Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

I had a very fair DD who looked bald until she was about 1 - even in pink and bows people would say "oh isn't he lovely" it didn't really bother me- at the end of the day it's a stranger's opinion!

I know Disney are more diverse now @TenPointsFromHufflepuff but I don’t think anyone can deny that what, seventy years of Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora and the like influenced little girls’ ideas of beauty.

Most under tens aren’t familiar with Greek and Roman gods (unless it’s MN.) They know who Elsa is, though.

And children grow up and go through puberty and usually at that point sex becomes clear and people stop relying on markers such as what clothes you are wearing and what length your hair is to determine your sex.

My ds has always had longer hair and was mistaken for a girl until he was about 12. It's life that people don't care enough about your kid to give anything but a cursory glance and to try and determine their sex. Boys and girls look the same mostly. You clearly want your dd to feel 'pretty' so it is up to you to instill that in her, not to rely on stranger(who like previously mentioned don't actually care about your child) to do that.

Maybe that's blunt but in 2022 it's kind of shit that there are still people out there fixated on whether or not their toddler is seen as 'pretty' by society. I thought we were moving towards encouraging girls to be brave, strong and smart. Not getting hung up on whether or not they are deemed 'pretty' when they are just out of nappies.

My thin, straight-haired, blond daughter was misgendered several times as a teen as she liked to wear trousers (girl's trousers) to school.

Little girls tend to wear leggjngs and little boys joggers, I've found. If yours are in joggers could this be contributing to the confusion?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers thank you for this thread. I learnt about my unconscious bias today. I never realised that yes, I do associate hair growing down = feminine!

I hope you daughter and niece are able to be proud of their afros.

The post about the 'angelic' blond curls made me snort! Have you not realised that you don't describe straight black hair as angelic or curly afro hair as angelic?? And ever wondered why? And what that does to kids who don't have this percieved 'beautiful' hair?

How do you expect people to figure out your child’s gender?

YABVU to attribute malice to it, when it’s purely lack of other options really.

Examining these sort of attitudes is surely a start but we can’t do that if we just keep insisting they don’t exist.

I don't think anyone is claiming they don't exist, but just in this particular situation there are other more likely factors at play. Ie. Sexism.

But beauty standards have been changing over the last few years to favour those with black heritage. Beyonce for example has made the slim curvy look more prevalent which a lot of white women's bodies are not made for. Myself I know I can be slim or fat. Curves in all the wrong places, which, as the NHS reminds me, is largely to do with with my racial heritage.

What happens if it turns out angels are real do have fair hair?

Aren't they described in the Bible as terrifying?
I don't think I'd fancy meeting one tbh. Not just because it would be evidence I'm off my rocker.

My dd has blonde hair and blue eyes and was called a boy! It was just her face

@Lndnmummy

Sexism is generally a much more tolerated term by white women than racism and white privilege...

How do you know I am white?

I got the same with my eldest and we’re white/she’s blond. If I put any blue on her, even if it was a blue dress she got called he. I always thought it was her boofy head. Though it is also true she didn’t have much in the way of hair at all until she was approaching 4. Though she did have an excellent natural mullet at around 3…

I think it might be hair length (down the back) that's associated with girls rather than necessarily the colour of the hair? At least my DS, with long dark wavy hair, was often mistaken for a girl, even when dressed in typical boy style clothes. Older people made the mistake more often, I think because they were more likely to expect boys to have short, cropped hair.

Actually @Lndnmummy and @OnlyFoolsnMothers have helped me understand how it is different @nightbulb

A lot to dissect here.

Fact is little girls like to see themselves in characters. Elsa I imagine is popular with little blonde girls, just as belle is popular with little brunette girls and Ariel little red heads.

Now there may be something in how much Elsa and Ana were pushed as a separate line to Disney princesses and the motives behind that. Officially Disney say it's because Elsa is a queen and her colours were too similar to Cinderella to be included in the line up. That that film in particular was very popular is obviously a factor. But we'd have to know why it's popular to rule in or out racism.

