Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

Interesting perspective about the identification of 'blonde' and 'female'.

I'm white and was very dark haired as a child. Was not infrequently mistaken for a boy up to the age of 10 or so by the obviously hard-of-seeing who seemed to think 'short hair = boy.' Wonder if the experience would have been the same with a blonde pudding bowl hairstyle?

You'd be sighing a hell of a lot more if you children were experiencing racism. Trust me.

My blonde blue eyed DD used to be mistaken for a boy up until she was about 4. She had v little fine/wispy short blonde hair - every single time she wasn't in a dress, someone would comment on what a beautiful boy she was

That's interesting, my mixed race DD did get mistake for a boy sometimes, her brother never got mistaken for a girl

I think it depends on the child. DS had angelic golden curls and was extremely beautiful as a toddler and was always being mistaken for a girl (Nobody does now 😂). I sometimes dress DD (also blonde) in DS’s clothes and people often ask if she’s a boy when she’s in navy or dinosaurs 🤷‍♀️ It can be hard to tell when they’re young. DS had a friend who was a pretty boy with very long hair and DS simply would not have it that his friend wasn’t a girl until one day the boy’s parents cut his hair and DS was completely amazed that he’d been a boy all along. So no, I wouldn’t regard it as racist, just pretty normal confusion but I’m conscious I’m saying that from a white perspective.

My 10 month old has recently started to be called a girl (wrongly) recently by strangers. Apparently its because he looks do much like me, so must be a girl??

Dear @OP

Save your energy for later. There will be bigger and more pertinent battles to fight as the mother of a dual heritage child, and this one will pass.

Also, maybe, surround yourself with more people who reflect your DD if possible. They will identify and acknowledge your daughter's beauty with a different magnitude.

I don't bother to usually participate on such debates (as the respondents usually fail to understand), but there are other topic groups (Black Mumsnet), forums and online communities where you might find more solidarity and understanding.

Again you'd have to look at the clothing and hair choices too.
It would be interesting to know who dresses them and if there's any variation there.

Basically, there are too many variables in both the op and other experiences to really know.

You'd need to remove all other variables, plus comparing it with how accurately all races can differentiate without social cues across all age ranges.

I mean most babies look like potatoes, so I'm not entirely sure I can tell either way.

You've just described golden hair as being angelic...yet then denying it could be due to race. Do you not find it interesting that blonde=angel and wonder where that imagery came from?

I have no idea I’m not in your shoes but my three year old with long blonde hair and wearing a dress today got called a boy.

🎯

I was often called a boy as a child - and a couple of times even after I was married (so around 30!). I am white with blonde(then)/light brown hair. Sometimes with young children it's just hard to tell.

Small children are often mistaken for their opposite sex.

I think boys with blond hair wear it long, as blond hair can often be fine and lie flat and seem delicate and insubstantial, when cut short. Having it long makes more of it somehow, and the drier part at the ends, seem to thicken out a bit and balance the face. I have noticed grown men with fine blond hair will often wear it longer and it does seem to plump up, that way.

I do think it can be hard to tell with any baby. I used to sell kids shoes and always had to try to get parents to pick some things they liked first so I wouldn't have to guess unless the child was dressed in more stereotypically female or male clothing and felt really wick if I got it wrong so I'm not sure I'd say its a race issue specifically as opposed to how we interpret and expect gender norms?

Of course many young children get mistook for the opposite gender, I know my bright ginger baby boy has but that's due to gender neutral clothing, I don't doubt in a few years once his hair grows no-one would make that mistake. Where as you have clearly pointed out your dn has been mistook for years as afros are associated with masculinity, which means being black is associated with masculinity which is inherently racist.

You're not wrong op, your children would sadly be misgendered more than a white boy with blonde hair and it would be ignorant to ignore race playing a part.

My white skinned and short blonde haired toddler daughter is often called a boy. Even if she’s wearing pink!

Not attacking you at all, thank you for your contribution. I would just like to use your post to highlight my point- blond hair, long hair etc associated as being feminine. My daughter won’t have this -and that’s what I’m pointing out- femininity should not be race linked but inevitable is in many ways.

I think this is very common in general so I really wouldn't look into it very much. My blonde haired 1 year old has often been assumed to be a girl. I have no idea why, he wears boyish clothes and nothing girly. I have mum friends and majority of them have also had their kids mistaken for the other gender so I wouldn't look in to it too much.

My DD was mistaken for a boy too as a baby. She is mixed race but white / Asian and has very light skin, and blue eyes so it’s not that. It was down to the fact she had short hair, took years to grow. Even in a dress she was called a boy. We went to Tunisia when she was 1 and someone argued with me that she was really a girl, as she didn’t have pierced ears!

DD (white and paler than a white plate) didn't grow hair for her first 3 years. Once at a hospital appt where she was dressed from head to toe in pink was mistaken for a boy because she was energetic. Apparently only baby boys are energetic. Go figure.

It could be racial bias in your case OP. Or it could be that people are idiots....

spot on Comedycook!!

@Lndnmummy so is it racist when a black person gets the gender of a white child wrong ? I would say its more based on gender expectation, girls expected to have long hair , dresses
For a few it may be racist but for most I would say its just an innocent mistake

You also have to wonder if people are so good at spotting gender at a young age, why do so many parents pierce their babies' ears.

This is done across cultures, but again, usually those who have a strong vein of misogyny at their root.

I think long hair is definitely thought to be feminine.
My ds's experience suggests that dark long hair is considered feminine as well, it seems to be the long part.
He is a teen with a fuzzy mustache in sweats but long hair often overrides everything else when being sexed.