Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

That was certainly true 30 years ago. My daughter also had short hair for ages because it just wouldn't grow. As I said previously she was always being mistaken for a boy.

White privilege, again. I don't know one single black or brown person who 'walk around looking for racism'. To the contrary, every single one has tried to build a life for themselves that protects them from racism. Yet, they are smacked with it in their faces all the time.

My son was mistaken for a girl for many years until he was 5 years old even when I dressed him as a boy because he had curly blond hair and an an angelic little face. He used to have a proper tantrum when he was mistaken for a girl haha.
He's now 6 foot 2 with a big beard.

Yes, that is true. It was, you are right.

Whilst I've no doubt that the preference for blonde in the modern world intersects with race, scientific studies have shown that the preferences for blonde are largely evolutionary.

Because blondes tend to have lighter skin imperfections can be seen more easily, thus illness and infectious diseases can be detected more easily by a partner.

Blondes are a mutation and therefore 'rare' so would stand out more than their brunette peers.

Aging can be seen more on blondes, so men could more accurately assess who was of fertile age than on brunettes.

Paternity is more easily detected in recessive genes of blue, red and blonde hair so this was a factor. (One of the main reasons queen Elizabeth the 1st was able to escape accusations of bastardy)

All these reasons predate mass interracial migration so the preference for blonde being hardwired cannot be put down to simply racism.

Obviously, nowadays racism will play a part because in the modern world it's something we run into more regularly, but it is not the most dominant factor.

And I think people offering up they have children with blonde hair and blue eyes is because your premise is that dark hair and eyes make misgendering more likely.

And, as shown on this thread, people don't feel as comfortable complimenting afros in case they are accused of microaggessions, as someone did upthread. For the record, my white baby has curly hair and it's literally commented on all the time. Probably because without it he'd look like every other baby and toddler: a potato.

But it's a bit sad to read that if I compliment a black child in the same way, it is read as racism. It's literally a conversation starter. I.e. in my case.
Stranger: oh what lovely hair
Me: he gets it from his dad. I have to pay for my perms.
Stranger. Haha, we always want what we don't have....

If you read commenting on hair as a microagression people have less to compliment. So they might not strike up conversation. This is harder the younger they are, sure toddlers might interact and we can comment on that, but only positively, so you have to wait for positive behaviour. And the end result is people avoid talking to you in case they offend you. Which means you are more isolated. Which is then interpreted as racism.

It makes it a bit of a minefield tbh.

Of course❤️. I understand.

My daughter also had short hair for ages because it just wouldn't grow.

But this is the OP's point. People thought your DD was a boy because of her short hair, OP's daughter's hair appears short because of her race and people think she is a boy.

That's the racial element, no one is talking about anyone being intentionally racist.

It's funny that this thread is full of white mothers, talking about their long-haired blonde & blue eyed boys, being mistaken for girls or short haired girls being mistaken for boys and still not understanding the OP's point. 🙃

It is interesting that angelic is used as the adjective to describe the blonde haired children, isn’t it?

Call it white privilege, but there is no logic.. In the example in this thread:
OP' little girl with short hair mistaken for a boy = racism
Someone else's white little girl with short hair mistaken for a boy not racism

The point clearly isn't being explained very well then is it. Always happy to learn.

More likely that people read the word 'race' and quickly respond to prove the person wrong, without taking any time to consider their point.

FWIW I'm mixed raced, with black children and haven't personally experienced what the OP has, but I still took a moment to consider what the OP was trying to explain.

But the broadbrush rule people go by is short hair = boy.
So if hair appears short it is read as short even if it is long.
Again, when my white curly haired son has a trim it looks shorter, but wet it will be shoulder length. Dry it is read as boy because boys hair is assumed to be short.
When his hair is allowed to grow it appears longer eg: girly. That's when he is more often misgendered.
Although as we dress him in all colours all the time he is regularly misgendered because we don't colour code him. It is just that when his hair is long people feel more confident they've got it right and hedge 'girl'. There's often a little snooty comment about long hair on boys after, so it's definitely a factor.

But again, the only reason you should care is if you think that a)someone has deliberately identified correctly then gone for the opposite or b) you believe in misogyny rules about girls being a certain way and boys being another.

My Caucasian niece even while wearing hot pink was mistaken for a boy. I think all babies and toddlers if in neutral clothes can easily be mistaken for the opposite sex. I think here is not a case of racism but casual sexism, ie girls wearing jeans and joggers.

Many people get the sex wrong when looking at babies and toddlers. It just isn't always obvious. I think to call it racism is ridiculous. How do we know if a child is male or female? Given that body shape is the same in children and facial features are similar, we use clues such as hair style and clothing. I am not sure how else anyone would guess?

There are so many examples of white privilege but I honestly don't think this is one of them. Afro hair remains short for a long time therefore toddlers often mistaken for boys. Very fine hair on white children also remains short for a long time and these dc are also often mistaken for boys if not wearing very obviously gendered clothing (and sometimes even if they are)

@Lndnmummy

Why is it worse for a black or mixed race girl to be mistaken for a boy because of their hair (or for a boy to be mistaken for a girl), than it is for a Caucasian child?

My 2yo niece is often called a bit/him, even once when she was dressed in a pink dress.

Plenty of parents on here have said that their child’s hair simply didn’t grow at all at that age (my DD was the same). It’s not like all Caucasian children have a choice either.

I dressed my DD in such a way that it was easy to see she was a girl (but not pink and frilly) because I didn’t like people mistaking her. That’s a solution that everyone can adopt, but no one should have to, regardless of colour.

Dunno. My mixed race dd with natural hair was also mistaken for a boy wearing school uniform with a skirt. I had never considered the racial angle before. I had assumed some people were just a bit shit at identifying sex. DD has a very feminine face. DS was mistaken for a girl before because I thought his afro was big. Upset both of them a bit. Now they are older it never happens.