Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

No, I meant that racism or unconscious buas could be at play (and very likely) when white people get the gender of a brown/black child.

A friend’s daughter was routinely mistaken for being a boy. Ginger and fair skin and living in central Europe. Friend laughed it off. Said daughter has gotten taller so doesn’t happen anymore.

It's not racism. Please elaborate how you come to this conclusion?

, I meant that racism or unconscious buas could be at play (and very likely) when white people get the gender of a brown/black child wrong.

sorry, really chubby fingers today. Lots of typos

Absolutely not. I don't have it in me. You could read a book "why I no longer talk to white people about race or similar" if you are genuinely interested.

People unhappy with racism is so tedious, isn’t it?

So much worse than actual racism.

Wish they’d just be quiet, right?

Idk about the race playing a part with children (definitely society sees black women as more masculine than white women) I disagree with hair length though. My son had long curly hair and I don't think anyone has thought he was a girl, I didn't dress him always boyishly either. He has always just seemed to have a 'boy' face. When I look at my childhood photos I think I look like a boy in a dress all the way to 12ish. Because of my face. I can't put my finger on it but to me it's a 'boy' face. I don't have a daughter or sister so I can't tell if boy face runs in the family or if my son is 'lucky' and I'm less so 🤷‍♀️ I'm glad I don't look like a boy in a dress now, although I think I might pull off androgynous if I tried to. I'm mixed race, my son is not very obviously mixed race like me, I would say white passing.

This thread is bonkers. Of course there is a racial element to this! When clothes are "unisex" people look for other cues. People are looking at the OP's DD and/or her hair, seeing it isn't stereotypical white girl hair (long, growing down) and so deciding she must be a boy.

I think a lot of people denying it's racist are totally ignorant of what unconscious bias is.

I'm sure the person who called ops DD a boy didn't intentionally think to themselves oh, that's a girl but I'm going to purposefully call that girl a boy because she's mixed race and I really want to offend them because of their skin colour. It's the assumption they made based on all sorts of subtleties and stereotypes that pervade society based on race.

Both my Caucasian daughters were mistaken for boys a few times when they were babies/ toddlers. I didn’t really mind, was just quick to correct people.

Interesting that people's experience is that black and mixed race boys are not mixed up for girls. I had just assumed people muddled small kids up both ways whatever their race, but seems like that is not the case. YANBU

You could be right, you know your lived experience best. My 1 year old has been misgendered twice in the last few weeks. It can be tricky to say at that age. Sometimes people don’t look too closely at clothes.

weird we get the opposite, mixed race ds long hair wears in cornrows and gets constantly called a girl by everyone!

I have encountered 2 Asian ladies refer to my DS as a girl. Not once have I considered this to be racist!?!
Infact, many people have referred to him as a girl because of his mass of curls. I actually laugh it off. And actually I know he's pretty so it's kind of sweet.
Honest. Don't take this personally. It's not racism or unconscious racism as you are referring to. It's an innocent mistake made by a stranger......

I've known loads of young Caucasian boys with curly blonde hair who have been mistaken for girls.
I think YABU. Sorry.

He was even stopped from using the Boys toilets at school because “he is a girl” And constantly teased about being a girl to the point I had to make a complaint to the school.

If you read the thread you will see you’ve proved my point

But it does depend how stereotypically they are dressed as well.
I'd assume certain cultures who have rigid gender roles are less comfortable dressing boys in pink or gender neutral.

To assess it you'd have to remove all the variables.

And adults do massively use clothing to sex babies and toddlers. There was a show a while back called no more girls and boys where they swapped the clothing of girl and boy infants.
Every adult in the experiment got it wrong because they were blindsided by pink and blue markers.

exactly this

It’s tedious when even the most ridiculous mistake is made out to be racist. I’m black, living in a predominantly Black country and I was frequently asked if my black son was a girl when he was a baby because of his Afro 🤔
with the many examples of different race babies being misgendered, you still argue it’s because of racism 🙄

I said "Excuse me please girls" to 2 white children with curly below shoulder length blond curls and pink trainers last week as they were playing in a supermarket aisle, blocking it while their Dad browsed the shelves nearby.

I got a very indignant "We are boys!" as the response.

I took my cues from the long hair and pink shoes. Obviously wrong to gender stereotype.

I'm not sure . my 18month old daughter is white with brown hair but she doesn't have much hair at all. I dress her very girly (probably to compensate 😂) but still all I get is "oh isn't he lovely " i don't know what it is. But it doesn't bother me too much it doesn't matter really at this age.

Based on my experience and the general consensus on this the mix up is based on gender stereotypes
These are very ingrained- once had a father intervene when my boy got into a pink car I went over to explain find out what was going on (it was a shared play area and no one else was using it). I was told my lad couldn’t use it because it was pink and “it didn’t look right.”🤦🏼😂

My DD (white) has short dark hair and 99% of the time was confused for a boy - even when wearing pink! I expect it’s a hair length thing rather than a race thing. She has dark curly hair and has wanted “pretty” long blonde hair for years. So sad.

Oh that is so sad :(