Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

❤️

What a bizarre post. What's travelling got to do with it?! 🤔

My daughter with blonde hair was often mistaken for a boy as a toddler even when wearing pink flowery clothes! It's to do with hair length I think.

No one is personally attacking anyone for their use of the word angel in relation to blonde children...but we are discussing the reasons why, in our society, blonde hair is linked to being angelic. Lets then look at the results of that. I remember my mixed race ds at primary school having a fallout with a blonde, blue eyed boy. Guess whose side the teacher was on? The imagery and stereotypes are so pervasive.

@Rosieisposy is saying exactly what I want to, but far more eloquently.

This thread has made me think about my own prejudices and those of the society I am a product and part of

My blond little girl was always mistaken for a boy. I preferred blue comfy clothing to dresses and she had a weird comb over for ages! It didn't bother me when people referred to her as 'lithe boy' and I rarely corrected them if they were strangers.

Oh and I remember the "angelic" looking blonde girl in my dds class...she was a nasty little bully but of course, this was never picked up on or tackled.

@Comedycook sadly that doesn't surprise me, given the adultification of black children that leads to teenage girls being brutally strip-searched at school. It's far more important than what society thinks pretty looks like.

Yes exactly!

I remember one evening hanging my dcs clothes on the washing line outside...I could smell weed coming from one of my neighbours gardens...white, middle class people. We do not smoke weed or even cigarettes. I absolutely lost my shit....had to bring my washing indoors. Because if my dc go outside our house with the smell of weed on their clothes, what will happen? What will people think? Because there's one rule for middle class white people and another for black/mixed race kids. It's like stop and search...black kid is stopped and maybe a tiny amount of weed found... everyone exclaims that stop and search is working! ..why don't the police hang round expensive bars and stop and search the posho rupert types who spend their weekend shoving coke up their noses?!

But again, you can't just make a sweeping statement of racism without looking at the facts.

Blonde boy bully:
What was the falling out about?
Was it investigated?
Was physical violence involved? Both sides? One side?
Were there any witnesses?
Was it part of an ongoing bullying issue or a one off?

And yes,.of course racism could absolutely be at the bottom of it. But not always. Again that broadstroke brush is unhelpful when applied without looking at the actual situation.

And the blonde girl picking on the other children, did she just pick on black children or did she pick on brunette white children as well?

Was it blonde privilege or white privilege?
Were there other factors?
Pushy or scary parent?
Sneaky child able to go under the radar without getting caught?
Friendship group and bullying issues to 'cover' behaviour?
Inadequate teacher?
Prejudice teacher?

It's not as simple as blonde girls get special treatment. My school bully was blonde and got away with it. It was not because she was blonde she wasn't tackled it was because she came from a violent gypsy family. The deputy head basically told me they were scared to tackle it.

It doesn't mean I assume all blondes are cunts or getaway with things because.of.their hair colour.

I could have written that post. People have NO idea.❤️

My dc and his friends were not older than 5-6 when they realised that the teacher always took the blonde girls side. As a result, to protect themselves, they decided it was just easier to stay away from playing with them. 💔

I don't think anyone disputes that.
But it's a long way away from ops dilemma.
People are not saying racism doesn't exist.
They are saying in this particular case it's not necessarily racism.
That doesn't mean they are minimising other incidents of racism.
Personally I think seeing racism in something that isn't necessarily racism means actual racism is taken less seriously.

Horrendous but totally irrelevant to this post.

Yet the OP or anyone with black/brown children don't find it irrelevant🤔? It appears only white mothers of white children find it irrelevant.

Yes I may have digressed slightly from the original post, but conversations evolve and the underlying issue is the perception of black children and how it differs from the perception of white children.

And it starts early...like when my six month old ds was described as a gangster by another mum at a baby group

Not really irrelevant on a thread about bias against non-white children

Racism isn’t just running down the street shouting the N word. It runs far deeper than that. And we see here there’s a subtle way of putting the blame onto black people for racism existing it is because you see racism everywhere so no one takes real racism seriously - not true.

Ffs. Guess he had a chip on his shoulder or anger management issues, as an infant. 🙄🤬💔

Well no,
I believe studies have shown that many teachers have an unconscious bias against black boys in particular. It's reflected in exclusion rates etc so backed up by sound theory. It's really obvious how this has far reaching implications.

I'm sorry, but a child getting misgendered just doesn't have the same likelihood of being racially motivated, or far reaching implications.

Again, as I said, it could be racially motivated, of course it could. If the parent deliberately kept misgendering when they knew full well the child's sex. But as the mum apologised(which is standard regardless of colour) it seems unlikely.

On a thread assuming bias actually, yes there is bias and micro aggressions and out and out racism, no denying any of that but this is not it. My kids were constantly mistaken for the wrong gender and they are white.

Irrelevant to THIS post not irrelevant, don’t put words in my mouth for an argument.