Dh being an arse about his operation tomorrow

[Unicornenthusiast]

Dh is having an elective minor operation in a private hospital tomorrow. He was meant to be admitted in the morning but they have moved his surgery to the afternoon, meaning that his discharge time will be the same time as our dc's bedtime.

Dc are 8 months and 3, very good bedtime routines and good sleepers in general. My issue is that DH is extremely blasé about the fact that I need to bath and get both dc ready for bed and then drive 30 min to pick him up, whilst having the kiddos in the back of the car in their pyjamas (hopefully sleeping). He doesn't understand why I need to know exactly what time he'll be discharged and that we need a plan if his surgery is delayed.

He seems to think it's completely fine and easy if he's discharged a few hours later than planned, so I'd have to put the kids to bed and put them in the car a few hours later, or potentially sit in the hospital car park on a cold November night with a baby and a 3 year old.

I have to pick him up, there isn't anyone else who can do it and there's no one who could stay at home with the dc whilst I get him. Baby DS is fully breastfed so I couldn't leave him with anyone else anyway in case he woke up.

Now he's very upset with me and thinks I don't care about him...

or tell him to get one of his friends or relatives to do it.

I get that routines for kids are important and disruptions can be hard. But yabu. Massively!
I understand why he feels you don't care, because that's how it comes across. How on earth does he know exactly what time he will be discharged. There's no way anyone can tell you that. Some people take a lot longer than others to come around properly and be ok to leave and a taxi after a GA as others have quite rightly said is not a great idea for a lot of people.
In the nicest possible way... get over it. You'll be fine. The kids will be fine. It's one night and it won't do the kids or you any harm. Don't sit in the car park, leave when he is ready to be discharged.

Have you been to hospital lately? There's absolutely no way of knowing when you'll be discharged. Usually once everything's been done you're left waiting for many hours while the doctors do their rounds, final checks, get medication etc. There's nothing your DH can do about this. Either you get a babysitter or accept that the children's sleep will be disrupted. They'll survive.

I really don't see the issue. Slightly inconvenient but sometimes life cannot be planned to the last millisecond. You can change your rigid routine once in a while kids won't be affected if their bath or bed time is changed or if they don't have a bath it will all be fine stop stressing and just be there for your husband who needs you, on the other hand if you don't care and your husband is an arse just leave him there.

I can see his point about not wanting to stay in hospital. The chances are high that he won't sleep, what with being in a strange bed in a ward with other people with lots of coming and going and the whole thing will be a bit of a nightmare. If you contrast a night without sleep after an operation under GA on the one hand with the inconvenience to you of taking the children out on the other, I think the hospital patient wins.

I thought this was standard so the OP won't be able to collect.

Can you get a babysitter @Unicornenthusiast ? You'll need to be fully engaged with your DH's discharge regarding aftercare, meds etc. Negotiating this with little ones has stress written all over it I'm afraid.

Can I just give some friendly well-meaning advice? I know routine is massively important but so is flexibilty. Very often things don't go to plan and you just have to roll with it.

This really isn’t a big deal. Are you always over the top about minor things?

It won't matter for one day that the kids are out of their routine.

If the genders were reversed most women with small children would be encouraging her to have a child free night of recovery j hospital.

a non serious temporary admission to hospital is one of the most common fantasies for women with young children.

Are you worried about his operation OP? I can only think that is the reason you are being so unreasonable, you are turning your anxiety into irritation at your husband. Try to stay calm. Obviously disrupting the children's routine for one night, not giving them a bath (they can have one in the morning) is a pretty minor inconvenience when it come to picking up your spouse after an operation. When I had day surgery last year under GA my DDIL picked me up (taxi not allowed) and they insisted she come up to the ward and take me away in a wheelchair to the car. And I didn't know when I would be discharged until about half an hour before because they had to sort out my medication, letter to my GP, organise district nurse visits and other paperwork before I could leave. No one ever gets told 'you will be discharged at 8.00pm precisely'. And often they say you'll be discharged in an hour and something delays it all and you are there for ages waiting for your discharge. I imagine your DH is blase because he knows he cannot give you a definite time, so he's not getting worked up about something he has no control over when he must already be anxious about his operation.

He won't know what time he is going to be discharged. He is being blase because there is nothing he can do about the time! It is one evening. Put them in their pyjamas and let them fall asleep downstairs watching tv. Scoop them up, pick Dh up and come home. Inconvenient ? Yes. But Really not worth getting in a fix about.

Fairly sure you'll manage...then again it would even cross my mind to be blaming my DH like that when it's just a tricky situation, so maybe there are bigger problems.

Stuff that if he's being an arse tell him you won't pick him up he can stay overnight and you will see him the next day. job done.

You won't be given an exact time.
No matter how simple or small the procedure is.
Depending on where and what the operation is. It maybe he can't go home until he passed water, or the other end.
There are countless other things that are taken into account before discharged, they can only ever give you an estimate.
If he has an adverse reaction to anything he may even be kept in overnight.

I now have slightly older children but I can't imagine a situation where my husband would demand I dragged two children out of bed to come and pick him up at an unspecified time if there was an option for him to stay overnight.

I actually think he would think I had gone nuts if i suggested doing it, if he desperately wanted to come home he would have arranged for his mum or a friend to pick him up rather than disrupt the children.

But then we had shit sleepers and children that would never go back to sleep if they got woken up so perhaps everyone else with their lovely compliant children would make a different choice.

If he needs to be picked up - you pack children up and go. It's hardly a night out! Not convenient but if you were saying this to me I'd think you very unsympathetic.

This. I get it, I'm a planner and I like routine and I'd be internally stressing about it but for a one off you have to just accept it. No, he can't possibly know what time he will be discharged and if he's having a GA he's probably a bit anxious, elective or not.

Yabvu he's probably feeling really nervous and scared and your making it worse by stressing him out more. Do your normal nighttime routine and wait for his call then chuck the kids in the car and get him its a one off at a weekend the kids will be fine

You even sound cheesed off about arranging the taxi to take him to the hospital OP - that must have been a cosy three-minute chore.

He has no control over his discharge time and I don't blame him for not wanting to spend the night in hospital. It is just one night where you don't bath the children. I get it, with baby it's less than ideal and is a hassle for you but he's your dh and it is only one evening of inconvenience. Its one of those things that you just have to suck up. It sounds like the greater issue is that you are annoyed because he isn't thinking of the fact that he's causing you inconvenience or making your life harder. You said he's never put both kids to bed, why us that? Your resentment us building and at some point it needs to be addressed.

Unclench and stop being so controlling OP.
He is having an operation and all you have to do is put the kids in the car and pick him up.
YABVVU
Geez get some perspective.

YABU ! It’s an irregular event which he has little control over!

You sound incredibly selfish OP. How would you feel if situations were reversed?
So your welfare being minimised.
MN would be up in arms.

He won’t be on a ward. He’s a private patient, he’ll be in a single room with an ensuite. I don’t know which of you’s worse @Unicornenthusiast - you for being so rigid or him for not just staying overnight. I think you’re both being unreasonable.

Of course he can get a taxi. The hospital can make recommendations but he can do whatever the fuck he wants.