Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

When my DD was 1 and a half she was wearing a blue dress, tights and little black patent shoes and several people thought she was a boy.
Also my DS has long hair and no matter what clothes he has on everyone is convinced he is a girl. Both of them are white, I don't think it is predominantly racism (although their may be some there) I think it is to do with "social norms". Girls have long hair, boys have shirt hair, girls wear pink, boys wear blue etc.

Thank you for your reply/ guess you have to live it to understand it

Sex. Not gender.

My mixed race son is constantly mistaken for a girl. I don't think it's racism, it's because he has longer curly hair and a very pretty face. It's hard to tell with kide. You are being oversensitive and possibly looking for racism where it isn't.

That's fashion 🤷🏾‍♀️

I worked in childcare (0-5 age group) for many years. In my experience unless children were dressed particularly feminine or masculine they would often be mistaken for the opposite sex.

Honestly, boys and girls are not as different as we’d like to believe. Girls and boys have the same developmental milestones, though girls typically start puberty a bit earlier.

Until puberty boys and girls look similar. That seems to be consistent for all the young children I’ve looked after regardless of their skin colour, hair type or their ethnicity. I have worked in multicultural areas. And have found that children are children. And the gender biases that adults want to impose don’t often fit.

So what if a young child doesn’t look feminine or masculine! They won’t unless you dress them that way.

I got told off by a doctor in the hospital I gave birth in because I hadn’t dressed my newborn in pink and he miss identified her as a boy. I wasn’t offended that he called her a boy I simply corrected him and was taken aback by his response. Her onesie was a cream colour with a big flower on the front.

I think people do actually look at the clothes and the colours of the clothes to identify sex or gender. Oh, yes and length of hair too.

I don’t think it is to do with racism. There are plenty of other examples of racism. I just don’t think this is one of them.

In fact I think this misidentifying a child’s sex is something we have in common all over the world.

Ok THIS is offensive!

But the various reasons people may think your child is the opposite sex probably vary.

My blonde, curly haired girl always gets called a boy.
Infact both of my girls have been called boys even when sitting in a pink pram while wearing very girly dresses.

I see many babies and toddlers that I have no idea what sex they are - regardless of race.

Two out of my 3 ds's were constantly mistaken for girls as toddlers. One is very blonde but the other is dark haired - so it's not just blonde Caucasian boys that get mistaken for girls ime.

I think you're reaching more than a little op.

I posted after only reading your first post OP, after reading all of your replies, I can see where you are coming from. I partially misunderstood what you were saying and partially was looking at it from a place of white privilege. Im not sure how much of the image of beauty and femininity is rooted in racism and how much of it is from the beauty industry/fashion industry.

My son is black and was always misgendered as a girl even wearing "bpyish" clothes. He has a very short afro.

I think mixed race children often get many positive comments on afro hair (I'm not saying this is a 'good' thing for the child or their parents btw). I know my nephew does and have heard similar from other parents. So I can see that people wouldn't have the long hair=girl assumption that they would for white children, purely because they see tbe hair as beautiful and 'worth' keeping long whether boy or girl. Hope that makes sense!

A very good point; and one worth discussing. 🤓

So this happens in predominantly black countries as well, how would we classify this?

My toddler is mistaken for a girl 9 times out of 10. He looks totally like a boy to me, has short hair and wears boyish things but there you go. I can only think it is because he has long eyelashes and is quite 'pretty'. He gets told he is beautiful (or rather 'she' is!) a lot.

If I ever correct people, they're always so apologetic but I don't know why, I think it's lovely they want to compliment my child. (I only ever good naturedly correct people and only if I feel they'll be ok with it)

Mine is white caucasian, brown hair and eyes.

Its usually down to length of the hair.
My 2yo DD has been called a very beautiful boy, told he has a lovely smile and called mate by a delivery man this week! (All whilst wearing neutral coloured clothes)
I dont take offence as i know its because she has short hair and like most toddlers are androgenous.
My dd is usually dressed in leggings, cardigan as she is very active however I do try to aim for a bit of pink so people dont have to guess.

😂

It's well known that Black women including mixed blsck women face masculinisation

it plays into the racist stereotypes of blsck women can't feel pain which turns into high mortality rates for blsck women in childbirth.

mumsnet imo isn't the best place to discuss misogynoir.

As a Black women who still faces this please encourage self love and offer lots of help as it can and does take an impact.

Here's some links for you
www.buzzfeednews.com/amphtml/hannaheko/aint-i-a-woman

www.thenubianmessage.com/2022/04/14/the-masculinization-of-black-women/

www.racism.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1664:blackgirlsvictimization&catid=72&Itemid=215&showall=&limitstart=5

qz.com/quartzy/1158081/for-black-women-femininity-and-feminism-are-not-mutually-exclusive/amp

hamtramckfreeschool.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/hooks-bell-aint-i-a-woman-black-woman-and-feminism.pdf

gal-dem.com/black-women-treated-disposably-megan-thee-stallion-human-shield/

I don't know about that. Could you expand?

@Victoriaplum81
when you are a member of the predominant race it might be about hair, but when you are not, that may not be true. Hair is intricately tied to cultural expression and for black women and men has been regulated by white society, for example. Hence the sensitivity to issues about hair styles, length, etc.

I am white, European descent, though and am open to being corrected. It might be better if a person of colour could weigh in here as I have no lived experience in this area.

I don’t think these type of scenarios can strongly be classified as racist, it’s something that happens to babies and children of all races

As a Black woman who has been reading this thread with interest, WTF?! What does that question even mean?

OP, I think (everything else aside) you need to educate yourself about Black hair and how to style it. And (if ‘how do you judge Afro hair length?’ was asked in earnest), ways of managing shrinkage.

Black and mixed race girls have myriad hair styling options. For your daughter’s sake, please some of them.

You’ve misunderstood what OP was asking.

Please explain how.

She was asking the poster how she judges afro poster as being long vs short.