Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

It’s ‘hard work’ because you are never going to understand. Because you don’t want to.

My daughter has been mistaken for a boy, since she was 3. She’s white, and had long hair until last year.
i really think you are probably reading too much into this OP
Unless your daughter is wearing a crinoline and doing embroidery, it’s a fairly common mistake
and frankly, who cares whether a random stranger thinks your DC is a boy or a girl?

I wonder if it's because people are so unused to seeing girls with natural afro hair? So often it's straightened or braided? So then they just assume it's a boy maybe?
How long is long? I had bobbed hair as a child and was mistaken for a boy, so it doesn't have to be short, short for that to happen. If it's below shoulder length though then I'm surprised that people still make the mistake.

Thank you @NurseBernard

That's just silly but I'll bite.

If the PP had 'wanted' anyone to understand, she probably wouldn't have been so patronising. I mean that hardly makes for the best discussion, does it?

You can be offended because people shouldn’t assume gender! But don’t make it something it’s not to justify your hurt feelings.

I think there are studies that show people find it harder to differentiate features on those from other ethnicities to their own.

My son is mixed race and he had a bun for about 6 months but no one ever thought he was a girl which I was actually surprised about.

It seems there may be evolutionary reasons we find it more difficult to correctly 'sex' or 'differentiate' outside our own race.
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/science/neurophilosophy/2011/aug/15/people-other-races-look-alike

It's only very recently that humans have had the freedom of movement and exposure to other races, fashions and gender indicators that we have now, so it's not surprising our brains are pretty limited in what they can deduce.
I don't think there's as much biological advantage to correctly sex a baby or toddler as there is one past puberty and can therefore be a partner or a threat, so we probably haven't developed that skill.
But that's science and evolution not racism.

It is possible that many people, white or otherwise, would consider an afro hair syle as 'gender neutral', so would look next to clothes, and if they don't see pink and frills they will assume the child is a boy.

Alternatively, some white people may equate afro with boy, but I am not sure about this. I wouldn't call it racism, just unfamiliarity with cultural conventions for the particular type of hair.

Your alternatives are: to do something more girly with her hair; dress her in pink and frills; or not mind when people get it wrong.

My boy was often called a girl because I'd dress him in bright tops eg red jumpers.
People pick up on lots of subconscious 'clues' filtered through their own experiences and prejudices.

My two year-old is a white male with short hair and is dressed in trousers and t-shirts from the boys section. He is regularly mistaken as a girl. Doesn't bother me at all.

My daughter had longish (still growing) blond hair. Often dressed in dresses etc. still called a bot repeatedly as a toddler. Wouldn't read too much into it

No it was not a tangent. It is relevant. I said that posters on here saying how their white child being mistaken for the wrong sex does not mean that the ops experience doesn't have some form of racial bias. You asked why. I then gave you an example of how a white person and a black person may experience what looks like the same thing, but the black persons experience has an added racial element to it. That's not a tangent. It's literally what we are talking about.

I have a son who constantly gets mistaken for a girl. He has curls at the end and it’s quite long (he’s 18m), and (in my eyes!) quite ‘pretty’ looking. What I find odd, it that even when he’s throwing a tantrum, people say things like, ‘you can tell she’s got a lovely disposition, she’s just a bit out of sorts in a new environment’, (pretty much a verbatim quote when at a restaurant - but have had a lot of similar comments). A lot of the times I’ve been out with NCT friends, one who is a boy, never gets confused with being a girl, and is probably less stroppy than my son. The mum always gets comments like, ‘typical boy, they’re always so boisterous’.

It is possible that many people, white or otherwise, would consider an afro hair syle as 'gender neutral

Yes I think that's the point and it's problematic. The ops dds hair texture has nothing to do with her sex. That's just her hair texture.

How is….

”Hoards of posters giving examples of how their children are mistaken for the wrong sex are not evidence that racial bias isn't at play here”

…in any way ‘patronising’?

My DS was often mistaken for a girl until he was 14.

Perhaps not, but there is quite a lot of difference between a two year old and a 12 year old.

It probably becomes gradually more clear until puberty and then all doubt is removed at puberty when hormones and secondary sexual features kick in.

Saying that, I was misgendered quite a bit at 16-18. But I was flat chested.

My so. got mistaken for a girl frequently because he had a fondness for pink t-shirts 🤷‍♀️

It might be the hair, might not I dunno.

My son had white blond hair that fell in big curls as a baby/toddler and despite normally being dressed in clothes like navy shorts and tee-shirts was routinely told what a beautiful girl he was. Once I got a bit sick of it and said ‘yes he is beautiful but he’s a boy’ and the woman ‘are you sure?’ Um yes.

We’re white, the people who normally mistook my son were not. Perhaps we read facial cues less well across races rather than it being racism?
But mostly it’s just one of those things. It can get a bit wearying at the time but it stops as they grow.

It wasn't.

I as talking about comedycook's "Oh dear, this is hard work."

Like she's doing everyone a favour by posting on the thread.

Yes and then the pp asked me "why?" in response to that post... I said that was hard work (i assume that's why she thinks I was patronising) because honestly if you can't work out that a white persons experience and a black persons experience may differ due to racial bias, then yes, explaining it is hard work.

My daughter could be dressed in pink from head to toe with a bow on top and was often called a boy. She had very little hair until she was well over 2 and what did grow grew up rather then out (she had a sort of mohawk for a long time). She couldn't be much paler with very fair hair. I don't think anyone means anything by it and certainly don't think it's a race thing. I think people just don't look properly or just veer towards him rather than her

Are we all supposed to thank you for the hard work you're apparently putting in here?

Anyway, this thread is not about you so perhaps we should go back to talking about the OP.

There might be an element of racism. I'm not qualified to answer.

I can tell you that as a similarly vertically curly haired (white) child in the 80s, I was often mistaken for a boy. One of my boys was taken for a girl...when sitting next to his identical twin brother!

Children up to the age of about 3 are pretty androgynous looking and often the only indicators are hair and clothing.

Personally I think the reason this has upset you is the very reason this woman came over and apologised. She really didn't want you to think she was racist (I'm assuming she said something to your daughter and didn't want her to repeat it without context) and you in turn have assumed a possibly unconscious intent.