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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh being an arse about his operation tomorrow

378 replies

Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 20:45

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 18/11/2022 22:58

He can’t possibly know when he’ll be discharged even if he had surgery in the morning.

I’ve had GA a few different surgeries. One time I was kept overnight because I had trouble waking up from the GA. I had my surgery early in the morning. I woke up early evening in a ward. And that had never happened before with previous surgeries.

It is unpredictable.

You would be reasonable to say after a certain time because children are asleep he will need to stay overnight and you’ll pick him up in the morning.

Marmite17 · 18/11/2022 22:58

Think post might be a reverse

Mayorquimby2 · 18/11/2022 22:59

Jesus Christ the poor fucker

Pseudonymminymie · 18/11/2022 23:03

Haven't read the full thread, but your poor DP. Just be there to support him FGS. The DC will be fine.

Luncheonmeatsandwich · 18/11/2022 23:04

You don't seem to have any sympathy for him at all. He might feel crap after the surgery. He is probably nervous too.

When my DP had an op at end pandemic the HCA walked him down to the drop off parking bay where I met him - they may do offer to do similar.

MadelineUsher · 18/11/2022 23:04

He's being an arse?

He's being cut open and rummaged about in under GA, for which there is no exact timetable. His operation may run smoothly, or be minor, or there may be complications, or it may be entirely delayed by unforseen events. Perhaps he is frightened. Who wants to stay in a hospital when they could be in their own bed, with those who love them. Pick the poor fellow up whenever. It's one night.

Dogstar78 · 18/11/2022 23:05

I would add most private hospitals are quite small and you can park outside. He can walk out to you if you just wait till he calls.

He can predict how he is going to be after the op and how long it will take.

SoupDragon · 18/11/2022 23:07

and thinks I don't care about him...

are you surprised? It sound like he's not wrong.

it's one night of fairly minor disruption and it's not like he's out having fun.

CustardySergeant · 18/11/2022 23:07

The bill will be a lot higher if he stays overnight. Surely that's a factor.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/11/2022 23:10

A day without a bath? The kids will be fine; try and support your DH. Having a GA is scary.

BookShark · 18/11/2022 23:11

Well I'm feeling like a very nice wife now as I've agreed to pick DH from Twickenham tomorrow, despite the fact it'll be over dinner and bedtime. Because, that's what we do. The kids won't care, they'll just be in the car, oblivious to what time it is. Yes, it's not ideal, but we help each other out and I know he'd do the same for me, and for the sake of just under an hour's round trip on my part, he'll be home at least an hour earlier than if he got the train.
If I can do it for a rugby match, you can definitely do it for a hospital appointment! Do you really want him getting into a taxi after surgery?

TrashyPanda · 18/11/2022 23:17

Skip the bath.
the kids will survive having a change in their routine for one night.
it really isn’t a big deal for you to go collect him, so don’t make it one.

nobody wants to spend a night in hospital if they don’t have to

Oblomov22 · 18/11/2022 23:22

I too am starting to doubt this thread. either, It's a reverse or your severe anxiety or you're just fucking unhinged or you don't care about your husband, but either way it it makes for very unpleasant reading.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/11/2022 23:24

It's private medicine.

Just pay for him to stay the night.

2bazookas · 18/11/2022 23:27

Tell D H he will need to organise one of his friends or work colleagues to collect him from hospital as you will be at home putting the kids to bed.

Eleusa · 18/11/2022 23:32

YAB appallingly U. I’d be so hurt if my husband refused to pick me up from hospital for such a trivial reason. This must be a reverse or else there is something else going on.

SeaToSki · 18/11/2022 23:32

I get it. Its the him not wanting to enter into your feeling about planning for what ifs..but just casually saying ‘it wont be a problem’. How the heck would he know if he hasnt even looked after both dc solo, let alone got them out of bed and into a cold car to drive to pick up their Dad. I would suggest you say you will put the dc to bed as normal and then when he texts from recovery to say what time he is set to leave, you will come and get him. Getting released from hospital can take hours longer than they say it will.

Also, if the hospital doesnt have an option for you to just pull up and him walk out to the car (so you dont have to get the dc out at the other end) then he can just spend the night in the hospital.

BittenontheBum · 18/11/2022 23:33

The last small procedure I had, the hospital were running late. It meant when I was ready to go my friend couldn't then come to meet me because of the time. The hospital were happy for me to discharge myself in those circumstances and travel to said friends via taxi that evening . Could be an option? Or can they keep him until the morning?

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 18/11/2022 23:35

Unicornenthusiast · 18/11/2022 21:01

I don't resent the pick up and I've now planned for it. It's the fact that DH is so blasé about it, so he says it should be 8pm but what if it turns out to be 10pm or 12pm? He has the option of staying in hospital overnight but he says he doesn't want to do that.

Then it's 10pm or 12am. Nothing disastrous will happen. Are you always this dramatic?

Xmasbaby11 · 18/11/2022 23:36

Crikey. It's not nice having an operation. It doesn't matter if the kids are out of routine and go to bed later. If the kids really need a bath, do it earlier so they're ready to be popped in the car when he calls. It's only one day.

esthergodwin · 18/11/2022 23:39

Yes, YABU. If my DH was getting surgery, I'd be doing everything possible to put his mind at ease and keep him stress free. This is added stress that he just doesn't need right now. OP, my advice to you is to be supportive to your DH. This is not a major inconvenience.

OldFan · 18/11/2022 23:39

Just pay for him to stay the night.

😂 It's a different world.

so he says it should be 8pm but what if it turns out to be 10pm or 12pm?

Then there's nothing he can do about it @Unicornenthusiast . I mean, in theory he could stay in overnight, but I imagine that isn't cheap and an expense best avoided.

ChristmasCwtch · 18/11/2022 23:40

You’re being so dramatic. It’s 2 young children and 1 bedtime. You’ll be fine 🙄

maryberryslayers · 18/11/2022 23:41

The hospital won't bring him out to the car park to check! He can absolutely get a taxi. Don't drag your kids out of bed for an unreasonable manchild.

Spiderboy · 18/11/2022 23:44

I literally wouldn’t think twice about this. It’s a none issue. You’re partners. I used to pick up my OH from work at 10pm with 2 young kids for years. It wasn’t ideal. The kids would still sleep. If not it is just one bad night and we’d get over but I’d have my husbands back.