Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

That’s exactly what I thought she was asking, and that’s what I responded to. If that’s not clear to you from my response on styling and shrinkage, then it’s unlikely that you know very much about Afro hair.

It's definitely not always because of race. My daughter is white and has bright blonde hair. She is always mistaken for a boy. The other day she had on a purple romper with cats on and a pink cardigan... she still was called 'he' by at least 3 people that day. IMO she doesn't look like a boy either, but who knows! I think often if a baby isn't wearing a dress and a bow in it's hair it's assumed to be a boy.

What has eye colour got to do with it? It seems the parents of blue eyed children need to mention it .

The OP cares for her children’s hair every day, why do you assume she doesn’t know about styling and shrinkage?

So true. Blonde and blue eyed is still seen as the gold standard for children in this country.

If she thinks there’s any question as to how one judges Afro hair length, then she clearly doesn’t know about styling and shrinkage. And, as we’re having this conversation, neither do you.

I am not repeating myself to you again.

She asking a rhetorical question to a poster who clearly knows nothing about afro hair.

Yes I think you are correct. Not for me personally.

Nope.

Just to be clear. By racial bias do you suspect they are doing it to be unkind because of your child's race? Or do you think it is more like a bias of ignorance. Such as they don't understand black beauty and femininity vs black masculinity? Or perhaps a mix of the two?

Also not to dismiss your concerns in any way but if it is merely a factor of ignorance I'm not sure it does much good to focus on it. But if it's because they are being lowkey racist I suppose I could understand you might want to steer clear of that person.

Do black or mixed race parents make the same mistake?

The sex of young children is deemed less important to many of us nowadays - toys, clothes, expectations etc. But dressing children in certain ways came about as a means of conveying which sex they were, as otherwise they all look pretty much the same.

If you CARE that people know what sex the girls are then tie some ribbons in their hair or put a pink jumper on them. Otherwise accept that no one else cares their sex isn't obvious to others.

I think hair does have something to do with it. I’m mixed race (Asian) and had / have a lot of hair, so I’m sure I was never mistaken for a boy.

My boy, on the other hand, has inherited my lots and lots of dark Asian hair, and his is curly and not short (a long boys’ cut if that makes sense) and even now gets mistaken for a girl (he’s seven). He has been mistaken for a girl since he was a baby. I didn’t help people out with his clothes because I literally couldn’t have cared less, but I don’t think people look for clothes cues; I do think the long hair, long eye-lashes thing makes people immediately think girl.

It’s really depressing, OP, but as a mixed race brown skinned person, I too wanted long blonde hair when I was a kid. I lived in a very white place and I didn’t see anyone else in the neighbourhood or on tv who looked like me. But I live in a very diverse area now, and I am so proud of my heritage and I love my skin tone and my hair.

My blue eyed blonde hair DD was constantly called a boy, even when wearing pink tops and jeans because her hair wouldn't grow much as a toddler, I don't think she had a hair cut at all til she was 4 or 5.
I think it's more about shorter hair and androgynous faces. It's probably more unconscious sexism/stereotyping.
I saw an interesting programme a few years ago about how our brains function to recognise people, apparently if you put someone e into a country with people of different races (the example was a European going into Japan or china from memory), it would take years for our adult brains to learn the mapping of face constructions and the other attributes of recognition of people to be as good at facial recognition of the new race of that country compared to their homeland. I don't personally see this as racism, it's more about brain mapping and function

If your daughters hair makes her look like a boy... how is that anybody else's fault?? Sorry but I have long straight hair, should I be offended that it doesnt make me look manly?? My dds hair is lovely and straight and blonde.. she is never mistaken for a boy, but how is that anyone's fault?? Short hair will always be mistaken for a boy.. if it bothers her, put a bow in it.

@phishy tbh blue eyes and blonde hair are pretty spectacular looking, especially in girls. Always makes them look like little models.

She doesn’t have short hair- It is a type of hair- and the OP is pointing out that many people seem to perceive her hair as boyish.
She is a girl with natural hair (not short) who is often mistaken for a boy.

@Accoucheuse07 well it's obviously in a style looks masculine..? My dds hair is long and blonde and feminine.. but saying that is not racist..

Her eye colour doesn’t matter a jot in reference to if she is female or male .

My DD. 19 months. Blonde, brown eyes, wears pink a lot. ‘Oh hes gorgeous ’ at least twice in the last month. She doesn’t have a lot of hair so I can only assume it’s that? I think she has a girlie face but I do dress her casually so who knows. I voted YABU as I just don’t think ppl care enough to properly look before making comments

No it really doesn't. You seem quite proud of your dd's hair and eye colour, but being blond and blue eyed doesn't make anyone automatically look like a model. It's no more spectacular than other combos.

Yes, I agree. However, I think when you are a person of colour and a white person comments on gender, hair etc it can be a bit murky due to the history of race relations. I don't disagree with you, I'm just offering a view to ponder. Parity has yet to be achieved. Also interesting is the number of posts describing white, blonde, blue-eyed children having had similar situations to OP. I am suggesting the difference is that there is no perceived sub-text that the child is needing to conform in any way, or is "lesser than, which is not always the case with people of colour.
I would invite those more informed and eloquent to elaborate - I'm not expert and I'm trying to tread carefully and sensitively. The white stereotype of beauty is constantly reinforced and, whether consciously intended or not, serves to oppress those who don't meet that standard. I think that is the flip side that gets ignored snd discounted.
I'm struggling here with sleep deprivation, so excuse my clumsy and wordy reply...

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I’ve RTFT and the reason I’ve said YABU is because there’s nothing to suggest that it is racIST for people to mistake their gender because of their hair.

Just that one of the reasons that one of the reasons their m/f characteristics are less immediately identifiable is possibly racIAL.

As people have said, anyone with hair that doesn’t conform to gendered norms is at risk of being mistaken for the wrong sex, the experience is not unique to people with afro hair. So YABU, unless you can actually articulate why it is racist.

🤣🤣🤣🤣
I think you’ve just perfectly demonstrated OPs point about racial bias and beauty standards.
👏🏻

Um, no. Do ‘pretty spectacular looking’ little models all have blue eyes and blonde hair. Nope. Silly statement