Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

Both of my white daughters were routinely mistaken for boys. Their hair was slow to grow and they wore a mix of colours.
Unless they were wearing head to toe pink(very rare) they were assumed to be boys.

I have a blonde daughter with blue eyes, and she is constantly called a boy. The only times she is not if she is in a pink dress. Seriously.
She wears a lot of Frugi etc, so maybe it is gender neutral clothing, I don't know. I fully understand your frustration though! Girls should be able to wear comfortable clothes that is not pink and not be called a boy

My daughter is white and always gets mistaken for a boy. She's big and chunky, still has short hair and i like dressing her in blue. People go off clothes and hair not skin colour

Interesting discussion. My own personal experience in knowing young kids with afros was that they looked like girls to me on first glance. Sample size of 2 boys, so not exactly scientific.

I also know 2 Caucasian children with tightly curled, big hair that's quite similar to an afro. Again both are boys, but get mistaken for girls.

Where I live new born baby girls with hardly any hair have huge headbands with a bow or flower on so the whole world knows they are a girl. Accompanied with loads of pink frilly clothing.New born boys are arrayed in mini denim jeans often with matching jackets.Their heads are either left bare, or are adorned with '"old man" caps. Sometimes they have mini track suits with a designer name.
Woe betide anyone who gets the gender wrong.

An Asian lady I go to swimming class with once misgendered my Caucasian daughter, said ‘he really loves the water doesn’t he’. She was mortified when I explained bless her. I Felt bad, perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything. But I didn’t once consider it could have been a racial issue.

But practically speaking, even with gender stereotypes eliminated people will get it wrong on occasion. Were just not evolved to accurately sex infants because it has very little advantage.
People just need to learn it's fine to get it wrong and it's fine to ignore stereotypes and dress kids in a rainbow, and that animals, vehicles and patterns aren't inherently boy or girl.

My son has the blondest hair you can get but when he was a baby was always mistaken for a girl even when dressed all in blue. Both my daughters who are also blonde haired and blue eyed have been mistaken for boys when dressed in neutral clothing, cant say its ever bothered me.

Ahhh Apologies OP. I’ve just re read your post and see your point re hair and other qualities. DD is almost bald so wouldn’t count! I thought we were talking about how different races are not being able to identify discernible features as well! Can’t delete comment!

OP why do think so many parents pierce their baby girls ears? Or make girls without a lot of hair or barely no hair wear pink headbands.

It's not a race issue.

At that age, DS was presumed a girl most of the time. No idea why. Dressed neutral or boy. Still girl. At 7 it's cos hsi hair is long and people don't see past "long hair = girl". If your little one has short hair, that's what people notice.

For your niece, it's probably a combo of hair length and figure

For your niece, it's probably a combo of hair length how do you judge Afro hair length?

I’m not talking about babies though

It may well have something to do with hair length.... small boys and girls look like they could be either until around age 10 so hair length is often how people guess... I too have mistaken 6 year old boys with long hair for girls... wearing a karate suit and long hair so easily could be a girl but was a boy 😔

It’s not racism but it will be about the hair- my boys were mistaken for girls constantly because they had blonde curly hair. Just don’t worry about it it’s no big deal

@OnlyFoolsnMothers you're talking about a 2 year old. She's not far past being a baby

In my experience, black/mixed children with afros/longer hair are often mistaken to be girls actually, even older children

I was mistaken for a boy when little - combination of wearing blue and wearing trousers and people just assuming. I had very white blonde, sparse hair…

Yep! My boys 10 and we get it all the time so not just babies 😏 don’t relate to this thread at all my girls have never been mistaken for boys

This, plus often particular styles or addition of things like bows are the giveaway. Any toddler minus hair bows, space buns or bunches of wearing neutral clothes is anyones guess, although i remember someone calling my newborn a boy when dressed head to toe in baby pink with a baby pink blanket wrapped around. I think people just default to boy unless, or often even if they are dressed especially'girly'

I honestly couldn't tell you unless I saw them in person.

What I can tell you is that my toddler is 1 and a half and she is white as snow and she has been mistaken for a boy while she was wearing a pink little bow on her head. And they said whoops! Her hair is so short I could not tell! The worst part was they were being genuine and actually felt really bad about it. I'm not the type to really care about that kind of thing so I let it go but I was still puzzled by the mistake. I think some people are actually that clueless. Toddlers tend to be a bit more gender ambiguous but many still fail to pick up on the subtle details.

My son was called a girl a fair few times when he was a baby as we used to dress him in brightly patterned clothes. I was never particularly bothered but that was probably because I expected the mistake when I chose his clothes.

I think you are onto something OP, unconscious bias. Not sure if racism, sexism or a combination of both though.

My DD (white) was often mistaken for a boy until recently. She had basically no hair until she was a year old, then it was super tight ringlets that grew out rather than downwards. I'm also a function over fashion sort of mum so leggings/joggers etc when they are little instead of frilly dresses. Even when it happened to be all pink, she'd still get mistaken for a boy.

Unfortunately she's now in a 3yo strong independent phase and demands only dresses, the pink sparkly and frillier the better so she never gets mistaken now. I think being constantly mistaken for a boy when she started realising had an impact!

Totally agree with you op-your point has been confirmed by many of the replies on here!
I had exactly the same with my daughter and it was upsetting- not that she was perceived as a boy, but that she was seen as ‘other’ and that many people will never understand that or even the reasons behind their assumptions. My daughter is now 10 and regular talks about her desire for long blonde straight hair 😕

I thought a boy in DD’s class was a girl for ages, he has long blond hair in a ponytail.