I want to tell my husband I will divorce him if he gains a lot more weight

[LongStoryShorty]

My father in law is morbidly overweight, struggles to walk, etc and I have nothing against him but dread the thought of my husband being like that. I’m sorry but I couldn’t stay, I want to be active and do things and to be doing that to your own body…

He’s quickly heading to that direction though. Him and I never share a meal, he doesn’t eat the healthy food I cook he would just order a takeaway instead. He says he loves my cooking but can’t see him eating it?? I batch cook things so there’s always healthy food in the freezer but he won’t eat it. I eat my dinner earlier as I don’t want to put on weight, I will only eat in the evenings if there’s a special occasion.

As well if we go for a day out I will eat and the kids will eat before so we don’t get hungry and he says he’s not hungry and as soon as we get there he will buy something unhealthy. This is exactly what his father would do. I just reminded him there’s some really delicious risotto in the freezer as he said he was going to get a takeaway, he says he hasn’t eaten all day. He’s not taking the hint! Would I be unreasonable to just tell him if you get as big as your dad I will want a divorce..?

Caught up.
It sounds like this job is the issue for everything. Ideally he would find a new job because it doesn’t sound like he is currently enjoying life. However I’ll write from the scenario that that is not possible.
Seeing Counsellors is normal if he has a stressful role (i imagine it must pay well to balance this unhappiness) however this situation seems to be affecting him far more than it should leading to ‘outs’ such as take aways, ‘naughty food’ and alcohol. I swear sometimes they see it as ‘I’ll treat myself with ‘X’ to makeup for this stress or unhappy state i‘m in’.
He gets home late, could you eat late with him a few times a week? Not all as it’s clear you don’t enjoy it. Unsure what his job is but could he finish some work at home?
i don’t know you and I don’t know your husband, I certainly can’t get the whole picture in 1 post but the fact you’ve come here shows it’s now affecting you and has done for some time. I am also wondering if you’re my future self.
I would not give him an ultimatum or anything close, it doesn’t help, believe me I’ve tried and then he’s told me it makes it worse. You’ve said you’ve told him he’s handsome etc, that’s great, I don’t get the impression he feels it though. He needs to feel it from within which is kinda mad as exercise endorphins would help! Does he really love his job or just doing it to be the man of the house and support his family? Probably can’t seem weak and only out is through food, after all it’s always readily available (talking from experience here).
All these people talking about ‘marriage is forever’ and other crap aren’t helping so ignore them. You’re not a bad person, you’ve just come to a wall.

OP you're allowed to leave, I would find it very odd putting to see my partner eat themselves to death.

He should do better for you and his children. I think you might have to have a serious conversation about where things are with his health and lifestyle (not weight, as the weight is just a result of the actual issues).

• He needs to take accountability - meal planning is done jointly and takeaways reduced to once a week
• Meet him where he is right now - small changes so it's not a diet to give up on
• Work - can he change his job? Or learn to cope with stress better? Can you afford therapy for him?

It's pretty serious, and it can't happen unless he actually wants to change.

I don’t think this sounds like issues with food at all. I eat within a certain window of time during the day (like intermittent fasting) because it helps me keep weight off, which in turn makes me feel healthy, full on energy, etc. I, too, would break this for a special occasion! It’s okay to want to be a healthy weight and to plan your food and eating times around this? As long as you’re not becoming obsessive or depressed etc. it’s okay to take care of yourself without having ‘issues’. Why is everyone so quick to call people who are trying to have self control to maintain their health names and assign them issues? I think it’s good to care to a certain extent.

This.

Don't you ever relax & share a meal in the evening? Cook together? It doesn't sound a lot of fun.

I just can't understand not sharing meals especially when he has someone willing to cook lovely nutritious meals for him. I'm morbidly obese myself and my latest job involves visiting a lot of older people to complete disability forms etc. My eyes have really been opened to the damage obesity does in later life and has given me a bit of a wake up call. So many people with arthiritis, back problems, heart failure, diabetes often related to obesity. So YANBU although I doubt that nagging him about it will do any good. He has to really want to change his lifestyle habits.

OP i just wanted to share one idea which may, or may not, be helpful. 'Delicious' is in rhe eye of the beholder. Personally, I like risotto, pasta and sauce, rice dishes, but only fresh. They lose their texture reheated and are hugely unpleasant cold. I think your OH may not like your good as much as you thi k qnd his 'it's nice' is a polite way of saying 'it's ok but I'd never really choose it'. I was not surprised to hear he ate the sausages when that was all that was on offer other than cold pasta and reheated pasta. Maybe an honest conversation about some foods he can easily put together after a long, stressful day at work. This might help a little
As might thinking about what he's eating in the day. If he's trying to starve himself and then getting really hungry, that is a weight gaining cycle.

Threads about obesity never go well on mn.
Yanbu BTW.

I think he doesn’t like the food you cook, well certainly not the cold or reheated in the microwave version that he eats alone after a stressful day at work. The best part of my day is sharing a nice dinner with my DH and chatting about our day. It sounds like you never share an evening meal together unless it’s a special occasion so he constantly eats alone, he’s probably fed up eating reheated risotto alone and seeks solace in tasty food. I really think you need to eat together with freshly cooked food at the dinner table at least a few times a week, have your yoghurt with your children and eat later with your husband sometimes, and as for days out I’m with your dh! I don’t want to eat before we go out, I want lunch out! You do sound a bit controlling on the food front he probably finds it quite stressful on top of his work stress.

