinchofNom
Cooking meals at home that aren’t insanely healthy but aren’t as bad as a take away. This will encourage the idea of having more meals at home.
Generally I have to cook the meals but I don’t mind, he can make up for it some other way, house chores.
Routine - do you eat as a family around a table?
Bf enjoys going to the gym if we go together but still tries to find excuses, does he enjoy at sport when younger, maybe something he does alone for him?
Love, you may already do this and it’s something I struggle with, I’m
very ‘matter a-fact’, you have to encourage him, say how good they look, “oh that looks good”, “you’re looking handsome today”. Truth is men don’t get attention like females. This works for me, and it IS hard work but I’m willing to do it for now.

Sorry hadn’t seen or the other comments you posted, bear with!

This sounds like the situation my own parents are in, but my dad is an alcoholic (the "functional" kind with a good job, except there's no such thing as an alcoholic who is functioning, really).

@OP I think one of the key words you mentioned was drinking. Is it the eating that's more of a problem or the drink?

My dad used to be thin and athletic, but put on weight in his 30s due to a combo of things: stress, poor diet due to long hours at high-pressure jobs, drinking every day to decompress, quitting smoking (so replacing cigarettes with food/drink), sedentary job and no exercise, and a thyroid that quit (took years to diagnose and then get medication right).

My dad has been morbidly obese for years, and has a long list of health problems related to that. But it's the booze that holds him back from getting better. My dad is a gentle soul, but he is no longer at a point where he can manage 30 days without drink. Is your husband at that point?

If your husband is seeing a counsellor and taking meds for stress, that is a good step towards him taking care of himself. I wish my dad would take that step. That's a positive thing you can hold onto.

If your DH is on SSRIs, these can cause weight gain. Working through the roots of stress and core beliefs in counselling can make you feel worse before you feel better. You might see more emotional eating while he processes heavy emotions, before he gets to a point where he doesn't want food to be a crutch.

Alcohol can undermine the progress your DH might hope to make in counselling. It's a depressant and can interfere with deep sleep. Poor sleep can feed into anxiety cycles, which lead to more stress. So, if he can take a break from booze for the sake of his mental health, he might find that taking care of his physical health sort of falls into place.

Love isn't enough if you're left to care for kids and do most housework because your partner are themselves into a disability.

Are you my sil? That is what she has threatened my brother with.

In sickness and health isn't some kind of free pass for you to eat yourself into a disability.

Becoming obese due to not taking any responsibility or accountability, or trying to resolve your issues is lazy and expecting your partner to pick up the slack and love you when you don't even love yourself enough to treat your health and body with respect is ironic.