Aibu to think my child is called a boy because of her race

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

This may be petty to a few but this is really starting to get to me. I have mixed race daughters- and a mixed race niece- all of them have continually been mistaken for boys in their early years. It’s got to me more today as a woman approached me in a playgroup and apologised for calling my two year old a boy and said it was down to her clothes- light blue jeans and a cardigan with birds on it.
I don’t put her in dresses daily because we’re often in a park or soft play, but joggers and a T-shirt with a bunny or bird on it is pretty standard. I also see plenty of girls in leggings and jeans etc.

I’m now starting to think it’s unconscious racism- and it’s predominantly down to hair.
White/ Asian girls hair grows downwards. Black girls I know of have twists and plaits that are deemed “girly” hairstyles.

My daughters hair is in an Afro- it’s combed and oiled daily and well cared for but I don’t routinely plait it because it won’t hold.
My niece was always called a boy, and when her hair was corn rowed was called a boy.
Apparently if you don’t subscribe to the Caucasian aesthetic that makes you masculine.
Aibu?

Thank you!

Even when I was a teenager I got mistaken for a boy, short hair, almost no boobs, usually in jeans and sweatshirt. Never thought of it as racism, I should have complained.

I have two white DSs who wore things such as dungarees and t-shirts in boy/neutral colours and unless they had a short back and sides, were routinely called girls whenever they had slightly longer hair or no hair. I wasn't really into the tracksuit/football strip look but they weren't dressed in "girls clothes" .

It’s not racism. It’s because they’re not wearing pink dresses. I hated dressing my daughter like that. She was always in blue. Little blue jeans , navy top, little blue converse. White skin, blonde ringlets. Always referred to as “he” when she was little.

@Comedycook i would assume girl if hair length is long black or white , unless clearly dressed in what I would deem boys clothing
Majority of boys of most races tend to have shorter hair above shoulder length

So white girls can get mistaken for boys and white boys get mistaken for girls. We know that.

But, if there's not a racial element when this happens to black children, then why are black/mixed race boys rarely mistaken for girls...yet the other way round is more prevalent?

For you to accurately access that you'd need to check whether children of all races are dressed stereotypically evenly or if certain races and cultures tend to gravitate more towards gender stereotyping.

And then you'd need to actually assess if people are able to tell accurately within their own race, before you started to draw any conclusions.

But again, the only thing that bothers me about all this is boys are chased away from pink and sparkles and girls are put into uncomfortable impractical clothing, thereby helping to cement their path down a stereotypes road.

Just let your kids wear what you like, then later what they like, ignore gender stereotyping and don't be upset when people can't tell.

I had a boy built like a mean rugby machine with long hair who was often called a girl and a slight girl with little hair who was often called a boy. (White kids with blonde hair)

I don't think it is necessarily racism but whatever the reason I Do get how irksome it is!

@Comedycook
LOTS of women have larger stomach. That’s a physical state of my body, some thin people have rounder stomach too. I know more women with rounder stomach than with a flat stomach, yet people “assume” I’m pregnant. People always assume based on certain “identifiers” and their assumptions are often wrong. If OP is right in her own assumptions of why her baby was mistaken for a boy, there’s only hope we can unlearn assuming anything about anybody but it depends on so many factors so I don’t know if it’s possible for a human brain to stop. I want to know what can I personally do to not make anyone uncomfortable. I am not sure if asking “is it a girl or a boy?” is polite either

I voted incorrectly OP, having read through the thread and your updates I wish to change my vote to YANBU

The woman who pointed at your daughter's clothes as justification was a little embarrassed, as I would have been had I made the same error.

I am sorry this is happening and am sure you will be able to help your girls navigate it all

I'm sure it's not a race thing OP...it's a 'baby/toddler' thing. My 'beautiful' (in my eyes 🤣) little girl (now a mother herself!) was mistaken for a boy until she was about 4!! She was almost bald until then...had the faintest sprinkle of blond wispy hair, but being so pale, looked bald! Didn't even seem to matter when I dressed her in pink frills!! They still thought she was a boy 🤷‍♀️ I just laughed, it really wasn't important 🤣

That's interesting, my mixed race DD did get mistake for a boy sometimes, her brother never got mistaken for a girl.

@Comedycook maybe due to clothing and short hair
My friends mixed race younger boy did get called a girl when little as he had big eyes , longer afro and just had a very pretty face , long eyelashes and often called a girl if in a gender neutral clothing , she tended to put him in dungarees and dinosaurs to avoid the confusion.

Not wishing to derail but on the point of hair. I can remember a personal experience when I was about 6 years old. I had one sibling, a younger sister. Our family went on holiday with my mother’s friend who had two sons, the younger a toddler. That was when I first saw a naked boy and I was incredulous. I can remember saying “Is that how boys are different from girls? I thought it was their haircuts”. Quite honestly the question had never previously come up and this was the post war days when short back and sides was the norm.

Nothing to do with race.

Stop trying to look for racism that's not even there sigh

I doubt it's about race.

My little boy was constantly mistaken for a girl until he was around 4. He even got mistaken at the doctors once at his own appointment.

It's pretty hard to tell boys and girls apart when they're babies and toddlers.

Hey @healthadvice123 the way I see it is this. For white kids being mistaken by a white adult then no, the race doesn't cause confusion. But for black and brown children being confused by white people then yes it probably does. As white people we have a bias shaped on the societal and cultural norms we are conditioned by. Those biases exist.

The other thing is people tend to think a boy being called a girl is a bigger insult than a girl.called a boy due to misogyny.
So if people are going to take a punt if unsure I'd assume they'd go for 'boy'.
Which would be why boys being misgendered is perhaps more rare.
And parents who get offended would be unlikely to have a boy in pink, purple or even yellow so it's more.likely you'll get it right.
Whereas 'types' of blue are coded girl sometimes and people must be more relaxed about that. Eg baby blue more.often used in girls clothing than petrol or navy.

I think it's an interesting topic.

However in my experience, mixed raced boys with long hair often get mistaken for girls, not so much darker skinned black boys though.

It's definitely all around what is considered 'pretty' and feminine.

My fair skined, golden haired 8 year old is often called my daughter because of his beautiful golden hair

Both my white children get called boys regularly, at 1 and 4 because they have very short hair (it just hasn't grown in yet). I often get told it's due to the clothing but I think it's not having long hair that flows downwards

But, if there's not a racial element when this happens to black children, then why are black/mixed race boys rarely mistaken for girls...yet the other way round is more prevalent?

They probably don't conform to the male/female stereotypes for young boys or girls in their appearance or dress.

It's interesting that people see cornrows as a male thing. Having lived in West Africa for many years it's something I associate very much w girls and women. Trying to remember if I ever saw a boy w braids, don't think so. Certainly not in my area.

It's definitely all around what is considered 'pretty' and feminine exactly my point- and as another posted out there’s a race that is often subconsciously defaulted as being pretty and a race which is less so

When my daughter had short hair she was frequently mistaken for a boy, and when my sons had long hair they were for girls. I wouldn't give it any heads space. People glance and people and their minds fill in the blanks. It's better than someone staring at your child and making them uncomfy.