@LongStoryShorty "I just reminded him there’s some really delicious risotto in the freezer as he said he was going to get a takeaway, he says he hasn’t eaten all day. He’s not taking the hint!"

By golly, nor would I! I'm of the decided opinion that really delicious risotto is to food as Unicorns are to our native wildlife.

Why do you feel he must necessarily enjoy the sort of food that you do? It sounds, reading between the lines, that he absolutely doesn't.

I'm certain that if I lived with someone who wanted to divorce me in case my eating habits made me fat, I'd hand them the divorce papers, a pen, and the date and time of the appointment I'd made for them with a solicitor.

Also, I fear - genuinely, I'm not being snide - that your children run a much increased risk of becoming anorexic or bulimic as your unhealthy obsession with food and weight are borne in on them.

I truly think you need counselling.

Who gets the prize for the most number of risotto in their reply ?😊I was so deep in this thread that I forgot to put my fish in the oven, and ended up eating oven chips, peas and two croissants😆Plus a rather nice Reisling.
Mercy 😱

not enough tasty healthy food or a wife who wants to eat him

I know there is a squeeze on living costs but this seems a bit extreme.

@LongStoryShorty from your most recent post, it sounds like your DH is comfort eating to offset difficult & demanding work. Coming in & eating late does not help eating well. It does take some time, awareness & effort to eat well through the day & insubstantial meals (e.g. not enough protein &/or slow release carbs) leads to injudicious snacking & take aways later on.

Did he father have a similar lifestyle? Working hard beyond what is required to the point of self-neglect? Not eating well enough to get through the day without extra snacking? Maybe he had a manual job or did active sports that allowed him to eat as he pleased without weight gain, but the weight piled on once inactive?

I ask not out of immediate concern for your FIL but to determine if your DH is following a pattern of behaviours modelled by his father & he has not yet seen this as the issue rather than focusing on his weight.

BMI 34 is high & of concern.
Plus the alcohol pattern does not help.
@LongStoryShorty you are fair to be concerned about him.
But the current approach is not producing favourable results for him.

His weight is a symptom & expression of other matters in his life BUT this is not a reason to ignore the impact of his health now & in the future.

Has he had a recent GP health checkup?
Can he be offered an NHS weight management programme that uses behaviour change to change the gears for him?

I agree you both have opposite issues with food. I do find it funny though, whenever a female poster says her partner has a problem with her weight everyone says he should take her as she is, "commitment and vows" etc. When it's the other way round it's all "LTB" .

Sorry but it is an effort not to gain weight as you age in our society you need to make a conscious effort. Realised this at 45 always ate what I wanted but not possible as you age. IF now - for life.

I don't think threatening him with divorce of he doesn't loose weight will help in any way.

The female partner has very often gone from a size 8-10 to a size 12-14 after a decade or so and after carrying and birthing their husbands children.
Their husbands have often been complaining of sexual desirably reducing for them and that they don't look good on their arm rather than the wives putting themselves in an early grave or becoming disabled due to their weight at size 12!

OP you are eating in the evening, you said 17:00-18:00, that's an evening meal, just that it's an early tea time rather than late one. I eat at that time

But yabu to tell your DH you'll leave him if he puts on more weight. You can however fall out of love with him and be unhappy with his unhealthy lifestyle and fact you no longer share things such as meal times or going out together on shared hobbies by his choice. And that you are moving in different directions. He is obese and that's a worry for his ongoing health. It's good you're good you're considering if he is depressed and offering a chance to support him and work in your marriage.

If however you're too far apart and no longer feel same way, that's ok to admit.

If you simply aren't compatible anymore that's a different reason to targeting his weight. Love isn't supposed to be conditional on someone maintaining a certain maximum weight, there's something controlling about that. So I think your title is problematic. "I've fallen out of love with him and he lives a very different unhealthy lifestyle where he makes little effort to even eat together in evenings" is perhaps a better way to phrase it.

I get where you are coming from. I would feel the same. He is destroying his health through active choices.

That said how you approach this is key. The bit that shines out from your posts is that this is a stress response to work (though with what you say about his dad suspect it runs deeper).
Is it time for a serious chat about a life change bigger than diet. Obviously don't know your financial situation but it sounds a lot of spending. Does he need to be tied to this job or could he take a step back? Sounds like he's in a bit of a viscous circle

The key problem according to your DH is his work. You said the pressure is so immense that he can't look after himself.

So first and foremost that has to change. He is working himself into an early grave.

His eating is due to his mental health. Have you discussed that with him?

Putting on lots of weight isn't comparable to aging though is it? It's a choice.

Wait so some of you only have breakfast and dinner and no tea? Sounds crazy for a few calories. We have tea at 5 and the just fruit in the evening.

What is this just fruit? 😂

He's choosing his lifestyle. Eating until you're obese is disabling. Why should she have to look after him when he's done it to himself?

My dh has put on a lot of weight. Any hints of mine have been ignored. Yesterday he had a meeting with the MD so wore a shirt he hasnt worn for a while. Standard dress on his office is casual. This morning he mentioned his shirt not being a good fit anymore and he has realised he has on quite a bit of weight and he has decided he is going to do something about.

i think people need to realise it for themselves and want to make those changes. You cannot change someone’s actions.

You are being very shallow. Your poor DH