Dh being an arse about his operation tomorrow

[Unicornenthusiast]

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

I’m sure he could stay overnight but maybe he wants to be in his own bed after a procedure. It’s nice to be nice and if you can’t be kind to the man you supposedly love, then I wonder if it’s a sign of a deeper issue? OP you sound resentful, maybe consider discussing this with your husband at another time because it sounds not much fun!

How is he acting like a child? I don't understand how you have decided he is the unreasonable one in this

Teder is right, maybe you've gone off him, otherwise you wouldn't be as bothered by the inconvenience.

I get it. Its the him not wanting to enter into your feeling about planning for what ifs..but just casually saying ‘it wont be a problem’.

He's probably concentrating on trying to believe his GA and op 'won't be a problem'. Bigger fish to fry, and all that.

Just get him to stay in hospital till morning.

Maybe he doesn't want the extra expense of an overnight stay when he doesn't need to be in hospital.

The children might be grouchy, but overall, a change to their routine for one evening won't have any ill effects on them. I wouldn't bother with the baths, tbh, I'd change them into their pajamas and ask your DH to text you when he's been discharged. Worst case, you'll have crying children who'll probably drift off to sleep in the car.

You don't "need" to bath the kids. They will survive. You don't even need to get them ready for bed. Just put them in the car seats, and sit in the car. You sound like you are putting your controlled regime for your children ahead of your husband's health. Small or not, a general anaesthetic is not to be taken lightly and requires recovery time.

And I am quite sure your husband will not want to say to anyone on admission that his dear wife can't pick him up and he needs an exact discharge time as she can't manage to live with not bathing the kids for a night and getting them to bed at precisely the right time.

It is surgery. He has absolutely no control over what time it will start. He has no control over what time he will be discharged. Your evening is going to be chaos. It is one day. His recovery will be much more effective at home. You and the children will take the next day and get back into your routine.

@tillytown because he has two options which don't involve his kids being dragged out when they should be in bed. He's an adult, he can get himself home by taxi or stay in hospital for 1 night and be collected in the morning when convenient.

Also, he doesn't look after his children and his wife has to book his taxi there for him = manchild

He can't get himself home by taxi unless he discharges himself against medical advice. Who the hell would do that?

@DrAliceHamilton then he stays in hospital for one night.
His wife clearly doesn't want to upset the children and why should she? It's not like he helps with looking after them.

Once a relationship becomes this transactional, pettyy scores are kept, and no compassion is felt for someone about to have surgery, it is pretty well stuffed.

Why should she? Because she supposedly loves this man. Upset the children?! Oh, they will never recover! Ludicrous. Is someone knitting socks by any chance?

@Unicornenthusiast If it is late and children are asleep then I don’t think yabu to expect him to stay overnight. Wouldn’t insurance cover the overnight stay?

If it was me having surgery (and I have had a few), I would not expect my dh to pull the kids out of bed to pick me up late at night. I’m a grown up who can handle waiting till morning.

And for some children just one break in their bedtime routine can mess it up for days, and they absolutely don’t cope with it well. So, I don’t think yabu.

However, if he’s ready before 10pm I don’t think there should be a problem picking him up. It’s not terribly late especially for a one off. But midnight would be a different matter.

If he really wants to come home could you pay for someone to pick him up? An Uber driver who is willing to go in? I think the problem with taxi is that they don’t go in and hospital needs to see someone coming in to collect your dh. When I had GA they wouldn’t let me go home in a taxi either.

But you would be bathing the kids and getting them in pjs anyway but you're making it sound like its something extra you will need to do . Just do normal bedtime routine then wait for the call. You sound a real martyr tbh.

Come on, you are being really unfair here. Of course he feels you don't care, it doesn't sound like you do. The most important thing happening that day is the surgery. You need to pick him up. It may be annoying not knowing the time, but there just is no way to. Even on the day it can change, no one can give him the information you want. It is one day, the children will cope.

How would you feel if it was the other way round?

YABVU , it doesn’t hurt children to alter their routine , do you seriously never go on holiday / out to dinner or do anything spontaneous

Crikey. You don't actually love him anymore, if you ever did, do you?

You're being monstrously over-dramatic and downright selfish. Your children are going to find a lot more upsetting things in life than missing a bath for one night and being driven in a warm car for a half hour there and half an hour back.

(Lots of people drive their pajama'd kids about at night because that's the only way they can get them to settle - you're not exactly going to be subjecting them to torture!)

How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot? If you were in his exact position, and he told you that he couldn't possibly go out of his routine for one solitary night because he'd miss the final of the darts? Because frankly, the effect on your children is going to be so minimal that that's a fair comparison.

Don't be surprised if in a few months he tells you he wants a divorce - not many people want to live with a rigid, selfish drama queen/king. It sucks all the joy out of life, and realising one's unloved by the very person you believed had your back through thick and thin tends to make one's own love wither up and die.

This on balance

He can't help what happens on the day. But he just actually doesn't care about the the impact on you and the kids as he simply has never cared enough to be involved

If he showed more understanding and appreciation to you, you would show it to him

Hire a babysitter.

Unless I’ve misunderstood, I think you’re being really unreasonable.

It will be a pain and may take a few days to get them back on schedule but it’s not catastrophic or anything. It’s just inconvenient. It doesn’t sound like there’s an alternative so you’re just going to have to suck it up. To go on about it when there is nothing he can do about it is really poor.

I think you’re getting a hard time.

As you’ve no childcare options, he really should stay overnight and get a taxi back home the next day.

If he really wants to come home, he should text you when he’s been discharged and then you can bundle the kids in the car and pick him up.

If he is expecting you to turn up at the hospital at 8pm and wait in the car for what could be hours then he is being very selfish because he could avoid you and the children this discomfort by spending the night in hospital.

And when all this is over, I would start leaving both kids with DH more often, it’s not fair that you never get a break (if baby will take formula/breastmilk in a bottle).

I am not surprise he is upset! Your attitude towards him is awful this is supposed to be the man you love and you can’t be bothered with disrupting your schedule this one time.

He doesn’t know what time he will be discharged, how on earth do you think he will find that out? You seem to make a point of it being elective as if that justifies your don’t care attitude. Well it doesn’t, he is still having a GA. I had a GA whilst they did fertility related tests, I guess that was elective but it didn’t mean my husband didn’t give a shit. He was absolutely there to pick me up.

Ask him to text you just before he goes down then you should have a rough idea how long he will be, then ring the ward when you think he will be back from theatre, they should be able to give you an idea of discharge time. If it is only a minor op chances are he will be discharged 1-2 hours after he gets back on the ward. If it is private his drugs & dressings etc & discharge letter will be waiting when he gets back from theatre.