So

Elsa was designed to look stereotypically white Nordic. Is this because steadfastness to the fairytales roots (like we see in Moana)?

Is it subsequently more.popular in countries where Elsa and Ana are more representing of the average girl.

Are characters like Moana more popular in countries where she is more representing of the general population?

It's a bit tangled, because yes western beauty standards do tend to prevail, but you would have to figure out who is pushing them. Because Disney do produce diverse heroines now. But is it active racism that makes one character more popular than another, or does it simply come down to 'yay this princess looks most like me'.

The other problem will be some Disney's are better than others. Elsa is basically a superhero. It's why she's more popular than Cinderella or snow white because they are largely passive in their own stories. To truly dissect it Disney would need to release identical stories with multi racial characters and then look at popularity amongst fans who do not resemble the heroines.

Anecdotally in my day jasmine was the beauty standard for Disney. Now there have been articles stating her features were westernised by Disney. That is more evidence of unconscious bias than someone misgendering toddlers imo. But again, where was the drive to westernise her coming from?

It might have something to do with unconscious racism, absolutely, but I think it's hard to be sure.

Both of my DSs had a period of (more mousy brown than golden, still) curls and before that a bald period. They wore the same neutral clothes. But DS1 was repeatedly taken for a girl while DS2 never was. As they've grown older I think it's to do with facial features. Only 5 and 7 now, but DS1 has regular but small facial features and a tiny nose. (Undoubtedly to change into a massive familial nose at puberty.) DS2 has a heavy brow and deepset eyes, and a squarer overall face. His face is recognisably a boy face. But I think a lot of children have essentially androgynous faces until puberty hits, and those children are (depending on hair and clothes) always somewhat liable to being misidentified.

I cant believe how many people desperate to show off their right on credentials are slagging me off for my perfectly I innocent comments about my sons blond curly hair and angelic facebeing mistaken for a girl. I bet none of you have even set foot outside this country.
I am from mixed race family, my two sisters are mixed race and we were brought up in a tropical country surrounded by my step fathers family. We all got on just fine.
Here on mumsnet I am some kind of nazi. Get a life. Do a bit of travelling.

I dont know. But I avoided dressing my daughter in pink and she was often mistaken for a boy. She is very pale (white) and her hair is ginger but was very slow to grow. I always thought it was a combination of short hair and non pink clothes, mostly trousers.

@Bestcatmum don't travel much because of global warming but also fear of flying. Sad I know but there it is ...

I said before my mixed race DS with big afro was mistaken for a girl. But also my mixed race DD with smaller afro was mistaken for a boy. But only when they were young. Not mistaken now and they still have lovely afro although I wish my ds would look after his better - a subject for a different thread maybe.

I don’t think travelling is what’s needed.

Angelic is a common adjective used when describing someone with blonde hair, so it is interesting considering why that is (while darker people often get ‘exotic.’)

I mean, ultimately we recognise beauty similar to our own more readily. Partly evolutionary and partly because we are more likely to be able to emulate it.

Japan and Korea have the beauty standard of straight black glossy hair and beautiful natural glowing skin. Are the Japanese racist for preferring this over curly red hair?

Korean beauty skin standards have been exported to the UK and US. Ten step beauty regimes are big business throughout the world. Some women with good skin and able to emulate it, regardless of race and hence it has travelled far. Further than the smooth hair which is out of some people's reach, partly due to race and genetics.

But blemishes remain a problem for those with very pale skin, hence the minimal make up Korean healthy skin look will never catch on everywhere and things like heavy foundation and fake tan prevail in women who can't attain the same look.

This isn't racism, it's just recognising your limitations and what works best for you.

Pretty sure angels are supposed to have wheels and be on fire. Hopefully nobody's human child is literally angelic looking.