Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

Honestly, I'd always associated afros more with girls - men and boys seem to have their head quite close shaven.

Although it's quite hard to tell with a lot of African diaspora women, because quite a lot wear headties!

I hadn't realised they were associated more with boys.

I hear you but I'm really not sure. My boy is always called a girl, by everyone, every time we go anywhere. He is always dressed in a quite deliberate unisex outfit.

I've just realised you haven't specifed that your daughter's heritage is at some point African - I'd just assumed it from the afro comments.

I apologise for any offence.

They aren't necessarily associated with boys - it doesn't go as deep as that. Afros take a long time to appear long distance to the tight curl pattern. People see short, think boy. It's not specific to the type of hair, just the length

Maybe I've misread the OP then - I thought they said their daughter was assumed to be a boy due to having an afro.

As for length, is it really significantly different to the Caucasian 1-2 years?

I know max hair length differs person to person, didn't realise there was an ethnicity difference.

Maybe I've misread the OP then - I thought they said their daughter was assumed to be a boy due to having an afro.

That is what OP was assuming. Lots of people including myself are suggesting it's because the hair is short rather than because it's Afro as their/my dc with short non Afro hair have also regularly been mistaken for boys

Oh. But the hair isn't short if it's an afro. That isn't special to afro type hair, it's the same for any curly type hair.

Curly hair appears shorter. My dd has a curl pattern one less than afro (she is mixed race but visually not immediately obvious) it is barely below her ears dry but half way down her back when wet. Alternatively using my white niece as an example. Very fine hair can often take a very long time to grow. Hers was extremely short til she was about 4 so not really cultural as such. Just hair type dependant. Some 4 year olds in my school class at work have thick hair down to their bums and have probably never been mistaken for a boy whereas my niece still regularly was

Oh. But the hair isn't short if it's an afro. That isn't special to afro type hair, it's the same for any curly type hair.

I know this is exactly what I've said. It appears short

But presumably it appears shorter when it's actually longer in reality.
My son's hair needs to get well past his shoulders to look long because he has curls.
He gets misgendered when his hair is long.
He gets misgendered in neutral colours.
He gets misgendered more often than correctly gendered.
But I assume no racial motivation because he is white.
Being misgendered is clearly very common.

I have very curly hair myself, I'm well aware that the bottom of the curl will sit higher on the head (or, indeed, higher than the head), but that doesn't make it appear shorter. It's still the same length, wet or dry.

Apologies. I think I failed to comprehend this because it didn't seem to make any logical sense. How can an afro appear short?

However, this does explain why people are sometimes surprised at the length of my hair, even if they've known me for a while... I kinda just thought they were a bit unobservant

Maybe I'm the dim one. I didn't realise curly hair was supposed to appear shorter...

well because on the whole your white daughters short hair will grow longer downwards, an Afro will always be an Afro.

This is the sort of statement that indicates you don’t understand Afro hair at all. It is a type of hair, much like any other. It can be styled in an infinite variety of ways - some of which are more conventionally feminine than others - and in all directions. You seem little girls with Black mums, right? Are they all wandering around with the exact same generic Afro or is their hair styled?

Learn about your daughter’s hair!

• You’re apparently combing and oiling her hair every day. Afro hair isn’t meant to be manipulated that regularly.
• You’re not putting it in any protective styles (please note that plaits aren’t the only protective style, if you can’t do those in a way that will stay put, there are other styles you can learn).
• Shrinkage happens to Afro hair. It’s lovely with or without it, but there’s a range of easy, heat free and chemical free, ways of managing it so that you can see the length of her hair. This provides variety. The first picture illustrates what I mean.
• There are a variety of cute easy age appropriate hairstyles. Learn how to do them. The little girls in these examples are unlikely to be mistaken for boys.

She’s already existing in a world in which she doesn’t fit the stereotypical beauty aesthetic and she’s going to start realising that soon. One of the ways of countering the narrative that straight blonde hair is best is making sure she knows that she has awesome Afro hair that can be styled in a huge variety of beautiful ways.

Omg! That's shocking, how upsetting for you. X

Learn about your daughter’s hair! I am learning, I’ve been learning since I had my eldest. My point in this thread has been in its natural state my child’s hair will not be straight down- and I’m highlighting the link between that narrative and femininity and as such beauty.
I don’t appreciate the bashing when you have
little to no idea of my children. Obviously I have had to make a conscious effort to educate myself and I think im doing a good job- not perfect but constantly trying. But I will not be pulling at my 2 year olds hair to fit a subconsciously racial bias narrative!

I'm not understanding your 'supposed to'?! Take a coil of your hair and stretch it as far as it will go. It will be significantly longer than the rest of your hair ie your hair looks/appears shorter than it actually is. Curly hair does not grow any slower but takes a lot longer to look visibly longer. That's just how it works. There is no supposed to about it

All of the images supplied are of hair in its natural state. And styling your child’s hair in a variety of fun and interesting ways, some of which maximise length and some of which do not, is not pulling at your 2 year olds hair to fit a subconsciously racial bias narrative. If you’re ‘pulling at’ her hair, then you’re not doing it properly. And you’re the one who is apparently manipulating her hair daily (which is awful for it) and refusing to learn about protective styling.

The fact that you think anything other than just a plain Afro is somehow ‘unnatural’ is really telling. Little girls of all races get their hair styled in a variety of age appropriate ways, but your daughter doesn’t get that because any styling is somehow suspect to you? You think this is in her best interests? Again, what does the hair of the little girls with Black mums look like?

And pointing all this out is somehow ‘bashing you’. Right. You are raising a woman who the world codifies as Black. Read the above and my previous comments again and really think about that, please. Then ask a Black woman or pull up a YouTube video or two and learn how to properly do your daughter’s hair.

Yeah, but it's not longer and it doesn't appear any longer. Just straighter. This is just how it works. I know we talk colloquially about shoulder-length hair, but that doesn't mean the hair is actually the same length as the distance between your head and your shoulder. That's not even true for straight hair - it grows from all different places on your head.

I think we're talking at cross purposes.

When my boys had long (not actually long just not short) hair they were often mistaken for girls.

It doesn't matter does it?

I understand what you’re saying (and agree), if that helps. 😊

I can only speak for myself, but I answered this thread as I do all the others I reply to. I have experienced people thinking my daughter was a boy, so i replied. I'm not remotely interested in proving someone wrong if they think it is racist. I'm white and have obviously never experienced racism for my self, but I have experienced something similar to what the op describes.

Is the op saying that because her daughter's hair is different to that of white people that it will always appear short and she will always be mistaken for a boy? I genuinely want to know.

I definitely think there is a stereotype of long hair = girl and short hair = boy. I can see that they may impact black people more because of the nature of their hair. I don't think that is concious racism though. More an unfortunate result of outdated norms, which I honestly think are getting worse, not better. These days feminine characteristics seem to make someone a woman and visa versa. That's not an improvement as far as I'm concerned.

Out of interest are you or your child mixed race?

Thatone half long one part short hair is awesome. How is it done?