Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

No I completely understand your point of view, though I do think that in those instances as well that there are subtexts that the child is not conforming to the persons view of how a child of a certain gender to look like, which might not necessarily have to do with race. In my experience, my son with his ‘vertical’ Afro was still mistaken to be a girl. OP genuinely feels that her experience has to do with racism so have to respect that as well though, even though I don’t strongly agree.

I honestly think it's more about hair....as you say, your daughter has an afro and other black girls have braids...which in the same way as a ponytail or bunches on a white toddler, look like a girls hairstyle.
Up to 10 years old I was mistaken for a boy because my mother made me keep my hair short, and I wore jeans.
My grandson had beautiful ringlets and lived in a place where boys hair isn't cut until they are 3....if it's in their eyes it's clipped back or tied up....over there nobody made a girl /boy assumption as they were used to that, but when he visited the UK if he had a clip in his hair people would say 'what a beautiful girl, look at her ringlets'.

I don't want to minimise your concerns about racism, but I really do think it's more about gender assumptions based on indicators on clothing and hair. We don't have much neutral gender language in English, so people have to refer to a he, her or they, and make their best guess based on clothes and hair accessories to try not to offend the parent, as toddlers look basically genderless. If your daughter had a clip in her afro, people would identify her as being a girl.

Yes you are being unreasonable.

My DD was often mistaken for a boy when her hair was short even wearing feminine clothes.
My DS is often mistaken for a girl as his hair is long even if wearing a jumper with trucks on it!
I think it's really hard to tell at that age what sex they are. In the park I usually say it's not your turn let that child go first as I don't want to make a mistake

My dds hair is lovely and straight and blonde.. she is never mistaken for a boy, but how is that anyone's fault?? Short hair will always be mistaken for a boy.. if it bothers her, put a bow in it You have very concisely proved my
point so I thank you.

My UK experience is that people go entirely by hair length.

So my daughter who's hair didn't grow for ages was always called a boy even in 'girly' clothes, and my now long haired son is called a girl even head to toe in black/blue with dinosaurs.

Agree with PP that most children look pretty androgynous when they are young. My DD was constantly mistaken for a boy when she was young because I didn't dress her in pink.

Just to be clear. You'd want to steer clear of the person that was 'unconsciously' racist too.

This thread is really tiring and a perfect example of why it is so damn hard to advocate for your children when people denying them their experiences.

I teach a white child of 10 with long blonde hair worn in a ponytail with an undercut. He's a boy and wears the 'trouser uniform' but is constantly assumed to be a girl, even with his boyish features.
It's hair length and style more than anything.

I remember being 10 at a fireworks night and some woman said to her child, let the little boy through lol. Also got confused when I was 15 for a teacher . I'd cut my own hair . Both times short styles. It's all in the hair I reckon. My friendbhas a little boy with long hair gets called she all the time

That Caucasian long hair/ blonde is linked with being feminine and thus “pretty”

I’m white and had short hair as a child and people constantly referred to me as a boy. I think people are just glancing at your child and making assumption, not being racist at all.

That Caucasian long hair/ blonde is linked with being feminine and thus “pretty”

That doesn't mean your daughter isn't seen as pretty, and that wasn't the point of this thread.

It's rare you see a mixed race toddler who isn't absolutely gorgeous. But your thread was about hair.

It's not about race, it's about your child wearing "boys" clothes and having a gender neutral hairstyle. There's nothing wrong with either but there's nothing that indicates your dd is female so people have to guess, if them misgendering upsets you why not combine practical jeans with a pink top?

My friends ds was often mid gendered as a girl because he had long hair as a toddler.

Personally I would just correct people politely and leave it at that. My dd did wear boys clothes too but I combined with a more girly top usually

For goodness sake, not everything is about race, my blonde dc was always Called a boy

By the way, at 2 both of mine had very short hair, didn't start to grow properly until nearly 3, they didn't look feminine, and looked a year or so younger than they were. I personally think Afro hair looks lovely, I'm actually impressed that people think a long Afro style could be a boy, that's progress as for years boy = short cropped hair.

DS has always been mistaken for a girl. It's his long, thick eyelashes.
As a baldy, blonde baby, even in blue people would comment on "her". He didn't stay blonde for long, and now as a 12yo boy with shoulder length, dark brown hair, minecraft, dark clothes, people still think he's a girl. He's pretty androgenous really and has quite fine, elfin features for his age and doesn't look as old as he is.
I've taught him to just politely correct people.

DS2 is blonde and gets mistaken far less often. He's of similar build but has a fuller face. His eyelashes aren't as thick and long and even in his baldy baby years, being a chunkier baby he wasn't called a girl nearly as much.

You are set on the idea finding racism so no amount of logical arguments will convince you otherwise. You are now saying because your little girl is mistaken for a boy it is because 'Caucasian type is perceived as prettier'. Only a very confused mind can come to this conclusion. Perhaps you had some unpleasant experiences in your life, but don't teach your young child that everyone around is racist

We are white and my eldest daughter was always being mistaken for a boy. I dressed her in blue and not obviously girly clothes sometimes and I think in general she just looked a bit like a boy. I doubt it's anything to do with race.

This post illustrates white privilege perfectly. ' For goodness sake'. For YOUR child nothing is about race. They are white. For the OP's children, the vast majority of their lived experiences will be about race.

Why is this so damn hard for people to understand?!